Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy? New Year?

Is it possible to smother a three year old with too many hugs and kisses? I’m afraid I kiss Gavin too much.  I love him sleeping in between Lou and I every night and waking up to his sweet voice and strong hugs every morning, a habit we all happily adjusted to.  Poor kid has to overcompensate for my loss, so I’m afraid that sometimes I completely smother him.  I can’t help it!  I can’t hold onto him tight enough, hug him long enough or kiss him often enough.
 
When he is sleeping and I am up late, I check on him throughout the night to make sure he’s still breathing.   It’s like I’m a new mom again, nervous about having a tiny, fragile infant at home.  I’m always worried, and I honestly think that there is a possibility I will find Gavin still in his bed – not breathing – at any given moment.  I guess I am adjusting to a new normal where terrible things can happen at any time because I have already witnessed my greatest nightmare become a reality.

New Year’s Eve means a whole year of unknowns.  On New Year’s 2011, I welcomed 2012 with a heart full of hope.   I was excited to say goodbye to 2011.  Ty was doing well.  He was in nursery school, we were starting to get a normal life back and I was 100% sure that he was going to improve steadily until he could jump in muddy puddles.   I never imagined Ty would suffer from paralysis again in 2012 and pass away in the same year.   He was almost able to walk again last December (look at this picture), he was getting so strong and healthy again.  I was certain he would only improve and beat cancer once and for all but instead, 2012 turned out to be the worst year of my life.

Almost walking all by himself! Dec 2011

Over the past few days, it feels ridiculous every time I utter the words “happy new year” or someone says them to me.  It is the most absurd phrase because I can’t imagine being “happy” without Ty.  There are times that I find myself smiling and laughing and having a fleeting feeling of happiness, and I do hope I can find those moments more frequently in the new year.  I know it will get better over time, but I will never heal from this – that is one thing I know for sure.  I will never stop thinking about Ty, and I will never stop missing him.    He is the love of my life and nothing can change that. 

For New Year’s Eve this year, Lou and I joined our great friends at their house in Vermont for a quiet evening surrounded by falling snow.  They have four young boys and Gavin is having so much fun playing with them.  I can’t watch them without imagining my Ty right there with them.  I see him, as a big boy, healthy and running around.  In my mind, he is so beautiful, strong, athletic and funny.  The boy he was supposed to be before he got sick for no reason.  There is an ornament on their tree that shows a picture of Ty at 3 months old, lying on the bed with their twin boys who are close to his age.  I had forgotten about that picture and loved seeing it hanging there.

It helps to get out of the house.  I love being away from home because our house is so empty and I am overwhelmed every time I walk past Ty’s room, or catch a glimpse of his “bag of stuff” or his medicine in the pantry.  I imagine hearing footsteps and night and expect Mely to join me, until I remember that she’s gone, too.   Ty loved her as much as I do.

Ty, Mely and his lollipop - just about one year ago

I think I will spend much of 2013 traveling with Gavin while he is still young enough to miss some preschool.  I want to be anywhere but home.   I have some trips on the agenda for the foundation, as well, there is just so much to do with regard to that.  At least I know that 2013 will be a great year in honor of Ty, as we continue working for the cause and trying to save the future Ty Campbell from suffering the same fate.  I do think we will make a lot of progress this year and I am grateful for that.

I am so afraid that Ty will visit me less and less as time goes by.  I already feel like I am seeing less signs.  Of course, just when I am really needing him, he pays me a visit – like last night.  I was telling our friends a story about his amazing ladybug visits.  I mentioned the time a few weeks ago when I was doing the dishes and talking to Ty and when I looked up there was one right above me on the ceiling.  Later last night I was doing dishes and lost in thoughts of Ty – I was washing while our friend was drying – and she said, “look, right above you!”  Wouldn’t you know there was a beautiful ladybug crawling around on the light directly above me.  I can’t make this stuff up.  Just when I was thinking that I haven’t “seen” him in a while, and fearing I’ll never see him again, he did something magical for me.  

Ty was such an incredibly loving kid, I know he loves me, Lou and Gavin and all of us so much.  I hope he doesn’t worry about me.  I don’t ever want that.  In fact, whenever I’m crying I try to pull it together for him, because I still don’t want him to see me grieving.  I want him to be happy and carefree as he soars through the sky with the biggest grin imaginable. 

God bless you all.  We can't thank you enough for your continued love and support.  Wishing you a healthy year filled with nothing but rainbows, falling leaves, shooting stars and ladybugs.  Ty is with every one of you.  He is everywhere :)

51 comments:

  1. He is certainly everywhere. I ordered some of his
    Postcards of the bridge and included them with Christmas gifts. I hope it helped spread Ty's amazing story. Your family has left a mark on me forever. Thinking of you all and praying for lots of signs from Ty in 2013.

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  2. 2012 wasn't a good year. It was horrible. But Ty was in 2012 and he isn't in 2013 and that's why 2013 feels strange. Gavin is super lucky to sleep with you. I'm sure he loves every bit of love coming from you because evers time you hug him Ty hugs him too because he is a part of you. I hope that you will find happiness and laughter more often than tears. I hope you will meet new amazing friends that will help you thru all of your pains. I miss Ty I think about him every day.

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  3. We wish you the same for 2013. Keep up the good work with the foundation! Take all the trips you want this year - safe travels!
    Jennifer, Illinois

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  4. Your words are strong. You are strong. I love that you are so open to accept the signs Ty shows you. He is everywhere for you. You continue to inspire. He will continue to do great things!! xoxo <3 SuperTy

    Shawna
    Millbrook, NY

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  5. I had to share my experience with Ty on Christmas. I live in Utah, it snowed a good 6 inches Christmas eve, so Christmas was a gorgeous white blanket. After celebrating with my two kids (age 3 and 13 months), I couldn't help but think of you, Ty, Ronan, Teddy and the 20 beautiful children in Connecticut. I was thinking how lucky I was and how unfair others were dealing with such loss. I was lost in that thought as my husband got the power wheels my kids got into the driveway and we bundled up to go outside and try it out. I was lost in thought and almost stepped right on a ladybug! Right there on the sidewalk my husband had shoveled to try out the power wheels. It was freezing, there should not have been a ladybug! I took a picture and told my husband what it meant. He told me that it was Ty's way of telling me that I need to enjoy my two healthy children and not let the horrible things in the world stop my joy of them, or worse, make them feel my sadness. I will never not be sad over your loss or so many other losses, but Ty reminded me to enjoy the good things in life too and let my kids jump in muddy puddles! He isn't done teaching people that! Thank you for your wonderful posts. Bless you in this new year.

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  6. Go everywhere, Cindy. The zoo, the aquarium, the natural history museum... - the beach. I was caught so off-guard when my daughter started kindergarten this fall by the idea that I couldn't just have a fun day with the kids whenever I had the time and money. The thought that someone else gets to tell me, HER MOMMY, where she needs to be and when: ridiculous! Camille will cheer to know you guys are our enjoying the wide world together. Live it up! May your new year be blessed and peaceful.

    Love, Marie

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  7. Your posts are simply amazing. My eyes fill up with tears when I read them. I cry for your heartbreak, your pain and your loss. I also cry for the sheer beauty and the love that comes pouring out your words.

    Trust me, you will receive signs so long as you are living on this earth. He will reach out to you and touch you and continue to inspire you. Ten years ago I lost someone very dear to me, and his spirit reaches out to me, usually when I need it most.

    Keep moving forward. Keep loving your family, fighting for a cure. Please also keep writing your story. I have shared it with so many people, who in turn have spread the word. You are reaching people and Ty's smile and courage are inspiring and changing lives.

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  8. I am so intrigued and amazed by the signs Ty sends you. I wholeheartedly believe in them as you do. Ladybugs in December in Vermont?! Amazing.

    He WILL continue to send you signs and be present in your life for as long as you live. The signs are there and will continue to be there but I am sure there are days that you don't see them because you are distracted at that moment by something else. You might not see the ladybug on the ground because you are watching Gavin make snowballs or you didn't notice the hawk flying high above your head because you dropped your keys at that exact moment. The signs WILL be there for you because Ty WILL ALWAYS be with you.

    Time will not fade his presence. I have no doubt you will keep Ty a strong part of your family life. He was and is so deeply loved.

    We have all been so touched by that beautiful little boy with that gorgeous smile. We HATE what you have gone through and the pain you are left with. We will stand behind you in whatever way we can to help you make a difference.

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  9. I pray 2013 is a healing year full of great accomplishments for the foundation and your family. How fitting for 2013 to be the Honor Ty Louis Campbell and his beautiful legacy year. May his story spread throughout the world and bring awareness and perspective to all those he touches. God Bless you and keep you and your precious precious family.

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  10. I think of Ty often and pray for you a lot, too. I found this blog the day Ty died, and was forever changed by your powerful, beautiful, horrible post from that day. I hope to put out a book in 2013 from which all proceeds go to childhood cancer foundations - much of them to Ty's foundation. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, know that so many people are praying for you and your family. You are such a strong, good person. I hope 2013 is kind to you.

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  11. OMG I FOLLOW YOU EVERYDAY CINDY AND I CRY EVERYDAY AND TODAY ON NEW YEARS DAY MY 2 YEAR OLD GRANDBABY ETHAN PASSED AWAY ..HIS MOM FOUND HIM IN HIS BED NOT BREATHING ....OMG EVERYTIME I READ YOUR WORDS MY HEART CRIED AND I ALWAYS PRAYED MY BABIES WOULD NEVER HAVE TO BURY THEIR BABIES AND IT HAS HAPPENED !!! MY SON ONLY 26 YRS OLD WILL BE BURYING HIS BABY BOY ETHAN SOON !! BUT I THANK GOD TY WILL BE WITH HIM ALWAYS <3

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    1. God Bless you all. Sorry for your loss.

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    2. I am so sorry for your family's loss... Such a horrible way to start a new year... God bless you all! (((Hugs)))

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    3. I am so sorry for your loss. May you find peace and comfort through this very hard time. God bless

      Shawna

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  12. Pull Gavin out of school, they can wait... Travel for the foundation, it's destined for great things... Never worry, Ty will ALWAYS be there!!! 2012 was (for lack of better terms) a pretty shitty year, try to smile... You, Lou & Gavin need it and Ty would WANT it... 2013 he she comes! Look out for Cindy Campbell and The Ty Louis Campbell Foundation!!!

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  13. Dear Cindy,

    I thought so much of your family and Ty over the holidays, and of Juliana, Teddy, Ronan, RJ Kaufman, all the other children gone too soon, the unfairness of it all and why, why why. I wish I could say some magic words to make you and their families feel better, the words you write and the way you honour your beautiful son in your words, it makes me so emotional. I read your new post before my own son woke up this morning, he's 9 months old, I'm going to let him splash in as many muddy puddles as he wants and get as messy as he wants, through you and Ty, you have made me hold him tighter at night and let go of the small stuff in the day.

    Anyway, you are probably going to think I'm crazy but when baby Charlie woke up, extra early and I didn't want to go 'get up' properly with him, we lay snuggled up in bed looking at the books he got for Christmas. I was still thinking of your words in my head and of Ty and how it would be so lovely if you could get more ladybug (or ladybirds as we call them in England) signs this year, I really really wish that for you. So I turn the page of the 'peepo' book we are looking at and there on the page are two big ladybugs, I laughed out loud and thanked Ty, what an amazing spirit he has and what an amazing Mummy he has too. I wish you lots of ladybirds (ladybugs!) for 2013 and this year, September 2013, I will be back living in England and organising something gold for Children's Cancer month, even if I'm standing on my local high street releasing gold balloons into the sky so everyone can see and learn and be aware, no more ignorance like I had last year.

    Sending you and your family love and hugs, my dear friend, (even though I have never met you!)
    Lisa and baby Charlie in Frankfurt
    xoxox

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  14. Happy new year! God bless.

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  15. Morning,

    Happy New Year !

    Thank you for continuing to share your family's courageous journey - and Ty's legacy. My continued thoughts & prayers are with " SuperTy " & all of his family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan



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  16. Even tho 2012 was a very difficult, heartbreaking one but I pray that this year brings you peace, love and many blessings. Always thinking about your family. I know many exciting things will happen in Ty's name. May God Bless you always.

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  17. I'm doing major "spring" cleaning today and am bagging up about 60 shirts to take to the used clothing drive for Ty :) Thinking about you and your family always

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  18. You are wise to know you will never heal from something like this. It changes the course of your life. Time will help but it never heals. For that I am sorry; I don't think anyone should ever have to deal with the loss of a child. As much as it hurts to not have my parents anymore and to have lost them both before I was 30, I know that pain is nothing in comparison.

    Sometimes a different perspective helps. I say that so that you know where I'm coming from with this next thing. I don't like it, myself, but I'm a devil's advocate of sorts and maybe in the end, this can help a little. Maybe fewer visits from Ty is a good thing? If he is out taking care of himself and playing and enjoying himself, he won't be worried about you. I understand not wanting him to worry about you, not wanting him to see you grieving. So maybe fewer visits is not because he hates what he sees and/or that it makes him feel bad, but is truly that he's in a great place and he understands he's got some time before he will be back together with you.

    I don't know. I hate the idea, too. I still want visits from my mom. I would want visits from Ty, too. Like I said, I'm a devil's advocate of sorts and sometimes a different perspective can help. I know with my mom that her visits are fewer and that it does give me peace even though it's not what I want. It means she's taking care of herself and for all of her life on this planet, she always took care of herself last. I find amazing peace in the idea that she's enjoying herself and I know I'll be reunited with all of my family eventually.

    A little about me - at the age of 23 I was raped. 4 years later I watched my mom die a horrific death from cancer. 2 years later my dad suddenly died in his sleep from a heart attack. Through all this, various other things happened as well, those are just my key events. It finally got to the point that I just didn't care. It simply couldn't get any worse.

    And then I met the man who would become my husband and now we have twin boys. It's all icing now these days. Those events of my 20's shaped me into who I am today. Yeah, I'd rather have not gone through any of that but I'd do it all again to get my husband and my twins. I say all this because from where I see you are, 2013 simply can't get any worse. God, but I hope that it can't. For either of us. For anyone.

    Hug and love on Gavin as much as you like. He needs it, too. If he fights you off from hugs and kisses, that's something to beware of. I suspect, though, that he revels in it all just as much himself. He needs it, too.

    Here's to a New Year for all of you. May it be blessed and filled with peace and love.

    Love,
    Lori

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  19. I do believe this New Year will be filled with more moments of happiness weather it be a happy memory of Ty, or a charity event for Ty's foundation, or just hanging out with Lou and Gavin..Your a strong woman I can't imagine your pain. I learn to appreciate the little moments with my girls because of you and your family..Hoping this year will be filled with lady bugs on the ceiling, snow,laughs and good memories..LisaT..longisland

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  20. We are about to take a road trip from NC to Austin, TX with our 3 children 5 and under. We have known this trip was coming for several years as it is a work conference for my husband. In late September we decided it would be ridiculously crazy for us all to go - just too long to drive and my 5 year old will miss kindergarten. Then Ty and your family came into my life. The night Ty passed I decided without a doubt that we would all make the trip. Doesn't mean I'm not a little nervous, though we've made long trips with them before this is definitely the longest. I am excited though and know that we'll have a wonderful adventure and make lasting memories. Wishing you a productive New Year full of smiles from Gavin, signs from Ty and wonderful work on the foundation. Hugs and tears from NC.

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  21. Always thinking of you and Ty..
    Love,
    Christs

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  22. 2013 feels wrong without Ty. I can'y imagine how you feel. I miss him, his smile of the day. Now I look forward to his signs for you. I hope they come often in 2013, maybe even a visit in your dreams. You and your family are always in my mind and heart Cindy.

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  23. So sorry that you have to start 2013 without your sweet Ty. It is just so unfair. I pray that you will find peace this year and that the TLC foundation will bring a renewed purpose to your life. I KNOW that Ty will always be with you, the best Mommy in the world!

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  24. I was at the park yesterday,talking about pediatric cancers. I mentioned Ty and the minute I looked down there was a little ladybug making its way across the picnic table. He knew we were talking about him!

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  25. I love you Cindy. I love Lou and I love Gavin and I love Ty. I have never had the pleasure of meeting any of you but I love you as if you are family. You are never far from my thoughts. Today your video interview was reported on Facebook. I bawled, I screamed at the sky "WHY???" I really didn't expect to get an answer, it just felt good to yell it out loud....

    If there is ANYTHING I can do to help with the foundation, even from Philly, please message me. I don't have much but I do have my love and a need to spread awareness, raise funding and FIND A CURE <3

    All my love ALWAYS,
    Elaine Hinkle

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  26. Travel with gavin... don't feel guilty for having a little fun and going places. We know you would rather stay home and have Ty around instead.... live before he starts school. Do stuff for the foundation.

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  27. Travel with gavin... don't feel guilty for having a little fun and going places. We know you would rather stay home and have Ty around instead.... live before he starts school. Do stuff for the foundation.

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  28. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYJanuary 2, 2013 at 10:56 PM

    I thought of Ty on my way home from work tonight. I was listening to the Wicked CD and cried listening to For Good. The words reminded me of him.....he has left a "hand print on my heart". Through your blog, I got to meet the sweetest little boy so the words "because I knew you, I have been changed for good" ring true. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us. Ty has touched the lives of so many and you have too. You amaze me every day.
    -Jennifer

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  29. We think of you, Lou, Gavin and ALWAYS of Ty every day down here and will keep checking in on you...Wishing you peace, lady bug visits and Ty's kisses.

    Much love & hugs, Judy.

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  30. Cindy my wish for you and yours is a healthy, peaceful,productive, New Year. I know happy is not in the cards for your family right now and I do pray it gets easier for you to smile and laugh and enjoy life again.I think of you all every day and still pray for you every night.I know ty is and will be with you always and you will always see signs from him.God bless you, Lou,and Gavin and see you all thur this new year with lots of love...Jean <3

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  31. here is a little poem that I hope helps..bc Ty really is always with you :)

    "As I sit in heaven
    and watch you everyday
    I try to let you know with signs
    I never went away
    I hear you when your laughing
    and watch you as you sleep
    I even place my arms around you
    To calm you as you weep
    I see you wish the days away
    Begging to have me home
    So I try to send you signs
    So you know your not alone
    Don't feel guilty that you have
    life that was denied to me
    Heaven is truly beautiful
    just you wait and see
    So live your life, laugh again
    Enjoy yourself, be free
    Then I know with every breath you take
    You'll be taking one for me"

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    1. This made me cry. So touching and beautiful

      Shawna

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  32. Ty is so beautiful in pictures...every single one that you post is so precious...he truly had a smile that was so special. Can't imagine how beautiful of a boy he was in spirit or to know him personally. I wish you some peace this year, though as Ty's mother, I could imagine how hard this will be. I wish you all the best with the foundation.

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  33. It's a new year, but I know not necessarily a happy one. I know it must be hard to even see a new year without without your precious little boy in it and to have to move on with life because you have to. But what a great and productive year you have ahead of you to fight in honor of Ty! Ty is with you, ladybugs or not. But I do wish you many ladybugs, love, hugs, peace and sweet sweet dreams of you holding Ty and laughing with him and reassurance of knowing he is in a beautiful and peaceful place. I also wish that Gavin will always have strong memories of his big brother to carry with him forever. Love and Peace to the Campbell family always!
    xoxo,
    Sharon B

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  34. Tonight, as I sat in my room, I just happened to look up and see a ladybug. I wasn't thinking of Ty, but the second I saw it that was all I could think about. It's been really cold in my part of the country, and I only really see ladybugs in the summer-I can't remember the last time I saw one, in fact. At first I thought it was a silly connection to make- I only know you through this blog, and I've never posted made myself know-so how could this be a message from Ty? But I felt compelled tonight to post my first comment to tell you-I believe it was a little bit of your beautiful boy, sending a small reminder that your story is being told and touching lives. It is a beautiful way for him to let you know he's still with you, and I hope you continue to get these messages from him. God bless.

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    1. <3 :)


      ~Michelle North Ga.

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  35. You are an amazing and beautiful woman. Yes, Ty is everywhere. Your little boy, your family and yourself continue to inspire us all. Children everywhere will have happier childhood's simply because of you sharing your love with us. Xoxo in fishkill.

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  36. Ty and the whole Campbell family have been on my mind all day today...still so heartbroken. Sending loving thoughts to you all...

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  37. Dear Cindy,

    I wish you the biggest, muddiest puddle for Gavin to jump in for 2013! :) It rained in Virginia the day after the new year and my daughter thought it was great that when she found a puddle (she's 3) and started splashing in it that I didn't tell her to stop. Always thinking of you and looking out for those ladybugs.

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  38. Cindy, you are a very beautiful person inside and out. Please take good care of yourself! I worry about you driving a car and falling to pieces. The world is a better place for you, Lou, Ty and Gavin. So sorry Mely had to go home and I really hope you two can be best friends again. Sending a big hug to you and I hope we meet someday.

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  39. Ok Momma, it's been too long since the last letter...praying you are well and just busy busy with honoring your baby through pediatric cancer. Much love to you.


    ~Michelle, North Ga.

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    1. Ditto, I check so often I feel like a stalker lol

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    2. Lol..I know what you mean..lol ;) we got an update tonight, gettin ready to read before I head to bed.

      ~Michelle, North Ga.

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  40. Keep going...even when the steps get hade, don't ever stop! The view is beautiful once you reach the top!

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