Sunday, May 13, 2012

I love being a mom - but I don't necessarily love mother's day

I absolutely love being a mom.  Ty and Gavin are my whole world.  And I have been trying to enjoy them as much as possible since we got home from the hospital.  On Friday I was trying to figure out how long we've been in this exhausting routine at home (meds every four hours, waking up for oxygen treatments at 5:30AM, going to school/therapy every day, driving.. driving.. and more driving..).  Can you believe it's only one week down?  One week!  It feels like an eternity.  But then again, all of this cancer stuff feels like it's been an eternity. 

I decided that I don't necessarily love Mother's Day.  It's very nice and very important, but I do find it a little sad despite my wonderful husband's efforts to make it the greatest, most relaxing day for me.  I found myself thinking mostly about my cousin Mary, whose daughter died after only 90 days on this earth.  I was worried about my own loving, amazing mom, because this is her first Mother's Day without grandma.  I thought about my friends how lost their moms, especially Keri and Kelly, and want to give them huge hugs today.  I thought about all the moms I have come to meet that are living their lives caring for their sick children.  And I thought about one very special friend who had an abusive mom who didn't know how to be a mother.  For all of these reasons and all of these loved ones of mine... I decided I don't necessarily love Mother's Day.  It can be a hard day for a lot of people.

I'm not complaining.  Please don't get me wrong.  Today was a great day for me because it was a great day for Ty.  That is how everything in my life is measured.  Secondary to that, it was a great day for me because Lou made it that way. He pampered me with a quiet, indulgent breakfast.  I was able to have as much alone time I needed at any time during the day, and I took advantage.  He is the best daddy and husband in the world. 

My mom and dad came to visit all day yesterday and it was so nice to have them here.  We celebrated an early mother's day and a belated birthday for my Dad (who's birthday was May 9).  Ty had a terrible day, though, and I was very worried about him.  He was very uncomfortable and cried often yesterday.  I second guessing whether we made the right decision to taper his pain meds all day.  I really wish he was feeling better so he could have enjoyed more of his time with Grandma and Pop-pop.

Today, however, in honor of Mother's Day, he was the opposite of yesterday.  He looked great and I think he felt great.  He smiled often, he was eager to show off how strong he's getting, and he even allowed us to go for a walk through the neighborhood as a family.  The weather was beautiful and he was willing to go in his stroller (not something he allows us to do often).  I was so grateful for that time outside.  It awakened my insides a bit :)

Just two quick stories before I call it a night (it's time for meds).
During the outpatient program at Blythedale, Ty and I often have downtime when the other kids in his class are napping and we are waiting for his next therapy.  I take him to the cafeteria, or the family room to watch some TV, but on Friday the weather was beautiful so I convinced him to take a short walk outside in his wheelchair.  As we enjoyed Spring, Ty said to me, "look Mama, look at all the clouds!  That one wook wike a pogo stick! And, that one wook wike a BEAR!"  I didn't see it, but of course I pretended to.  It was just so sweet. A pogo stick?  How does he even know what that is?

I've been taking Gavin outside to burn off some energy whenever I can, and I am pleased to report that he caught onto the magic that is found in dandelions.  He simple melts my hearts by picking the yellow flowers that have sprouted all over our lawn and saying "Here, Mommy, vis one por you!"  Then, he takes a deep breath and blows on the ones that have sprouted windborne seeds.  We lost so much time with Gavin I'm not even sure where he learned about that trick, but I'm glad he knows it.  Makes me so happy and sad at the same time seeing how much he is growing up yet wondering when and where he's learning some things.  I love him so much. 

Goodnight to all of the amazing mothers and grandmothers out there.  I hope your day was wonderful.  Before signing off, I am attaching a cute comic strip in honor of the flip side of being a mommy.  We all take the good with the bad, right?  Just grin and bear it because we love these little people too much for words. 

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful and poignant post. As a mom who spent 18 years dreading mothers' day as a reminder of the mother I lost, I understand your sentiment. Yesterday I posted a picture on Facebook remembering the phenomenal person my mother was. I always say that she formed me as a person. In that same vein Cindy, YOU are helping me form as a mother. Your strength and kindness, your passion and commitment.... Your ability to find humor in situations regardless of the circumstance, and your ability and desire to put others first when most anybody else would be self centered. I used to say that I hoped to be as good of a mom as my mother was to me. Now I add that I hope to be only half as amazing a mom as you are for your kids. You inspire me!!!! Happy Mothers' day.