Cancer.  We live in fear of this monster, and rightfully so.  It is the cause of death for one out of four people.  In fact, one out of two men, and one out of three women will be diagnosed with cancer in his or her lifetime.  What I didn’t know is that one out of 300 children under the age of 18 are diagnosed with cancer… that is, until it happened to my son, Ty, just before he turned 3 years old. I thought, “Not my child, he is the picture of health.”   And he was.   Just look at that face.   Even days after this photo was taken, when I saw the image of a tumor undeniably present in the middle of his head, I was certain we could fix it.  He was way too perfect to have anything seriously wrong with him.   This little boy was already climbing the high slide ladder by himself.   He ran alongside me on the boardwalk with energy I wish I could bottle.   He was a wild, fearless toddler so full of life… a brain tumor was si...

Physically, I have been feeling great despite my rapid weight gain :)  Every day has been so busy I barely have time to think.  But whenever I get in the car to drive, I am alone with my grief and feeling so terribly sad lately.  Like an itch that can’t be scratched, it is always there, lingering underneath my skin no matter how happy I truly am on the surface.  I think about how, although the idea of having another baby has infused a lot of happiness and anticipation into our lives, the truth remains that Ty’s absence is still so tremendously present.   I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but nothing has changed, not even one bit.   I miss him.   This wasn’t supposed to be my life.   And I would give anything to have HIM back.   It is all I really want.   Yesterday was an emotional afternoon.   I cried driving home from work.   I was wondering what my life would look like if he was still here.   W...

I was 31 years old when I got pregnant with my first.   What excitement ensued!   I remember checking the baby tracker almost daily to see what was new with the baby that day.   I cheated by reading what to expect in weeks ahead, and I bragged to my husband when he reached the size of a kumquat.   I was obsessed with knowing the gender, even though in my heart I was absolutely certain it was a girl.   I checked with the Chinese baby calendar online to determine the sex, and on my first try I landed on a blue square. I immediately reassured myself.   First of all, this is a silly, meaningless, non-scientific calculator.   Second, I’m not 100% sure about the month I conceived.   It was during a New Year’s eve getaway so maybe it was December instead of January… Let me try that.   Pink square.   Relief. I grew up babysitting so I could make extra cash in my High School days.   In fact, I started when I was 11 years old. ...

I spent the weekend cleaning out the closets with Lou.   And the toy chests.   Every time it gets a bit easier as I find less and less of Ty’s things. It’s natural for a home to transition from baby toys, to big kid toys, to teenager “stuff.”   But when the traces of a life lost slowly disappear from existence, it is painful on a level that I can’t put into words.   This year, I am giving away a silly toy where you blow into a pipe and try to balance a little foam ball as it floats above.   Aunt Debi bought it for Ty while he was in the hospital.   It was great for his therapy, but he never quite recovered the strength to get the ball in the air.   It was time to let it go.   I was consumed with guilt as I watched my hand open and the object drop into a garbage bag.   It feels as if I’m throwing away another memory, but at the same time I know I can’t keep everything (unless we're talking about a decomposing cake - that I can keep foreve...