We were in the lead for days, and we dropped into third place overnight.  We don't have any tricks up our sleeves or mailing lists left to distribute to. We just have a loving and committed group of families who have been so wonderful and supportive every step of the way.  Even if we don't win, the response has been incredible and Ty would be so proud. That being said, let's still try to win!  If every person who reads this blog votes all four times in the next 12 hours, we would be back in first place in no time at all!  And we still might win that $10,000 for childhood cancer research!  http://projects.kindsnacks.com/project/muddy-puddles-project/?start=voting?start=voting I know the website is rather dysfunctional and it isn't working properly for everyone (including me),.  I appreciate that you all keep trying, though, because every vote counts! Cindy

It comes on so suddenly, these waves of tremendous sadness.  But like the tide, they come in and they go out.  The sadness comes on suddenly, and then it is gone again.  It might last minutes, hours, or days.  But it does pass eventually.  Until it comes back again.  And that’s okay.  Such is life.  I have finally learned to just relinquish the illusion of control and accept the fact that I have none.  That bad things happen to good people. Lou and I, we are doing so great.  Then, we are not great at all.  Thanksgiving certainly doesn’t help – nor does any holiday.  But this holiday?  Knowing what comes next ?  Trying to be thankful for all of my blessings !  I can’t even remember Thanksgiving last year.  Not one thing about it, I swear.  I’m not sure it ever even happened, because I guess I wasn’t mentally here to even witness it. When someone wishes me a “Happy Thanksgiving,” my mind screams “f*...

I'm so excited to announce we have a chance to win a $10,000 grant from the KIND company - vote for the Muddy Puddles Project PLEASE! It will only take a moment of your time. Seconds, really. Please share with friends & family to vote too. CLICK HERE to vote.  We really need to get a lot of people on board so please share as much as you can. Thank you! In the meantime, we have been so busy preparing all of our end of year reports, filing our tax return, writing our holiday cards and preparing our end-of-the-year newsletter.  We have had one heck of a wildly successful year, and I am forever grateful to you all. 

Cream cheese on crackers for dinner.  That just happened.  Now I'm watching Gavin eat in front of the TV, eyes wide with satisfaction over winning tonight's dinner battle with barely a fight.  I rattled off a number of options for dinner tonight, he told me "crackers with cream cheese," I said "no," he said "yes," I said, "ok."  Then he said "in front of the TV!"  I said, "no," he said, "yes," I said, "ok."  And that was that. As I put the tub of cream cheese back in the fridge, I took a giant scoop and licked it off my finger.  I poured a big glass of wine and here we are.  Gavin and I truly had a good day today, and I really needed it.  Lou went down to Long Island to celebrate the Bar Mitzvah of our friends' son while I was supposed to be at a baby shower, but I just didn't have it in me.  I haven't been feeling very social, so I opted to stay home with Gavin instead.  First thing i...

Yesterday was Lou's birthday.  I put together a tribute video for him to try and recreate the happiness he and Donna gave to me on my birthday.  Although it doesn't compare, it was still a great representation of the true love between Daddy and Ty.  I couldn't have asked for a better man to go through this with.  He is my rock, and Ty loved his Daddy so very much.  I tried to find video clips of home movies that Lou hasn't seen in ages, and pictures that we don't look at as often.  He loved it. http://youtu.be/mYE2D67IBqA It happened to me today.  Something that hasn't happened in a really, really long time, if ever.  I was on Facebook or something meaningless like that, thinking of Ty, and for a moment I forgot he was gone.  When it hit me that he died, it was like I felt it for the first time all over again.  It only lasted seconds, that feeling of shock, but it was so powerful.  D...

I say “whole” family because Ty was with me all day today.   From the second I woke up I was thinking of him.  I snuck out of my bed without waking the other boys, and quietly enjoyed a cup of coffee while thinking about Ty and looking at the beautiful picture of him in front of me on the counter.  I felt so at peace.  Sad, but at the same time his presence was very warm in my heart.  We had a group meeting with a medium at my mom's house on Friday night, it was incredible, so I was reflecting on all of that and feeling good.  There was a lot about Friday night that I will have to save for another post, but for now I can say it was a beautiful experience at just the right time, because I was coming undone just before that.  Later this morning when I got dressed, I pulled out an old pair of jeans and put them on in an effort to decide whether or not it’s time for goodwill.  In the back pocket I found one of Ty’s Spiderman stickers f...

My head is just reeling.  I am not even sure what I want to say tonight.  Obviously, I am so sad about Halloween tomorrow.  Every time Gavin's eyes light up over the prospect of putting on his Ironman costume tomorrow (Iron Patriot, to be exact) I am reminded of Ty in his Iron Man suit.  My plastic pumpkin is sitting by the door filled with all sorts of gross, spooky Halloween candy that Ty would have loved (like gummy organs and chocolate ears and bags of "blood") but it doesn't bring me any joy because Ty wasn't here to look at the catalog and pick them out for me.  I promised him I will always have great candy on Halloween, and I hope he knows that I am keeping that promise.  He enjoyed opening to door for trick-or-treaters and giving out candy more than he enjoyed trick-or-treating himself.  Tomorrow I will reluctantly carry on the tradition for Ty - and of course, for Gavin. There has been so much about this one-year anniversary that has been ma...

You know what I love?  I love that I see the world with my eyes open.  I love that I imagine, and truly believe, that every falling leaf is channeling Ty's free spirit as it softly dances in the wind.  I love that when a sunbeam lays across my face unexpectedly, I feel like it is a warm kiss from heaven.  I love that when the gentle wind blows, I turn to face it and accept my hugs.  I love that Ty gave Daddy a ladybug this morning, when he was already having a very bad day.  I love that Lou doesn't look at me like I'm crazy anymore,* because it is too magical not to believe.  *just to clarify, Lou knows I'm all sorts of crazy, just not when it comes to Ty's ladybugs. It goes without saying that I wish I was living my life with the blinders on, as long as Ty was with me, but I had no choice in that matter and I am at least grateful for how he has changed me.  He has changed a lot of people in so many ways.  Today I spent a lot of ti...

This one year anniversary has sucked the life out of me today.  Lou and I have been going, going, going until today, and as usual the slowdown brought on severe sadness.  We have been talking about Ty nonstop today.  Moping around the house.  Wiping silent tears.  It always seems to hit us hardest when things are quiet (I guess that's why we so rarely quiet down in this busy, crazy, beautiful life).  I start cleaning and organizing and I come across so many of his things.  Like today, when I found his "guy" in a box of art supplies.  A silly little green alien that he once got as a prize after getting his blood work at the hospital.  He called the little green thing "my guy" and carried him around for weeks.  I am so fearful of the day when I clean out a closet or a toy chest and don't find his drawings, or stickers, or a toy he once loved.  Because those instances are becoming less and less one year...

This link will take you to the video that Lou shared with me on my birthday.  The best birthday gift of my life.  It is long, and so very painful for me to watch - but every time I watch it I smile more and cry less.  My beautiful, beautiful baby boy.  I feel like he is right next to me again.  http://youtu.be/8ABW_Zg_Kh8 One year has passed.  How did we survive 365 days without Ty?  I don't even know.  I honestly don't know!  Lou and I spent the day together, reflecting on our last day with Ty.  Reflecting on his last breaths and the time we spent with him afterward.  We are numb.  Even after a year, we are still in shock and disbelief that this happened to us.  More importantly, that this happened to him .  Our tattoos are bandaged up for now.  I will share them over the next few days.  I am so NOT a tattoo girl, this is my one and only, and I am surprised to say that I love it so very much.  The...

Thursday will be one year since the day Ty died.  I have been a fraction of myself for weeks.  I don't respond to so many kind and thoughtful messages because I am so just numb I have nothing to say.  I feel like a walking void.  The biggest problem I have with accepting this one year mark is the sheer impossibility of it all.  Despite the fact that I miss him profoundly with every second of every day - I am ever aware of his absence - at the same time I still don't fully believe he is gone.  As it approaches, this one year anniversary is shoving the painful reality down my throat.  It's real.  It really did happen.  He is never coming back.  I just lived an entire year without him here with me.  How can that be? This blog saves me sometimes because I internalize all of my emotions behind a public veil.  Writing like this at the end of the day gives me an opportunity to open the floo...

Pasted below is a very exciting announcement that was first posted to the St. Baldrick's website on Friday, Ty's birthday.  Coupled with our recent donation to fund a fellowship in support of the Children's Brain Tumor Project at Weill Cornell, this second alliance marks the beginning of many more research investments and similar announcements to come.  We are committed to funding the most innovative research, specifically geared toward the deadliest childhood cancers (including brain/spinal tumors, sarcomas and neuroblastoma).  Since 2005, St. Baldrick’s has awarded $103 million in grants – more than $25 million in 2012 alone. We now have the opportunity to co-fund grants with this terrific organization, minimizing our administrative costs and speeding up the selection process so we can get these much needed funds into the hands of the researchers without delay.  They have one of the most sophisticated Scientific Advisory Committees among all c...

Gavin wanted to make cupcakes tonight.  He's been asking for a while, so we finally did.  I realized he was not with us when we had our cupcake for Ty on his birthday, so Lou and I had Gavin sing to Ty and blow out a candle for him.  When it was time to make a wish, he said "I wish that Ty and me will fly on a flying pirate ship."  That was a great wish.  Made Lou and I smile at our sweet Gavin.  Here is the video on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1tAF8PMSI4    

Yesterday was an incredibly long day, and we tried to find ways to celebrate Ty in every way. There is a park in Long Beach at the end of Magnolia Street.  It is right next to the boardwalk, and I took Ty and Gavin to play there almost every day when they were little.  Just before Ty passed away, we asked our friends in Long Beach to seek approval for us to place a statue of Ty in the park, and they did!  Just as we were beginning to plan this incredible tribute to Ty, Sandy rolled in and took the entire park with her.  It was devastating. Thanks to the incredible Long Beach community, they rallied together to win a grant for a new playground at Magnolia.  It was amazing to watch how the families and neighbors came together to rebuild this very special place.  Lou and I were able to begin planning again.  The new park was completed earlier this summer, and it is adorable.  The last of the construction, the ramp up to the bo...