He died on a beautiful fall afternoon, too.  I checked the weather this morning, and it looks like another seven straight days of perfection ahead. This weather has always been my absolute favorite, but of course now it leaves me ambushed with the sad, gut-wrenching memories of one year ago.  Thankfully, some of those memories of Ty's last days are incredibly beautiful and they keep me putting one foot in front of the other.  Whenever I recall Ty's unbreakable "smile of the day," I continue to be awestruck and inspired.  This was just 10 days before he passed away.  Fall in New York is so incredibly perfect.  The trees are enchanting, the crisp breeze fills my lungs with purity and the sun continues to warm my face.  Days like this prove to me that God is all around.  Ty, too.  Every falling leaf is a poetic reminder of our love and loss.  As much as I find myself smiling at my most favorite...

September is going to be sad.  It's as simple as that.  But I learned very early on in this grieving process that if I don't keep myself busy, I will fall apart.  So... busy we have been.  The first annual Mahopac "TYathlon" is tomorrow and we are so excited.  It is already a huge success raising well over $50,000 for childhood cancer research.  We have over 250 athletes registered.  I can't thank the entire team of volunteers enough.  They made this happen and I will be forever grateful.  In addition to the TYathlon, there is a team of wonderful women who are also fundraising for the foundation at the Warrior Dash tomorrow. Go team "warriors for muddy puddles!"  I will thinking of you all tomorrow with gratitude.  As I've mentioned time and time again since I started this blog, September is childhood cancer awareness month.  Something I did not know in September of 2009, but became all too familiar with in 2010. ...

Quick update on the big race next weekend.  The deadline to register is Friday and we hope you can join us for the triathlon (sprint) or the 5K by registering here .  If you don't wish to participate, but are nearby and willing to help out - please don't hesitate to email tyathlon@gmail.com ASAP.  We need several volunteers for the early bird shift (starting 5:30AM) and a few others to help out at the 5K starting 9AM.  I hope to see you there! I've said this before.  The worst days are those spent at home with nothing to do.  We normally live such an incredibly busy lifestyle.  We have plans every weekend!  However, with the TYathlon coming up in a week, we took it easy so Lou could train in the morning and I wanted to catch up on things around the house while spending some quiet time with Gavin.  What was I thinking? I did laundry and I cried when putting away some new school clothes in Gavin's closet.  The top row is lined with se...

After 9/11, missing person fliers covered every building, every lamppost, every parked car on my block for weeks to follow.  I lived one block East of the Armory, where families went to report missing loved ones. So, back-to-school is in full effect and tomorrow is 9/11.  God help me get through September.  Then, next week will mark the day we drove home for the last time from the hospital. Ty's very last time in a car as I stroked his hair, covered his t-shirt in tears  and held him in my arms in the back seat.  How I wish that hour-long car ride could have lasted forever.  Like, if we never get home to where he is supposed to die, then he would never die.  I was just telling Lou how I relish in the memories of Ty's scent.  His hair always smelled delicious, no matter how dirty and sticky from long stays in the hospital and sick spells.  Yet, Gavin can take one small lap around the house and end up with the stinkie...

This past week has been so fast, I don’t really know how much I even have the energy to share.  In between back-to-school and all the other “anniversaries” we have ahead of us, Lou and I have been in constant flux.  We are capable of passing time with friends and family, but while we smile and enjoy the company we are simultaneously toeing the line as we fight back the grief that continues to chip away at our souls.  We have immeasurable anxiety and our anger is, at times, hard to manage.  We have to remind one another that the real reason we are so angry over the literal act of Gavin’s “spilled milk” is because the nagging pain of our loss has made itself more and more known over the past few weeks. Sadness is so physical.  Grief can be personified.  If only you could see how another person is feeling, right?  If you had that ability to see it as I walked past you on a crowded street, you wouldn’t help but notice the fact that there is a steel weigh...

Today marks the first day of childhood cancer awareness month, and as one of our board members pointed out - Chicken Mcnuggets are trending but nothing on going gold for childhood cancer. President Obama decided NOT to light the white house gold despite the request from more than 25K people who signed the petition. Of course, everyone is talking about it in the childhood cancer community, but we have to get this awareness to break out of the box and into the hearts of the billions of people who are otherwise immune to the cause.  We have 30 days to make this trend #gogold4kids.  Please feel free to save the following images and use them as your profile or cover images throughout the month.  My hope is that some day - with all we are doing to spread awareness, help families and fund research - there will no longer be a "childhood cancer community." September is a big month for the cause, but it is also one of the scariest months for me, personal...

I had one of my worst nights of insomnia last night.  I watched the clock until it was light out again, rolled my tired soul out of bed and poured a cup of coffee.  I give up trying.  Hopefully tomorrow night will be better. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact that almost one year has passed (IMPOSSIBLE), and I couldn't stop staring at sleeping Gavin next to me and replaying our conversations in my head.  The tears were endless. Gavin had a playdate yesterday.  This is a very rare thing and I was so happy to watch him hugging and playing with his little friend.  It was simply adorable (until we came downstairs to find popcorn covering every inch of the room.  Popcorn fight when we weren't looking!!).  He had a lot of fun.  At one point I heard his friend ask, "Do you have a sister?"  Very easily, Gavin answered, "No.  I have a brother.  Just a brother.  But he died." "He died!?!?!  MOM!  ...

Some days I just don't want to live my life without him in it I haven’t been able to update the calendar in my kitchen since July.  Every two months, I erase and write in the upcoming months, filling in the birthdays, anniversaries, appointments and other plans.  That means I was supposed to write out August and September by now.  But I can’t bring myself to do it, just as I couldn’t bring myself to erase that same calendar for months after losing him.  In those eight weeks, it shows our life before we knew Ty’s cancer returned – with a hopeful “first day of school” written in – and then “Ty is 5!” written happily, a little square on the wall that I would often stare at in disbelief until I finally found the strength to erase it.  Of course, I took pictures first. It looks like such a normal family calendar, until you look a little closer and see that Hospice was coming by one day in September for our orientation.  MRI isn’t a common thing to be ...

When Ty first got diagnosed with cancer, he was 2 years, 10 months old.  We adopted phrases around "fighting" and nicknamed him "the little fighter."  This name still rings true to Ty.  He continues to inspire others to fight on, just as he did.  Back then we dreamed of triumph against the evil monster that grew inside him for no good reason at all.  We thought we would win.  Today Lou and I still dream of triumph.  A very unfair and different kind of triumph, but nonetheless, we still dream big.  We want to DO SOMETHING to help change this.  But we can't do it alone.  And - thanks to people like you - we aren't.    Copied below is an excerpt from a letter I received in the mail last week.  It is a true testament to how Ty's story will continue to inspire others long after he's gone.  I promise you that he inspires and will continue to inspire me each and every day.  "Just after meeting you at the f...

To say the first ever MESS FEST was a success, would be an extreme understatement.  The event was already a success when we sold 500 tickets in advance - I was shocked and overjoyed. It was already a success when I stood in the pouring rain Friday night with a crew of incredible volunteers raking mud, unloading supplies, setting up stations, moving tables, and lifting box after box after box.  I don't know exactly how many people showed up, but I do know it was well over 1,500.  We had 1,500 general admission wristbands.  I planned on counting the leftovers to subtract and figure out how many people attended.  Never did I imagine we would run out before 1:45pm (the event was from 11 - 4)!  People just kept coming and coming.  We had cars backed up for over 2 miles just waiting to get into the incredible Camp Kiwi.  We had 80 volunteers on rotation for the event.  I was planning for anywhere from 500-700 guests.  W...