Tuesday, January 2, 2018

I dreamed of you. Finally.

It wasn't for long. It was a restless night, in general, with all sorts of thoughts swimming in my head that lead to all sorts of weird dreams.  At one point I remember saying to myself "dream of him... dream of Ty tonight..."  I do that all the time, though, and it never works.

Last night, out of nowhere, I found myself outside on a warm sunny day, surrounded by friends and family.  I can't tell you who, I just know we were comfortable and enjoying the day together.  Someone came by and handed me Ty.  I wasn't surprised to see him.  Holding him was as natural as always.  He was the same 5 year old boy, but he wasn't in pain.  He didn't walk, he didn't hold his head up strong, but he was still sitting up in my arms and talking to everyone around him in his sweet voice.  He was wearing red pants and a white tee shirt.  His arms were still skinny but his grip was stronger - he was doing well.  All I could say to him is... "you see?  You ARE getting big!   You're growing up!  My baby."  And I nuzzled my nose and lips into his hair over and over again so I could feel him and smell him.  He was laughing and talking low.  I couldn't make mush sense of what anyone was saying, and soon the moment was over.  I woke up.

That was it.  That was my dream.  I don't know how i feel about it, but I do know that the feeling of my nose nuzzled into his hair was so real.  It was like a real visit with him.  I wish I could dream about him all the time so at least some small portion of my life was still spent with him in my arms.  But no matter how few and far between they are, I recognize the dream was a gift and I'm so happy he came to me last night.  I've been thinking about it all day and it has lightened my steps a bit.  Sometimes I imagine his spirit with me in the bathroom when I'm giving Bodhi a bath. That was always a very special time for us - Ty and me.  I like to imagine he would sit on the toilet bowl dangling his legs while watching and laughing.

Bodhi and Gavin are just amazing together.  Bodhi reminds me a lot of them both.  I have loads of flashbacks with Bodhi from when Ty was a toddler.  I'm constantly reliving his pre-diagnosis behaviors and while they are adorable and amusing, it's hard for me to watch Bodhi play sometimes. It's just a little too familiar.

Our christmas tradition has become a gift from Ty under the tree for his brothers - a candy house to build as a family in his memory.  We built it together the other night, I swear Gavin was really enjoying it - even in his underwear.  The roof was already eaten off by the second day :)

I love my boys.  Life is crazy.  We jump in muddy puddles, we run outside in 5 degrees, we forget things, we are clumsy, but we find happiness in the craziness.  We are the Campbell's :)