Saturday, February 6, 2016

Grief. It creeps up on me.

My grief.  It can come out of nowhere at all.  Really.  There doesn’t have to be a trigger.  There doesn’t have to be an anniversary, or a birthday, a special time of year or a certain smell in the air.  Sometimes, it just happens. 

I found this incomplete blog post as I was trying to organize the files on my laptop this morning.  This is one among many.  I still write to help myself, but I don’t always post what I write anymore.  I worry that it is often so sad - because that is when I need to write - so I try to be cognizant of that.  But when I got to the end of this one, it made me proud, and I want to share… 

August 2015:
Tonight I want to Daryl’s House for the first time.  For those of you who don’t know, Daryl’s House is a venue that opened up in Pawling just about a year ago, and it is a great place for enjoying dinner with incredible live music.  Daryl Hall started “Live from Daryl’s House” – a free monthly web show – in 2007, and he created this venue to give his favorite artists a place to play. 

Also for those of you who don’t know, I absolutely love to listen to live music with the exception of drum solos, which is a legitimate pet peeve of mine (even when it’s you, Tommy Lee!).  Anyway, it’s been a long time.  A really, really long time.  Ty getting sick changed everything in my life.  I still have yet to gain a lot of it back, and of course I’ll never be the same.  But tonight, I feel like I found a tiny sliver of my old self again.

So the Jason Gisser Band was going to play at Daryl’s House tonight.  Of COURSE I would be there despite the internal struggle I face any time I am invited to “go out.”  I got there, it was a beautiful summer night.  I was excited to be out with a signature martini in my hand, surrounded by a number of fun, lighthearted people.  We laughed, we ate and we danced in our chairs to some incredible music.  Some of my favorite songs were played (Angel from Montgomery by Bonnie Rait and Ramble On by Led Zeppelin) and I texted Lou to tell him how happy I was to be out enjoying this music.  By the time the Jason Gisser Band came on, I was downright giddy.  I had so much fun listening, watching, dancing, etc. 

Then I don’t know what happened!  I mean, seriously… W..T..F..???  I was listening to their encore performance, loving every minute of it, and all of a sudden I was holding him again.  My baby boy.  I relived the moment he was cradled in my arms as he gasped his last breath.  I watched the life leave from his partly opened eyes, and the pulse of his heart stop delivering a rhythmic throb from within his partly opened lips.  His beautiful face immediately went from looking “still alive” to looking… the opposite.  And there I sat, surrounded by people enjoying a great night out with great music, and somehow I didn’t cry.  Somehow, I didn’t run away.  I wanted to.  I even played it all out in my head in case I did need to leave in a panic, but thankfully, I didn’t.

I have decided, this very second as I reflect on what went down tonight that… Yes, I am STRONG!  Thank you, for all who have told me that over the years because I refused to believe it until just now.  I am fucking strong.  And Lou is fucking strong. And we are so lucky that we haven’t jumped yet, even though there are so many times we need to talk one another off the ledge.  I am thankful for a fun night out, that didn’t end with me fleeing in a panic.  XOXO. 


I miss you, Ty.  I love you so. I can't wait to see you again.  


16 comments:

  1. And just like that, your words connect the dots for so many of us. So very proud to call you my role model in strength,determination, humility, and motherhood.

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  3. GRIEF SUCKS PERIOD..I too have had bouts of horrendous grief though over the loss of my Dad, I know NOTHING compared to the loss of Ty but a loss for me. The only way I rationalize it is that my LOVE was so TREMENDOUS that naturally my GRIEF would be as well. I still think of you and the family and send my love and prayers. YOU AND LOU ARE STRONG!!! I am so happy to hear that you see it, feel it and own it. We have all felt it for so long but YOU needed too! KUDOS for surviving your "night out" I'm sure it would've be easier to run out sobbing but you muddled through COOL BEANS!

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  4. I'm so glad you shared this with us and we get to see how you finally see how strong you and Lou are. I don't think I could have survived as well as you both have.I don't feel that strong but you give me hope,that if I ever have to face anything so heart wrenching, Maybe somehow I too will find the strength to face the world again. Sending all my love and prayers for you all as always...Jean

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  5. You're so strong, Lou is so strong. I miss your writing. I know that may be a bit selfish, but I do. I miss reading your posts. . . they always shift me right back into reality.

    I miss my dad. I know that my 63 year old father dying in NO WAY compares to the loss of a child, but now I truly understand grief. I will never be the same. I will never get over it, and I don't think I will ever be happy again. However, I can't imagine if I lost a child. What I am feeling, the pain, times 10 billion. I couldn't do it. I am not strong like you.

    Not ONLY do you survive, you spend every single day of your lives fighting for a cure. Why? It can't help Ty now. Because YOU'RE AMAZING, because YOU'RE SELFLESS! You are truly the most amazing woman I know. Possibly, the most amazing woman in the world.

    Thank you for sharing your life, your grief with all of us. I am a better person because of you, your family and of course, "the best good boy in the whole wide world".

    <3 Joy

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  6. You are fucking strong. Wish you never had to be, but you are and I think that is called grace. I think of your sweet boy, who I never even met, so very often. Wishing you and your husband peace as you travel this broken road.

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  7. Look at his beautiful face, so so beautiful.. You are the strongest person I know Cindy, you and Lou, I do not think I would have managed the same. Many hugs to youxxxxxxx

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  8. You are amazing and I believe without a doubt that you will be with your beautiful Ty again.

    Ann from Buffalo

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  9. and you will see him again! No doubt in that. All our loved ones watch down on us and constantly surround us, especially when we need it the most. God made you to be Ty's and Gavin's mom.

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  10. You and Lou are SO strong..and SO heartbroken. I hope somehow, someway, knowing that there are so many souls grieving, hurting, empathizing, and wishing healing for your family somehow helps you guys just a tiny bit. <3

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  11. I just read this Cindy, and it's good for your soul to miss him, and at the same time know you will hold him again. I wish you and Lou peace. Allow yourself to be happy again, in a different way then before, but happy.

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  12. I know the feeling all too well we lost 2 babies Ethan was 2 and Baby Stevie was 3 months, yes the grief hits out of nowhere thats what brought me here to your blog again tonight I thought of you as i felt this overwhelming sense of pain..I'm not strong i barely crawl through life now and wish it would hurry up and be over already.. i have lost mom, dad, grandparents,sisters,all 3 of my brothers but NOTHING COMPARES TO THIS PAIN NOTHING!!!!!

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  13. Thank you so much for posting. Over the years I have checked in so many times and wonder how you are doing. You have helped so many people deal with grief. I know that is not the "help" you wanted to be in this world, but....we thank you. Please try to keep posting. You are doing more good than you can possibly realize. :)

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  14. I miss you Ty. There is something so cruel that we get to enjoy life while knowing how horrible your suffering was. I wish you were here.

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