Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Is October over yet?

It's a tough month.  It's as simple as that.  I thought I would be okay, because in general I've been getting by pretty well, but I was wrong.  Lou was wrong, too.  I am borrowing this from my friend Andrea (Riley's proud mama), because it couldn't be a more appropriate depiction of how we have been feeling for the past 4 weeks.

But despite these feelings, we prefer to tell everyone, "I'm fine."  Because it's easier.  For all of us.

How fitting. Lou just walked past me as I was typing and saw the graphic posted above.  He joked, "You're not fine... You're crazy."  I told him to take another look at what it reads.  He leaned in closer for a double take and he laughed out loud at the perfect irony.

Colleen and I always shared our awesomeness - both of us having birthdays in October and simply adoring the fact that we are Libras.  Because - as all Libra's know well - being a Libra is simply the best.  When Ty was born just days after me, I relished in the fact that we were guaranteed to be two peas in a pod.  He would totally "get" me, and I would totally "get" him, because our beautiful little Libra minds were wired the same way.  On my birthday Colleen texted me a "Happy Craptober" message, and I laughed and cried simultaneously as I thought about how much I can't wait for this month to be over.  Hope you all had a happy Craptober.  Just a few more days and I'll be fine.  Like a zombie on Halloween at midnight, I will emerge from under this dirty pile of grief with my arms in the air - a survivor once again (just before I eat some brains) :)

All month long, I walk outside to a beautiful day that is neither hot nor cold.  No humidity in the air, and the leaves on the trees truly couldn't be more beautiful.  I am reminded... this is just like the day we brought him home from the hospital after he was born.  This is just like the day I took my favorite video of him running in and out of the ocean in Long Beach.  This is just like the day Mely, Ty, Gavin and I ventured to the walkway over the Hudson (we had never been before) and noticed his labored breathing on the drive home.  That was they day we first suspected the worst but refused to say it out loud.  This is just like the day I held him in my arms when we went outside for the last time - when we sat on the bench that I have since engraved with the words, "Ty was here."  This is just like the day he died.  This is just like the day we cremated him.  This is just like the day I sat on the steps in my yard with his Monster Blankie over my shoulders and cried myself into a puddle because he was gone and never coming back.

heart-shaped leaf for my Ty
Lou just pointed out that there is a ladybug on the ceiling right above me as I write.  There has certainly been no shortage of ladybugs this month.  In fact, there hasn't been a single day since October 17 (the anniversary of his death) that I haven't been able to find at least a dozen in my house.  In fact, the other day was a particularly tough one for no particular reason so I took the video camera out to document the fact that there were 52 ladybugs in my kitchen alone.  52 - that is not a typo.  And like I posted earlier - it's not just the ladybugs.  I am fully aware of the science behind the ladybugs and why they are here under these weather conditions and such.  I am aware that my house is not the only house that has been invaded (and, PS, if yours is one of them you should remember they are a sign of good luck and spirituality).  It's the fact that they are here when I need them.  They won't leave!  But by November 1st I am pretty sure they will be gone. Not because the temperature is dropping or what-not, but because Ty knows we will be better when October is behind us.

But don't worry.  I am certain that on a cold winter night, out of nowhere and maybe just after I talk about Ty, I know one will appear above me once again.  Because it always seems to work that way, and that is Ty's promise to all of us. There is something so much more than "this."

Halloween is the last tough day to get through and I just can't stop the memories from pouring in.  They are intense and I am actually very happy about that.  Knowing that I remember every year, every costume, is something that I am beyond grateful for.  Because my greatest fear (and any bereaved mom will agree) is the fear of forgetting.  I remember the Halloween parade at Memorial Sloan Kettering.  I never shared this picture because we look terrible.  We had to go to clinic for our weekly post-chemo check-up and Ty had mouth sores - it was about 3 weeks after his 3rd birthday.  He was too uncomfortable to wear a costume for the hospital "parade" so we went with Spiderman PJ's.  I thought I looked like such a train wreck in this picture and refused to share it ever since. HA!  I had no idea what was ahead - I didn't even know what trainwreck meant yet.  I also didn't share this picture before because his eyes were swollen and red underneath, he has a mouth sore, and he just looks sad.  But it sits in my office on the board above my computer and I have stared at it many times when talking to him.  This is a fond memory of mine, even if it's hard to look at.

Lou and I went to a Halloween party the other night that was hosted by one of our incredible board members, and all I can say is "Thank you."  We got out, it was so good for us, and I got to see so many people who I love and who I want to be in touch with more often but just can't find the strength to put myself out there sometimes.  I'm happy to say we shared some a whole lot of smiles during this otherwise difficult month.  (thank you, Mellissa).

I am disappointed with my Halloween loot this year.  Ty would be, too.  And that makes me mad at myself.  But I let my mood get the best of me and I didn't buy the candy I always promised I would (the eyeball chocolates, the gummy earthworms, the booger gum and the marshmallow insects) but after I realized how disappointed Ty would be, last night I invested in several bags of Ring Pops (lucky kids will get the blue ones), Starburst (pink were Ty's favorite - and everyone's, really, right?) and sour patch kids.  Not as cool as the years before, but I hope he is still proud of his mama for picking out his favorite things.  Tonight we carved a Jack-O-Lantern that Gavin designed and I just know he would have approved.  I feel he was with us.  Which is also why I was compelled to write after such a long silence.  Thank you for waiting and caring and sharing and supporting us through all of this.  XOXO.  Happy Craptober to you all :)

another heart leaf for my boy - on our "date" bench

2009 - Janice's house.  I just want to go back to this place.


  1. The grief process sucks...No other words for it. It's new for me, and takes incredible amounts of strength to "get through". I hope Ty visits you in your dreams...It's the best feeling. Well, as close as to the best feeling that you can get. The "I"M FINE" graphic is awesome!!!!! Thank you for sharing.

  2. Happy Craptober. Something made me visit your BLOG site tonite and what a pleasure that you wrote. Big love

  3. You look beautiful and happy in the picture with Ty!

  4. Love you xo🐞💙💛

    -Jack,Di,Bub and your girl Addie

  5. October is forever my most and least favorite month. It is the last month that Ty was here and it is the month that Ty left you. It is a month that he was given to you and then taken from you. I have such mixed feelings about it. Have I told you how obsessed I always was with your "date" with Ty? I remember and picture it as I was there. You were telling him that this is what a date is between a boy and girl. That was so beautiful and it was last time his pain allowed you to take him outside while he was still comfortable. Cindy I am with you, we all stood by and did nothing. We all failed Ty and many other children. I don't know why that is, I don't know why cancer is still unbeatable. I don't know why we can't do more. And time and time again I am sorry because every single day that I'm happy my mind always travels to you and even if just for a moment but I suddenly get sad and angry for allowing myself this happiness while others suffer. Ty for you my beautiful boy I would have engraved my heart and it would also say "Ty was here" and you are never going away. You are my perspective in life. You are my guidance and my brave beautiful superhero. I'm so glad Cindy that Ty is always thinking of sending you ladybugs in October. He is just as caring and passionate as you are my beautiful Libra people. Love and miss you.

  6. I am so happy there were so many ladybirds Cindy, it truly is amazing to know Ty was there when you really needed him. As hard it was to see the picture of him suffering you look lovely and he so beautiful... I think of you every single dayXX October is also my birthday and my partner (he is Libra too) but yet I cant wait for it to be over for youxxx

  7. My heart aches. Cindy you are the strongest person I have ever met. Your words are so eloquent and I know that you continue to make Ty proud with every single breath you take. Thank you for making the world a better place. ♡♡♡♡

  8. Just thinking of you all...wishing it was different

  9. I know exactly what you mean by wanting to crawl back into a picture.

  10. LOVE the Star Wars costumes, and you and I Ty look wonderful together, so much so that I hardly even noticed the mouth sore, only focusing on those beautiful Ty eyes and your smile...:)

    I have had a heavy heart for two months now (which is nothing compared to how you feel I know), but so glad that Ty sends you signs that he is near.

    Hope Gavin has fun tonight. Be strong and safe. Ty will be right there with his bro!!

  11. Mother's love is the most beautiful thing in the world...

  12. Have you seen this?

  13. You certainly have the most beautiful heartbreaking blogs .... I do 100% believe there is more than "this" too. Ty is with you all the time & please take comfort in that !!

  14. Just thinking of you all...praying for good days.