Saturday, September 21, 2013

Excitement among the sadness

September is going to be sad.  It's as simple as that.  But I learned very early on in this grieving process that if I don't keep myself busy, I will fall apart.  So... busy we have been.  The first annual Mahopac "TYathlon" is tomorrow and we are so excited.  It is already a huge success raising well over $50,000 for childhood cancer research.  We have over 250 athletes registered.  I can't thank the entire team of volunteers enough.  They made this happen and I will be forever grateful. 

In addition to the TYathlon, there is a team of wonderful women who are also fundraising for the foundation at the Warrior Dash tomorrow. Go team "warriors for muddy puddles!"  I will thinking of you all tomorrow with gratitude. 

As I've mentioned time and time again since I started this blog, September is childhood cancer awareness month.  Something I did not know in September of 2009, but became all too familiar with in 2010.  So, this is my third childhood cancer awareness month since I became "aware" myself.  This year, I can't help but think it's different. 

In my opinion, more and more people are really getting behind the go gold initiatives in 2013.  So many more foundations and support pages are on Twitter, and are sharing one another's initiatives.   I'm so proud every time I see childhood cancer foundations sharing from other childhood cancer advocates.  There have been PROFOUND blog posts on childhood cancer - pretty much every day.  I am living this entire month in a whirlwind of vivid memories from the saddest days of my life, sandwiched between the need to read what others are sharing about their own childhood cancer experiences because I can't believe how much I am connecting with their words.  It is therapeutic in the saddest way imaginable.  I feel so much less alone in my world of grief and gumption. 

Maybe it's because I've had more time to pay attention, but I don't think that's it.  I really do think more and more people are listening.  AND, I really do think more and more of the childhood cancer community is uniting to share what one another has to say.  Thank God.  As my tee shirt of the day reads, "Together We Are Stronger." (I really am wearing a shirt that says that right now - how fitting).

I can't even begin to write about the emotional roller coaster this month has been.  The truth is, Lou and I are sad.  Maybe sadder than we have ever been!  There is something about the "one year" mark that makes everything so real.  It's as if I spend the entire year living one day at a time, hoping tomorrow I will wake up and Ty will be back in my bed again.  After the reality of one year hits, for some reason that silly little world of denial seems to explode into bits and the truth hits you over the head like a ton of bricks.  It's been a year.  Don't you get it? 

NO!  I don't get it!!  I never will!!  I lay in my bed at night and I try to pray but my mind is blank.  It used to take me so long to get through my ritual of prayers... begging for Ty's healing.  Now I pray for my family and for children with cancer, but all I really want to ask is to please, please, please make it happen so that Ty comes back.  Rewind and let's go back to when he was okay and let him never ever have cancer.  I make silly promises to be the best person ever.  I say things that I know are ridiculous like, "you're God, you can make anything happen.  Won't you please just do this one thing?"  I know how pathetic it is before even asking so I can usually refrain... but every once in a while... I just can't help but ask. 

I need to be up so early to get to the race tomorrow with Gavin and my nephews in tow.  I really should cut this short and try to rest this crazy, mixed up mind of mine.  I have been torturing myself with photos, so here a bunch of Septembers for you before I sign off.  Thank you, as always, for your tremendous love and support.  I am humbled and oh so grateful for everyone who continues to care about our family after all we've been through.  Thank you. good night.  I hope to see you tomorrow.

Ty Campbell.  September 2008, 11 months old

 
September 2009, Gavin's Christening

September 2010, and so it begins

 

 2011, September
2012

18 comments:

  1. Thinking about him..

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  2. They other night I had the worst nightmare of my life. I dreamt my youngest son drowned. The funeral passed but I couldn't remember seeing him dead. I kept trying to call hospitals to see his body but could never get through. I remember I kept waking up, relieved it was just a dream but I would drift back to sleep just to resume the worst nightmare off my life. I woke up in fear. I hugged my children to where they were fighting me to let them go. It wasn't until I talked to my mom that morning that I completely lost it. I couldn't breath. Like the air was poison and there was no relief in sight. It was the first time since my following your blog that I had the tiniest microscopic glimpse of your loss. I would do anything to erase this for you. I wish I would of won that huge lottery so that I could give it all to you for ty, for all the other children that deserve the chance to live. Ty is part of me now. I carry him with me always. I vow to do whatever I can to help. Thinking of you guys always.

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  3. I hope you can sleep tonight mama tomorrow's going to be a great day:)! Love, Emily.

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  4. Spending the rest of my life fighting against this monster that stole Ty from you. Holding you all in my heart and praying for your strength today and all days. "Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have."

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  5. woke up the other morning and you and Ty were the first thing I thought about. Amongst the screaming, yelling and fighting of the two boys in this house, I still felt grateful. I wish I didn't become this way because of your sorrow and pain. But, the truth is, you did make me feel and live more grateful. I am not like that everyday, I pull my hair out, scream, etc. But, I can always think and stop myself better now. I love you guys. I am so sad that your beautiful, beautiful boy was taken from you much to early, much to soon, way too harsh. I was not able to attend today. I did have plans, but a broken toe and work,came in the way. I am thinking of you all today though, as I do everyday. I will be thinking of you especially hard over the next few weeks. Take care, Cindy and Lou. <3
    Shawna
    Millbrook, NY

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  6. As the anniversary of Ty's death approaches I find myself thinking about you and your family more than ever. I don't think it's weird or strange to "bargain" with God for your baby boy. I am so sorry you, and every family with a child stricken with this disease is suffering. Your pain and sense of loss is heartbreaking. I know you are making a difference in cancer awareness. Finish this journey you and Ty started together. He is at the end of the finish line with all the other beautiful children. Go mama, and know in your heart he is with you.

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  7. Julie and Casey in mnSeptember 21, 2013 at 10:12 PM

    I hope your event today was wonderful! I can hardly believe it myself it has almost been a year! I think of you, Ty and your family often, and hug my Casey tighter. Thanks for your posts and helping us all realize what is really important in love. All my best, Julie and casey

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  8. I pray every day that I could turn back time and make it so Ty never got cancer - when I think about all he went through, the grief and sadness you live with - I really do pray that I could grant your wish, that God could make it so. And although I know it's not to be - I do send you and Lou, and all of your family, love and strength to get through the difficult times. May Ty rest in peace. I'll never forget him. I promise to stand by you guys and help change the future for other kids battling this disease. xoxoxoxoxo Donna

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  9. As you've heard many times, but I'm sure will never tire of hearing, Ty's story has changed my life and made me a better person. What a blessing and a gift Ty is to this world.

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  10. Together we are stronger!!! I love you my friend!! Good luck to lou tomorrow. Love, kelly

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  11. It's so hard to believe that could happen to a kid like him. To ANY kid. Seeing the picture from 2011--he looked so good! He looked happy and strong, on a road to better health. And then, that 2012 picture which tells the rest of the tale. You don't even need to use words. The pictures tell the story so much more profoundly than words ever could.

    Today is officially fall. I know it must be such a hard time for you guys, since it is so close to that dreaded one-year anniversary. I wish you all the best, because you absolutely deserve it.

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  12. Thinking about you and dreading October like I'm sure you are.. I still keep you in my prayers and think of you often

    Love Gabrielle

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  13. Seriously, he is the most beautiful child I've ever seen...

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  14. Ty and that awesome hair! I love them all, but the last photo is sad to look at, as I started reading your blog last September. You can see how much he changed during that time. I wish it never happened, Cindy, and that I could rewind the clock and change this horrible outcome for you.
    Knowing the race was a success makes me feel good. People are supporting pediatric cancer and it is making a difference! SUPERTY forever.

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  15. It is just so hard to belive that this is all left of Ty. Just pictures of a beautiful baby boy. 5 pictures, 5 beautiful years that he stayed on this earth. I know that you will make a difference in the world Cindy, but just by being Ty mom is already the biggest achievement. Your precious prince was here and now millions of us are his followers, his admirers. Your family is always on my mind. Miss you dearly baby boy.

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  16. Stunningly beautiful photos. It's no wonder this awful loss is so hard to grasp.

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  17. Cindy - The photos are amazing and heart wrenching. I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers

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  18. i can't imagine your pain because i am a complete stranger and my heart hurts so bad for Ty and you guys!! Ty has taught and given so much love that we didn't even know was possible! Thank you for that!! Bridget from Baltimore

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