Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's Day Hurts Like Hell

Poor Lou.  As anyone can imagine, today was a very hard day for him.  He spent his first Father’s Day without Ty in bed for the majority of the day. 

Last night we celebrated Father’s Day by going out to dinner with my sister and brother-in-law while my mom and dad babysat all the boys (Gavin and my nephews).  Gavin was so happy all day to be with his cousin, and we all had a great day at the beach.   Dinner was delicious, and we had a lot of fun into the very late hours of the night.  Escaping like that was good for us, but I think it only made the reality of today hit Lou even harder.   Every time I went into the bedroom to check on him he was either sleeping, crying, or looking through the pictures and watching all of his videos of Ty.  I watched some with him, we cried together a bit, and we talked about how it is so hard to look back at all the pain and suffering Ty experienced.  We both agreed that we were blind to how bad Ty was at times, and only now when we look back at the videos and photos do we see what everyone else must have seen.  Only now do we realize how hurt and sick he was, and only now do we see what his doctors and nurses must have seen.  Were we the last to know that he was going to die?  If so, I’m glad.  Because maintaining hope and just loving on Ty and dreaming about his future in spite of it all only allowed us to give Ty the security that he needed on the toughest days.  I looked at the pictures and I told Lou how he was and is the best dad in the whole world.  He gave Ty every little piece of him and he just loves his boys so very much.  I wish I could trade places and give Ty back to Lou.  All day I just felt so helpless.


Lou and Gavin, wishing Ty was holding the other hand

Then Lou came out of the room around 5PM and said, “Can you do me a favor and get some frames and some pictures of Ty so we can put them all over the house for the rest of the time we are here?”  Yes, of course!  I was so happy to have something to do for him!  Something that would make him feel better.   I hopped on my bike, I pedaled to CVS, and I came back with some beautiful photos of Ty.  We put them in every room and they have changed Lou's mood entirely.  It helps both of us feel better.  Now I see his face when I walk in the door, while I’m wiping crumbs off the counters in the kitchen, and his beautiful face is next to our bed where it belongs.  We both feel so much better and we are enjoying a quiet night watching a movie.  Lou had some nice time with Gavin at the end of the day, and we enjoyed sushi delivery in our PJs.  Now we can put this day behind us. 

BLESSED WITH SIGNS
Ever since living in Long Beach, we always kept a beach bag packed with sunblock, a Frisbee, our giant blanket, stuff like that.  Yesterday we took it down to the beach for the first time since last summer, and Lou found a couple of Ty’s diapers in the pockets.  It’s just so hard!  Yet, I dread the day that these surprise reminders of Ty become less and less.  I don’t ever want to lose these little pieces of him because it’s all we have left. 

Lou and I were feeling okay, it was a beautiful day and the kids were having such a great time, but we did have our sad moments.  At one point we were standing talking with one another for a while, I looked down and I said “LOU!  DO YOU SEE THAT?”  Right in between us, in perfect condition, was one of Ty’s flowers.  When we held his memorial we had everyone place flowers on his name written in the sand.  Two months and countless trips in and out of the waves, this flower found us about 200 feet down the shore from the spot where it was originally placed.  Not only did it find us, but it was right in between us, in perfect shape.  We took it home and we can’t stop talking about how amazing it is.  My friend told me yesterday that I am blessed with signs, and she is so right about that.  If I didn’t have these signs from Ty I would be lost in my grief.  I would be completely swallowed up by the darkness.  How can I allow that when my beautiful boy sends me such beautiful things all the time?  I believe, so very much, that he is with me always. 



Again this morning, when my sister and I took the boys down to the shore in search of sea glass while we let the Daddy’s rest, Gavin was climbing the rocks on a jetty and a ladybug crawled onto his hand, then landed on my sweater and stayed with us for a long time until I placed her back on the rock.  My sister said “I think Ty is worried about you.  He is always checking up on you.”  I said, “that or he knows that I’m really worried about him and he wants me to know that he’s okay.”

My nephew witnessed the whole thing and he said to Gavin, “See, Gavin? Ty is always with you.”  In response to that, Gavin said “Ty is with all of us.  He is in our hearts.”  He is quite possibly the sweetest little boy on the planet. 

We are here for two weeks.  Still working on the Foundation remotely, but trying to get as much time in with our family and friends as possible.  Gavin has been having a great time, but every once in a while he misses his toys.  I didn’t bring any dress-up stuff, only some legos, because I didn’t want it to get out of hand.  My genius child was so mad at me, until he found a way to fix the problem on his own by wearing his superhero pajamas and using his undies as a mask.  He really knows how to keep the laughter in our lives, even when it's the last thing we feel like doing. 
 

For Lou, on Father’s Day, I am reposting a video of him and Ty that I made two years ago while sitting in a hospital room with our angel baby. 

CLICK HERE TO LAUNCH THE VIDEO

I would be remiss if I didn’t include photos of our Dad’s, too.  Ty’s Papa and Pop-Pop.  The two greatest most loving Dads we could ever ask for.  Lou and I are always so grateful for having the most loving, kind and giving parents in the world.  We look up to our Dads every day and we always will.  We are all so lucky to have you, and Ty loved you both so very much.  Big, huge, giant much. 

 
 
 
 

23 comments:

  1. oh but ty WAS holding lou's other hand...

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  2. Love you all and thinking of you-Kristine, Jordan, and Dave

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  3. Thanks for the update on your family. May your precious Ty continue to send his amazing signs to you and may they continue to bring you happiness and comfort.

    Prayers from Nebraska
    The Stewart Family

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  4. Thinking of you and your family. Glad you are enjoying long beach!!!

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  5. Cindy and Lou, I haven't said this because I never knew if it was the tight thing to say - but I never thought for one moment that Ty was not going to make it. The day I lit candles for his birthday (I posted the photo on your facebook page) I lit six, even though I knew he was going to be five. I lit six because that is how strongly your faith and your words affected me. I knew, just knew he would be celebrating his sixth birthday and all that would come after that! In hindsight, what I feel is how your incredible faith must have filled your home with a joy that Ty needed. It certainly could be felt from the words of your blog posts. I'm sure Ty felt your love and strength. What more could a little innocent boy ask for in a situation such as this. You carried his illness and passing with a faith so strong it permeated your whole world. xoxoxo

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  6. God Bless you and your family. It was touching that you said you may not have seen how sick Ty looked at times. You only saw him, your wonderful Ty and gave him all the love and opportunities possible.

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  7. hugs to Lou, you and Gavin.

    hurts so much to think of Ty and watch his video's, and see your posts and pics but I have such an attachment to all of you and it also helps to see his sweet little face too and to read of the signs he gives you always uplifts me. He is just so perfect and beautiful and his little voice so adorable, I can not wait to meet him when I get to the other side one day and just hug and squeeze him.

    Rita xoxo



    Rita xoxo

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  8. Hoping your remaining days at the beach are full of wonder and signs of Ty. Thinking of you every day.

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  9. Smiles and tears with every single post, Cindy. I am so glad for you that Ty continues to physically show you that he is right there with you all the time. The ladybugs are amazing, but the flower is just beyond words! I do not think he is worried about you at all - he now has complete knowledge of what awaits you, and he is happy - as you said, I believe that he is just letting you know that he is ok and waiting for you. Best good boy in the whole wide world.

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  10. Ty will always be in your hearts. I love the signs he sends when you need them the most. Love you guys. Kelly

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  11. I thought of you and especially Lou several times yesterday. I can't imagine how tough the day must have been for you both. I love the thought of you having pictures of Ty surrounding your daily life, although he is already so present in your hearts and minds. Still it must be comforting to see that beautiful face everywhere you look. And the signs that he is giving you all is just so amazing. I believe with all of my heart that he safe and at peace, never far from your sides. Thank you for sharing your Father's Day.

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  12. watching the dad´s day video I came to this one, which I had never seen.. I had never seen Ty on the coach,

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWK2rkj_D0E&feature=endscreen&NR=1

    It impresed me a lot... It´s diferent from reading.. I m so sorry he had to endure this, he seems in so much pain.. god bless him.

    I yesterday talked to a friend who lost her little boy when he was 4..34 years ago. She told me though the pain is always there, and she talks everyday about him, somehow and little by little time mitigates it.

    He sends signs,thats the way he tells you he is ok :)

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  13. WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for horoscopes compatibility love

    My blog post ... voyance par telephone

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  14. Thank you Cindy that in the middle of tears I burst into laughter seeing Gavin with his underwear on his head. I said it before and I will keep repeating that G-D chose him for you to keep smiling even when you want to break down and cry. Thanks Gavin you are the funniest and sweetest boy ever. And Ty, your signs give me chills and I believe that you are okay. You are alive forever, waiting to reunite with you daddy and mommy one day. Happy fathers day Lou.

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  15. Your Father's Day post was so touching. Ty was so lucky to have Lou as his daddy. The love you both have for him is so deep and beautiful. God knew that you would take such great care of him and boy was he right. I think of you guys often and hope you always feel Ty's presence with you. I'm sure he will always send you those beautiful signs! I wish you peace & happiness always!!

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  16. Yeah for signs from Ty and underwear on Gavin's head. Laughter amidst the tears. Love to all.

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  17. I got chills all over reading about the flower from Ty's memorial two months ago washing up right in front of you! OMG Cindy that is truly amazing, truly a sign from sweet Super Ty!

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  18. Im so sorry for all of your pain. I cry all the time thinking about your beautiful boy and his suffering. I am so glad he had you both as parents who kept him surrounded by nothing but love.
    He is such a powerful spirit, people all over the world fell in love with him and continue to love him and hold him in their hearts. I believe all the signs are a testament to his power. I believe that they are his way of communicating and comforting you to tell you that he is ok.
    As you lay down to sleep, hold something of his and just repeat over in your mind for him to visit you in your dreams. Keep asking over and over until you fall asleep...he will come to you :)

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  19. We have never met yet somehow I feel so close to you and your family. You're a phenomenal writer and through your words I can feel what I'm sure is only a fraction of the pain you must feel.
    I pray for your family often. May you find comfort in knowing that you will see him again and that he is in good health eternally with his Heavenly Father.
    Thank you for sharing your Ty with me.

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  20. Another holiday without Ty. I am sorry for the hurt and pain that Lou (and all of you) had to go through. Your post brought me to tears, but it warmed my heart that Ty sent you that flower. He truly does send you signs, Cindy! And I had to smile when I saw Gavin with underwear on his head :). He is such a character! May he always bring you joy to counteract the sorrow you feel in your heart.
    Thanks for sharing pictures of your Dads - you are blessed to be surrounded by such caring, loving people. Ty was blessed as well!

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  21. One of the beautiful roses we left at Ty's Celebration of life! Aw. That's a sign!! Xxoo Emily

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  22. Ty stole my heart the moment I watched the video of him asking for ice cream for breakfast (Wednesday last week on The Doctors). It was unexpected and unusual that I stayed home from work, and I am so glad I did. I met the most magnetic, beautiful, courageous, strong, loving and sweet little boy ever. I think about Ty every day and I have been reading your blog every day too. I love seeing his pictures and watching the videos you took. It saddens me that he had to go through so much, not just from the cancer itself but from the treatments too. You are amazing parents and what you have set up for Ty's legacy is terrific. Ty will continue to make a difference in this world through you. Ty has made a huge impact in many people's lives all over the world. You are so lucky to be Ty's parents and he is so lucky to have you as his parents. I use the present tense because he will always be your son and you his parents, and one day you will be together again. It makes my day to read that he sends you signs that he's near you and okay. He's so thoughtful, keeping watch over you to make sure the three of you are doing okay. Hugs from Canada. Nina

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  23. Wow the flower!! Life is a magical thing. What a trip.

    Lou, I wish you could have had a happy fathers day. Keep expecting more signs. If you are open, they will come.

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