Saturday, February 9, 2013

When I grow up, can I say sh*t?

Oh man.  I guess I curse more than I realized.  I’m always talking to myself like a delusional crazy person and don’t even know what’s coming out of my mouth.  Now I know that Gavin’s ears are always open! 

Gavin, sitting sweetly on my lap and reading a book, turned his head to look at me and softly said, “Mommy?” using his sweet, drawn out voice that is usually followed by an “I love you.”  This time, however, it was followed with, “when I’m a grown up, can I say SH*T?”  It was so unexpected, so innocent and so adorable that all I could do was giggle.  I hesitated for a second before I answered, “You know what?  Yes.  When you are grown up, you can say sh*t.  I really don’t care.  Just don’t overuse it or it will lose its significance.  But for now, when you are a little boy, you can’t say that.”  Surprisingly, he didn’t argue.  He was happy with my answer I guess.

Sometimes I get caught talking to myself or to Ty, and Gavin will say, “HUH?”  Then I have to stop myself and explain.  I say things like “don’t listen to crazy mommy.  I’m just talking to myself.”  Probably not the best explanation because this morning over breakfast I heard him say “don’t listen to your crazy Gavin” with a giggle.  Oh boy. 

I really do spend all day talking to myself and to Ty, who knows what comes flying out of my mouth.  I am not healthy.  I’m really not.  I finally went to the doctor for a physical yesterday after three years and I felt so incredibly heavy while sitting on that table.  It was as if I was just beaten down, totally deflated, and that’s the truth!  I have taken quite a beating, and I want to get better now even though I know that’s impossible. 

The interesting part of this story comes early on at my appointment.  The nurse who was taking my basics like height and weight asked me what brought me into the office.  If I had any concerns other than getting a basic physical.  I told her about the nagging cough I’ve had for over a month, then rattled off a quick “my son passed away three months ago and I am really unhealthy, that’s all.”  “I’m sorry” she said, and continued to work through the basics of my exam.  Then she asked me, “when did you say he died?”  “Three months ago.  He was five and he had cancer for a long time.”  Isn’t it amazing that this adorable woman went on to tell me that she lost a son in 2006, that she attends an amazing group in Poughkeepsie to help her cope, and she thinks it would really help me.  Others have recommended bereavement counseling to me, too, but for some reason I feel that the stars were aligned and I should actually consider looking into it.  These wounds will never heal, but I need to learn to live with the pain.  As much as I hate the idea of bereavement counseling, I don’t know why – probably because I always imagined it would be pointless because it’s not like anything can make this “better” – I think it was a sign that I need to at least give it a try. 

It was an embarrassing discussion once the doctor came in.  I explained how I think I am seriously insane.  I told the doctor how my mind is spinning and fragmented and I have completely insane thoughts running through my mind all day long.  How I talk out loud to my dead son and imagine he is sitting on the couch next to me.  I told her that I see him everywhere, and I really think it’s him.  Am I nuts? I told her about being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome over a year ago.

Let’s be honest.  I probably am totally nuts and I can prove it.  I share everything here, so please don’t judge me on what I’m about to disclose.  At my lowest, very soon after Ty died, I tried taking Ty’s leftover pain medication to somehow treat my pain.  Morphine.  Oxycodone.  Drugs my four/five year old son never should have been on.  I was in SO MUCH PAIN (still am), and I figured maybe that would help.  Well, both times I tried I puked my brains out and felt like a huge loser.  Lesson learned.  Nothing is going to take away this pain, and I deserved to be punished by being so stupid.  Messing around with that was a terrible idea, and it only left me more upset over all Ty endured.  I still have Gavin and I can't do stupid things like that.

Gavin talks about Ty just about every day.  One of today’s conversations:
ME: “Please stop climbing all over the countertops, you can fall and hurt yourself.  Remember when you fell and hurt your butt last time?”
G:  “Yeah.  If I fall again, then I’ll need a bandaid.” As he continues jumping and climbing.
“Bandaids don’t fix a broken bone.  You would need to go to the hospital.”
“OH!  CAN I SEE TY??!”
“Ty doesn’t live at the hospital anymore.  Where does Ty live, do you remember what we talked about?”
“In my heart.  Because Ty went to the hospital, and went in the rocketship, and then the rocketship taked him up to HEAVEN!!”  He’s referring to the hyperbaric oxygen chamber.  Gavin came with us a couple of times.  Don’t know why he decided that the “rocketship” took Ty to heaven, but I kinda like that :)
As always, he asked again if he could go to heaven.  I gave him the same old story.  I talked about how Ty was very sick so God let him into heaven early, but we have to wait until we are nice and old. 
“Did Ty want to go?”
“Not at first." I said.  "He got sick and God asked him if he wanted to go to heaven, and Ty said – ‘No Way!  I want to stay here with my brother because I love him so much.  I want to FIGHT!’  And he really did, remember?  He was so strong.  But Ty ended up being so sick for so long, that he finally had to leave so he could feel better and be happy again.”
“He was a fighter!” yelled Gavin, raising one arm in the air.  Just when I thought my heart couldn’t possibly grow anymore, a little bit of extra love squeezed its way in when he said that.  What a smart, beautiful kid he is.

By the way, his hair has been out of control.  Whenever we talk about a haircut, he tells me no.  He wants long hair like Thor.  LOVE HIM!  Ty would be getting SUCH A KICK out of the little boy he is becoming.   I hate so much that they can’t grow up together.  They were the best of friends.

At dinner, Gavin was talking about Ty again.  Made Lou cry, made me smile.  I was the last to sit down at the table because I had no appetite so I wasn't eating.  When I finally sat at the dinner table, which is round with four chairs, I said “I love my family.” Gavin said. “I love my family, too.  Mommy and Daddy and Gavin and Ty and he looked over at the empty chair.”  We were all thinking it, but he said it out loud.  That Ty should be sitting right there in that chair.  There’s not a meal that passes that I am not aware of Ty’s empty chair.  We’ve been taking Gavin out to dinner rather frequently, too, and still, every table is set for four.  We were never supposed to be this way.  A family of three. The empty chair and what it means never, ever escapes us.  We eat our dinner, we smile, we pretend we are a happy family, but the truth is right there in front of us every time.

Then Gavin said, “We need another person to sit in that chair for our family, now.  I know, who.  Maybe God?  What does God look like?”

The conversation went on, and I know it all stems from his confusion over what happened with Ty, who and what is this God, and where are they?  I wonder if I should consider some sort of sibling therapy for him, too. 

Last Gavin/Ty story of the night.  Sometime after dinner, Gavin had to go potty.  I still have to sit in the bathroom with him when he has to poop, and he always insists on taking off all his clothes.  He kept jumping off the potty to run around the house naked yelling “I’m Naked Boy!” until I finally screamed for him to come back or he’ll get a belly ache.  He sat down on the potty then and told me he doesn’t want to get a belly ache because then he will get a headache like Ty.  “Will I get to see God if I get a headache?” he asked.

Clearly, he’s confused and thinking about his brother all the time.  I’m not sure what to do about it. He’s so happy and doing well otherwise, but he says things like that and it just breaks my already broken heart.  I wonder if I could be doing a better job trying to explain things in a way that isn’t scary to a three-year-old.  We read books.  We talk about it all the time.  I think he is just at an age where he so wants to understand but he’s still just a little too young to grasp the concept of God and death.   My poor little man.  I hope I do a good job keeping Ty’s memory alive without overwhelming Gavin the rest of his life.  Because I will never stop talking about him.  My walls will always be covered with photos of Ty absolutely everywhere.  And although I take down and toss out some of Gavin’s artwork on the bulletin board, Ty’s will always remain. 

Before I call it a night, I want to share with your our video from sledding today so you don't worry about us too much.  We are still getting out there and having fun, I promise.  Gavin, Lou and I tried to have a family ride down the hill in front of Aunt Debi’s.  Gavin and Lou on the toboggan, me on a round sled holding on behind them.  Here’s what happened.  Be sure to keep your eye on Gavin, he was so mad!  He’s totally fine, of course.  You can find it here


  1. Oh, Cindy, your posts are so heartfelt. I look forward to them all the time. Please stop worrying, you are such a good mama. Gavin is so cute and so healthy. Of course he is confused about death and where his brother is, aren't we all??? You are managing to keep Ty's memory alive for a 3 yr old, which is so important and so amazing, yet not let it be sad. You guys are so incredible... If you think bereavement counseling will help, by all means go. It can't hurt! Of course it won't bring Ty back, but it might give you some tiny bit of peace. As always, I am in awe of you and Lou and your family. Thoughts and prayers, love and hugs always to the Campbell family. Never met you all but love you tons. You all have made this world a better place. I hope you all know what a tremendous impact you are all making on this world. There are thousands of us that are fans of yours. We love you, pray for you, think of you always, and miss Ty daily. Keep up your good work! xoxoxoxo

  2. Teehee. Love the sh$t story!

    About the bereavement group: we have those services for us at work when a patient dies that really impacted people. I have learned it is not always about going to the groups for myself. Often, it is about other people. It is not the same thing as what you are you going through. But, maybe thinking about it in that context would be a way to think differently about it.

  3. Everyone processes the loss of loved ones differently. Gavin is processing and you are allowing him and encouraging him to do so. Hang in there. The pain will never be gone, because you all will always love Ty. But it will get easier to deal with. Just take it one day at a time and one will realize that it is easier to deal with. Gavin can't help but grow up loving his brother and taking him with him.

    What a wonderful family to allow the sharing of thoughts and emotions so freely about the one who is in heaven. A good friend of mine, who is a mortician, once told me how important it is to go to the visitation and talk with the family. Let them tell the story, he said. They need to tell it over and over. This helps them move forward and heal. Well Cindy, you and Lou and Gavin continue to tell Ty's story to each other, to us who follow you via this blog, on facebook, twitter, and to the world through Ty's Foundation. Because you know what? There are people who will listen and want to hear Ty's story. Maybe, by telling the story, you won't feel so sad and empty. Ty has given us so much...I pray we can give you something back.

    Keep smiling, Cindy and Lou. Ty sees every smile and it makes him happy that you can remember him and smile. To him it is all in the blink of an eye!

  4. Oh Cindy, I eagerly wait for your post every night. I guess I feel that just hearing your words keeps Ty 's story alive for me... I don't ever want to forget or worse, get too consumed with my own busy life. I have two very young children and you help me gain perspective every single day. Thank you for sharing your amazing son, I will forever share his story.

    Ty- sweet boy, I hope you are flying high, free of pain and enjoying being a little boy. You deserve the world and I hope that is what you have!! XOXO

  5. Your video was awesome and I loved your laughter. Daily thoughts and prayers for all 3 of you. Sledding is so much fun. God Bless all of you, you 3 inspire us every day.

  6. Cindy - your reading public has already judged you a wonderful human being and mother! No one can fault you for wanting relief from the pain of losing a child which must be the most terrible pain of all. Our angels speak to us through others sometimes and I agree with you that it is no coincidence that the nurse who took your vitals recommended a bereavement group. Give it a try; you're angels are speaking to you and we all love you too!

    I lost my grandmother when I was three and I was close to her as she lived in the same house. I can tell you that I did not comprehend death at the time and worried all the time that my parents would disappear next. But then I do not recall how my parents explained it, if at all, as there was much less frank discussion a half century ago, even among adults, much less with a child of 3. But it did have an impact on me in a profound way, as the personality and assumptions of how things work are being formed at this age. I would suggest getting the help of professionals for Gavin too. There are people who deal with this all the time and know what is best for a child of three.

    Hang in there Cindy. You are an amazing woman and mom and we are all behind you and praying for you.

  7. One night, right before falling asleep, my three year old son turned to his daddy and said, "When I grow up, will you teach me how to drink beer and alcohol?" My husband, shocked, said something like "Sure." (Like many men, my husband does not tend to overthink things). My little boy said, "Thank you, Daddy," turned over and went right to sleep.
    Kids are totally into the things they aren't "allowed" to do yet.
    That one went in his baby book. Just fyi, we aren't big drinkers--only on special occasions..and my side of the family barely drinks at all.

  8. To get to know a person like urself without meeting u ever is a gift. I feel like I have known u a long time. U have an amazing family and the strength n courage to do what ur doing .....honestly cannot find the words to express...I don't understand the kind of hole in ur hearts that u..ur husband or Gavin feel but what I do understand is loss. I lost my brother Dennis almost 3 yrs ago...he died at the age of 35. I found out after he passed away he told my parents he wld never see 40. I just turned 40 a few days ago and I had to ask why I can still be here and yet my brother can't. How did he know???? But I do know that if I didn't have faith in God or believe that heaven is PARADISE than I don't know how my brother is at peace. To watch my parents suffer especially my mother is a very difficult thing to process and see. Our lives are forever changed. We have a permanent hole in our hearts. My brother suffered from depression due to 2 failed back surgeries. Percocet..xanax..soma..n ambien are a deadly mix. And after 2 yrs of suffering his body gave out. My mother tried a bereavement group n it didn't really work for her. And its taken her a long time to decide to go to therapy. Thank God for that. Every day is looked at differently for my mom because she can talk abt her feelings. U are NOT CRAZY. ur a mom who loved unconditionally and did everthing humanly possible to save ur baby. Ty is with u every min of every day and I thank u from the bottom of my heart for ur strength to write ur blogs to express very personal feelings and the pics n videos of ur family. With much love n gratitude..Danielle. (someone who understands loss as a sister who knows how precious life is....every day is a gift.) God Bless u all!!!

  9. NO ONE EVER SHOULD JUGDE A PARENT , THT HAS LOST A CHILD , AND i MEAN NOONE ! Do i think your Crazy ? NO , i think you are just a Mom , missing her Baby , you have every right to talk to yourself,cry and curse !!!!! i also lost a sister to the brutal cancer , I WATCHED HER SUFFER and die ,Im 46 yrs old and she past away 5 yrs ago , I still to this day , have a hard to coping , I cant image what Lil G man , must be thinking ? But Girl , you are my hero, curse away and stay brave and strong !!!!

  10. You are not crazy and nobody will or ever should judge you! You are a mom that lost her baby and endured so much for over 2 years! A bereavement group would help you, you would have people surrounding you that went through similar heartbreak and loss and only time will ease your pain. I think Gavin is just trying to make sense if it all, but he will be okay and he too will forever miss Ty. I was 5 years old when we lost my 5 month old sister to SIDS. I remember countless days crying, drawing pictures of cemetaries, missing was 31 years ago and I still miss her! I wonder how different life would have been if she never died. I have 2 other siblings but I still feel a piece of us missing, but we're still okay and with time our pain eases.... You will find your way and Lou too and so will Gavin and even thougg Ty is no longer here in the physical world, he will always be a part of your family!

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  12. Cindy...I think that everyone has to cope and come to where they are at in their own time...and in their own way We all have crazy moments when we do something that we wish we hadn't done but just do it to simply avoid the pain we are in...don't beat yourself up.
    I think finding other people who share your pain and have moved past it a little are going to be a good thing.
    Loved the video of sledding...the great thing about sledding and playing like that is you have to be right in that moment...
    Hope things are good today.

  13. Well as far as I'm concerned, you are far from crazy. Quite normal, in fact. Unless, of course, I'm crazy too?? lol. I have done the same things you have in trying to deal with horrors we are given in this life. I completely understand. Sometimes the pain is just too much to bare. I'm glad you are done trying it out though :) I love coming here. I now know I don't have the only child who insists on being naked for poopie time. Just yesterday, as my 3 year old stripped down to do her business, my 14 yr old passed by the bathroom and I said, "can you imagine her in preschool, in a stall, all her clothes on the floor and another kid walks in?? They are gonna wonder what the hell is going on in there!" three year olds are so funny. I don't think the questioning ever stops during this age. I think you are doing a great job with Gavin. What an awesome reason to never give up. To get up every day for. He's such a cutie and he'll be just as cute with his Thor hair :) I just ordered my very own Ty shirt and cannot wait for it arrive! I will wear it so proudly and hope that all who see it ask me who he is and go to the site. I will be ordering more very soon. The whole family will be rockin Ty shirts!! Take care of yourself, Cindy, you have 2 amazing people at your dinner table and one, always there even, if you can't see him. God Bless from Upland, Cali :)

  14. You are being a great mom. You are doing so well. To you it seems nothing, but you are amazing. You don't forget Ty and at the same time remember Gavin. All that even though it would be totally understandable if you broke down. But you don't because you're a fighter.
    You think you're insane, that is not true either. Or let me put it like this: Tell me one person that isn't insane. We all are.
    You are amazing, and Gavin is so cute. You're so strong, so so strong.

  15. No one can Judge you. No one has ever lost Ty, besides Lou. They May have lost children, their children, but not Ty. However they are not the ones that would judge you anyway. You are Cindy Campbell who lost your son Ty Campbell. No one has ever been in your position. So therefore no one has any right at all to judge. You are amazing. Brutally raw and honest. We are so thankful for you, for your story. For Ty♡ love Geraldine

  16. No one can Judge you. No one has ever lost Ty, besides Lou. They May have lost children, their children, but not Ty. However they are not the ones that would judge you anyway. You are Cindy Campbell who lost your son Ty Campbell. No one has ever been in your position. So therefore no one has any right at all to judge. You are amazing. Brutally raw and honest. We are so thankful for you, for your story. For Ty♡ love Geraldine

  17. YOU ARE NOT NUTS OR CRAZY!! You have been to HELL AND BACK and are still going! I would've been on massive drugs and I don't even drink!! Maybe the signs are telling you to go to therapy.. What do you have to lose? Maybe they can give you advice with Gavin, whether to send him or not.. The video is PRICELESS.. I would've laughed hysterically too!!! Keeping you in my prayers!'

    Love Gabrielle

  18. Love the video! Gavin is getting so big. Its funny that you say he has to take all this clothes off when he 6 yr old son does the same thing. Its funny.
    A little story: Last Fri, I lost my 31 yr old newphew to an aneurysm. My sister went to his apt and found him dead in his bed. Its been a terrible week. He was like another son to me. When he was little I babysat him, took him out to eat, WW wrestling shows, and just hung with him allot. The world feels so empty now that he's gone, and I am just sooo soo sad. I've never felt this kinda sadness. He was just taken to soon. I try to convince myself that he's in a better place and that he's also with my dad (whom I lost in aug 08) I just can't believe I am never going to see him again, or hear his voice. I cry all the time, and feel like its been a week long nightmare, and that I'll wake to find it all been a bad bad dream. I've been following your posts, but now that this has happened to our family, I feel like I understand, more so, the pain your going thru. Cindy, we have to keep the faith in knowing they are in a better place...a place more beautiful then we can ever imagine...a place where love is so strong....we just have to believe. Prayers forever. Betty Warren. Beacon, NY

  19. I love your new website! It is amazing!! I am sure Ty is so proud of everything you are doing in his honor & memory and all you are doing to help other sick children!!! As blessed as you were to have Ty, he was equally blessed to have you!!!! You are the true definition of what a mother should be :))

  20. Cindy - Crazy you simply are not. You are learning to handle the deck of cards you have been played and they simply suck. Grieving is a process and each has their own way. I hope to someday meet you as I could tell you my story that would enable you to never question where you are crazy again. I lost babies and I was given books about losing a child and an infant and all I can say is I was angry. I was angry that I had to get the books, angry that the books had to even be written to be given, I felt abandoned, cheated, lower than dirt and the pain was raw and hurt my entire body. I will tell you I truly would have sold my sole and still would for those babies. YOU are not crazy. I am the girl that walked into church, looked up at that beautiful cross and let it rip with words. Yep, right there in church in the middle of the day. The fact you question whether you are crazy makes you sane. By the way, it took me six years of hurting to finally read one of those books. In hindsight, I wish I would have done it sooner. Also I will still walk a mile the other way to avoid a pregnant person. Thus, all that makes me the crazy one. I guess I felt my pain was my punishment. Don't miss life, go to the group, Ty would want you to. Keep finding your giggle. Also, don't worry about Gavin, my five year old still has to be completely (not even socks can be on) to do his business as well. Still waiting for that phone call from school!

  21. Cindy you are far from crazy but if crazy is what you feel that is normal . You have been the greatest inspiration to so many no one could or should judge you . You keep speaking your mind it helps you and so many . Thank you
    My youngest turned 7 today and he still likes me to stay with him when he poops . It's a boy thing I guess got to love it .
    Keep the faith

  22. Your video was amazing. I went sledding with my boys today and we had so much fun. You are the most sane person Cindy. I don't know how you just don't break down and cry and scream all day long. Empty chair? It says it all. But Gavin's need to fill it means so much. I say it again and again that he will make the best big brother. He was little brother to Ty and now he needs to maybe be a big brother. I was thinking maybe a dog for now, so he could have a buddy. Cindy, did I say it before that I admire you so much. I still don't believe that Ty is not here. I wish I could have changed that. I miss you baby boy. You are a fighter!

  23. I've never commented, but feel complelled to after this post. First and foremost, the sh!t story is priceless and hilarious and gave me a much needed chuckle (and gave me some good pointers for what to do when my son eventually asks me the same thing).

    Second, anyone who would judge you for anything you do would only do that because they can't possibly imagine how you feel, and thank goodness for that because I wouldn't wish anything like this kind of grief or pain on anyone. But, in my experience, grief causes a very real, intense, physical pain. Desperately searching for something, anything to dull the pain is a natural reaction, even if deep down you know what you've chosen is not healthy or sane. Grief and insantiy are somewhat synonymous, I think. I would never dream of judging you nor should anyone else.

    Third, I am also a grief endurer. Please don't be hesitant to reach out to a grief counselor for you, Lou, or Gavin. I lasted just under 4 months after my grief-inducing event before I was completely insane and realized that I was not going to be able to function in any sort of acceptible manner unless I got some help. I had never been to a counselor before and was very resistant at first, but my ability to be the kind of wife and mother I wanted to be was suffering because I was suffering and needed help. It has been one of the best decisions I've made during this process. I know I will never heal from this, I know I will always be different, but having a safe place to talk, scream, cry, and whatever-I-felt-like-doing-at-any-given-moment has been, well, therapeutic (ha!). It really has been so helpful. I know I would not have survived the last 18 months of my new life without it. My counselor certainly can't change what happened, but she can help me change the way I think about things. It's been completely invaluable to me. You, of course, know yourself better than I ever could, this is just my experience (enter medical disclaimer here).

    Last but not least... to you and previous poster, BlessedMom, I was a first/second grade teacher for 12 years in my former life.. I had lots of kids (boys especially!) get completely naked to do #2. Though once, when I was fresh out of college, young, and inexperienced, I always wondered why it took Derek (not his real name :)) FOREVER to get out of the bathroom at every single bathroom break.. well, I went stomping into the bathrooom one day only to see some bare feet under the stall along with a pile of clothes on the floor. Being young and inexperienced, I freaked out a little had to call his mom after school. She was a little embarrassed but we were at least able to giggle about it. She said he did it at home all the time and she often wondered if he did it at school, too. Well, in the 11 years that followed that first naked-boy-pooping-in-the-bathroom experience, I had at least one (that I know about, I'm sure there were more who just got dressed faster and I never noticed) every year who had to be naked in order to handle his business. Ha! Oh, and my husband is 38 and I've caught him on occassion... luckily never in public :) Boys will be boys... always want to be naked. It's clearly in their genes.

  24. Oh Cindy,
    I am so glad you saw a dr. for yourself and maybe will find some help with the group you were told about,I don't think it would hurt to try it out.I am so sorry you felt ypou needed to try Ty's meds to releave your pain but don't be ashamed,I think it is a normal reaction. I am glad it didn't work really,so it didn't become something you do. Always remember how much the rest of your family needs you and how proud Ty is of you and all you are doing in his honor.Gavin is lucky to have the crazy mommy he does and I think you are doing a great job explaining things to him, but you may be on the right track to see about sibling couseling for him,they may be able to help you help him more. I am a believer in all the support you can get,just to help get thru the day to day challenges you are all facing since Ty's death.I have a friend who lost a daughter and another who lost a son,thier children were older but the pain is the same and the groups do help them cope.And I do think this blog is also a great coping tool for you,you can say how you feel and what you are thinking and just get things out there,it helps! Please seek whatever is available to you to help you and your family. And know that we are all behind you and praying for you all always....Jean <3

  25. Oh Cindy don't worry about what other people think. You have gone through a traumatic experience and you don't have to try and be tough on your own! I guarantee therapy will help. Hang in there.

    P.S The new foundation website is absolutely amazing! You should be very proud of yourself for putting this all together in such a short time span! We all love you and support you no matter what :)

  26. Cindy- you are not crazy... just in love and missing your sweet boy. Because you say the blog is therapeutic for you, maybe counseling would be too? If nothing else just to tell someone the things you are already saying. I know it can't fix the black hole, but anything to try and take care of you might be worth a try :)

  27. That video was absolutely hysterical! I had a good laugh at my desk watching it :) Cindy, you're not crazy, you are reacting the way any mother would. You miss and love your little boy and you always will, nothing will change that. Maybe counseling would help you. You're such an amazing writer that I feel your every emotion through your blogs, sharing these thoughts with a therapist could only help. Give it a go, if you find you're not getting anything from it, then stop, but at least try :)

  28. You have earned the right to call yourself whatever you wish. However, how those who have followed your and Ty's journey see you as someone who has handled a torturous situation with faith, integrity and dignity.

    I also hope to put your mind at ease, concerning the pain medication, it can make you very nauseated. It did me, but anti-nausea medicine worked miracles. I am sure Ty was also given that. Please don't let that weigh on you.

  29. I know Ty would have done great things, but I bet his little brother Gavin will do amazing things in his honor. Plus he has the angel force of Ty behind him no matter what. You and Lou are such amazing parents, I cant wait to see what this little guy becomes.

  30. Tears are steaming down my cheeks. Hugs from Fishkill.

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