Friday, February 22, 2013

The love of my life, indeed


I am doing better the past couple of days.  Very, very busy trying to get The Muddy Puddles Project ready for a Spring launch, but all of that is good and exciting and very rewarding because it is all for Ty.  There are so many people, all of you, who have gotten behind this cause because you have been touched by my angel baby, and that makes my life that much better despite it all.  How can I look at his pictures and not smile along with him.  I cry and ache and long for him, but I smile, too, because he was that special. 


I don't have a lot of time for a detailed update tonight because it's so late, but I do want to share with you one short story that is weighing on me. 

At five in the morning, Gavin woke me so I could pull him into my bed.  He does this at some point every single night because it is too high for him to climb up on his own.  It has become such a routine, I usually don't even know what time he comes in and sometimes wake up with no recollection of pulling him up at all.  But there he is, every morning, and I relish in his warmth.  He isn't a snuggler like Ty - instead he squirms and kicks and makes it hard to sleep, but I still love having him there, in the same spot where Ty used to sleep.  It makes me feel a lot more comfort than our scratchy little "Ty Doll" provides.  Besides, sleeping with a doll to make pretend my son is still with me makes me feel a little sad and desperate (don't get me wrong, I still do it every night when falling asleep).  Waking up next to Gavin is a reminder every morning of why I have to get out of bed and make the most out of my life in honor of the best good boy in the whole wide world. 

When Gavin came in this morning, however, it was different because he was awake.  He woke me up talking to me and crying.  He asked me, "can we go to heaven now?" 
me:  "What do you mean?  Why are you asking me that?"
G:  "NO!!  Just say we can go to heaven now!!" Crying.  Only half awake.  Yelling at me. 
me:  "Baby, we can't go to heaven right now, but some day..."
G:  <interrupting me> "Just say yes. You say it.  Say we can go to heaven now!!!"  Yelling even louder.
me:  "Okay, we can go to heaven now."
G: "Can we go to heaven now?"
me:  Yes, we can go to heaven now."

He went right back to sleep after that and we haven't talked about it since.  He must have been dreaming, and sad, and I just wish there was something I could do.  Poor Gavin has so many questions, and he doesn't accept my explanations easily like Ty always did.  He can't just smile and "get it" when I tell him that Ty is in our hearts.  He has a very literal understanding of that.  He also asks me about God's house all the time.  What does it look like?  What does God look like?  He is trying so hard to have a visual understanding of where Ty is.  This has resulted in Gavin becoming more curious, in general, about how everyone lives and what everyone's "house" looks like.  I am confident that this is all just a normal and healthy way of him processing all he has been through, but that rationale can't stop me from being sad for Gavin and all he is dealing with in that poor, confused, "big-boy" head of his.  When he has a sniffle, he also tells me he's sick and asks me if God is going to take him to heaven now.  Poor baby.  He shouldn't have to worry about that.  It breaks my heart. 

Then I come out from the bathroom to find him watching TV like this, and I realize he is going to be just fine, right? :) 



So, I have been having an extra hard time lately because I haven't really had any significant signs from Ty.  All week I would think I saw a hawk overhead, and then exhale in disappointment realizing it was a turkey vulture.  No ladybugs.  Nothing.  Then yesterday I was sitting at the kitchen table working on foundation stuff while Gavin was sitting quietly in the den watching a movie.  I didn't move.  Nothing shook the house in any way.  But out of the clear blue, I heard a loud noise and turned to see that a magnet had fallen off the fridge  It was the very first magnet Ty had ever made.  He brought it home from preschool and it has been on our fridge for years.  Not only did it drop. but it landed really far from the fridge upside down so I could see his name written on back.  It didn't break.  I hung it back up and when I did I looked to see if anything else on the fridge had shifted that would cause this magnet to fall.  Nothing that I could see, anyway. 


I truly take that as a sign from Ty.  He is with me, always (except, I hope, for when he is off having lots of fun with his friends). 

Before I sign off, I want to share this with you.  It is very serious and very scary.  There is a chance that the government budget cuts - to be decided on in March - will greatly affect funding to the National Cancer Institute (NCI).  The NCI is what drives the Children's Oncology Group which is the largest team of childhood cancer researchers in the country.  If this happens, studies that are showing progress today will be put on hold.  Future research projects that are already grossly underfunded will not get funded at all.  More children who are holding onto hope for new treatments will die before those treatments ever become available.  Please take the time to click on this link, read more about it, then enter your zip code to send a note to your local congressperson.  It is so easy.  Our friends at St. Baldrick's have done all of the work - you don't even have to write a word.  Please do this. 
https://stbaldricks.capwiz.com/stbaldricks/issues/alert/?alertid=61990546

Goodnight and thank you.  Always begging Ty to visit me in my dreams.  I can't wait for the day he does. 

26 comments:

  1. HI Cindy, Oh my goodness he will come into your dreams soon I promise. By the way I will do and have done anything I can to support pediatric cancer in Tys honor. I am one of the lucky ones.. I was able to see those beautiful eyes back this summer. Lov, Emily

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have no words today because Gavin conversation just made me cry quietly. I am so sad for him. I am so sad that Ty a smiling baby boy isn't physically here. Oh Gavin I understand you completely. I would want to go to Heaven NOW!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The picture of Gavin upside down watching TV made me laugh out loud...I hope he will be ok.
    Just sent letters to my congress person.
    Cindy,
    I wanted to write you the other day to tell you this but I thought you might think I was crazy. I was downloading pictures from my IPhone to my computer because I had like 1,800 and my phone had almost no space left on it. As I was doing it one picture popped up and just stayed on the screen. It was that picture of Ty with his arm reaching out for you while on the carousel. I had that picture on my phone because I had posted it on Twitter while trying to get Roger Goodell to go gold for the Superbowl. (Still haven't given that up..trying for next year.) Whenever I download pictures to my computer all the pictures pop up for a second and then go away as it's downloading and in order from older pictures to newer ones.
    This time though it was only Ty's picture that popped up and it just stayed there the whole time....I just felt like it meant something. Not sure what but I wanted to tell you.
    Wishing you Ty dreams......
    Jody

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for sharing. Gavin seems so funny but poor buddy....I am sure he misses Ty so much. I hope they don't cut the budget, it wouldn't make sense. I read the FDA just approved another drug for advanced breast cancer and while that's great, I don't understand it. Children need better treatment....and cancer has to quit taking so many children's lives.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cindy, I sent the letter. Hugs and prayers for the Campbell family everyday.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I sent the letter also! I will post on Facebook so friends can do the same. Love the sign from Ty, you just have to believe! Ty cannot speak to you but what better way than for him to shout his name out with his magnet falling and landing face up with TY showing, love it, keep em coming Ty! I just adore Gaga too, oh is he the funniest boy ever. Between his superhero suits and the things he does, he is such a sweet character. Love you Campbell's! Missing and loving you sweet Ty!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Cindy, yesterday morning I finally worked up the courage to watch the video that you posted in your last entry. And yes, I admit, I was a big chicken to watch it because, having never met Ty in person, I just knew that hearing his voice and seeing him moving and laughing would make me fall even more in love with him and break my heart again that he is no longer here. It's really kind of dumb how scared I was to watch it. But I did finally watch it yesterday morning. And I did fall in love with him even more and my heart did break all over again. I cried at the unfairness and sadness that he is no longer here, at the thought of what he must have gone through, at the cruelty of it all. But I smiled and laughed along with him at the same time. I don't know how he can make me do that? It's exactly as you said...he was that special. He IS that special. He continues to change my life.
    Oh Gavin, my heart aches for him. I hope Ty finds a way to comfort him and bring him peace and understanding through all of this. My thoughts and prayers to you all always. -Kasey Diotte

    ReplyDelete
  8. First off that Picture of Gavin, cracked me up! Sooo funny and adorable!!!!! :) Ty must have been visiting you all, maybe he came to Gavin in his sleep and told him to ask you if he could come play with him for a bit! and the magnet was definitely a sign to you from Ty, letting you know he was there! So amazing!!! As soon as I post this, I'll be clicking on that link and sending a letter! You are making a difference Cindy, You are changing the lives of so many! :) Always thinking of your family and one of these nights TY will visit you in your dreams!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. The message from the fortune cookie says it all!!!! That's a keeper!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Cindy you can count on me to write my letter! Iam a mother of two and stand up to cancer...especially for Ty- always. I will be participating St.Baldricks on March 23 mahopac. Love prayers and support. Eva

    ReplyDelete
  11. Email sent for sure! I added many of my personal comments to boot!
    Chris, NY

    ReplyDelete
  12. is there a way to post this site on FB, so it can be generated ALL AROUND ?

    ReplyDelete
  13. I just sent the email to my state senators! I know we can all help make a difference on this! I am always thinking of you Ty and your family! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Cindy- Just sent the e-mail to the state senators. Will help in any way I can to support your cause. Thinking of Ty and all of you every day. Ty will visit you in your dreams...i just feel it in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  15. awww, Gavin is so sweet. But he will be OK because he has the most amazing parents in the world!! Seriously you guys are awesome and I admire you so much! Maybe the hospice has counseling for siblings?? I know he is young but it can't hurt? Play therapy can help him get his confusion out... (I'm a therapist)As always, thinking of and praying for your amazing family. Don't know you all personally but love you all nonetheless

    ReplyDelete
  16. My coder is trying to persuade me to move to .net from
    PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs.
    But he's tryiong none the less. I've been using WordPress on several websites for
    about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform.
    I have heard very good things about blogengine.
    net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress content into it?
    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Also visit my site vera wang wedding shoes

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was super long)
    so I guess I'll just sum it up what I had written and say, I'm
    thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog writer but I'm still new to the whole thing. Do you have any suggestions for beginner blog writers? I'd genuinely appreciate it.


    My blog post; huggies printable coupons

    ReplyDelete
  18. It's a shame you don't have a donate button! I'd certainly donate to this brilliant blog! I suppose for now i'll settle for book-marking
    and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will share
    this blog with my Facebook group. Chat soon!

    Here is my website :: diaper sizes

    ReplyDelete
  19. Gavin is gorgeous cindy...love the picture of him watching the tube like that! Awesome!!!
    SuZanne B.
    Westchester, NY

    ReplyDelete
  20. Heya i'm for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you aided me.

    Check out my page; page
    My webpage - use this link

    ReplyDelete
  21. I've sent the emails out to our congressmen and have received responses. The words I added to the already great email,came so easy. I spoke as a mother. A mother fighting for her child's right to the best, most humane cancer treatment possible. That shouldn't be too much to ask and certainly not an area that ANY cuts should be made. What a joke!!! I will keep emailing everyone and anyone that can make a difference. Superty Forever

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hi to every , as I am in fact keen of reading this weblog's post to be updated regularly. It contains pleasant information.

    My web blog healthy diet plans

    ReplyDelete