I've stated many times before that the concept of false hope is an oxymoron. I know that there are people who will read my words and think I'm fooling myself. Just as I know there were people who expected Ty to die from the day they heard about his diagnosis. But I don't believe in false hope. Either you have hope or you don't. And when you're in a desperate situation, why wouldn't you choose hope over despair? So, through all of this, I've chosen hope and faith. And I have no regrets.
The idea of accepting the inevitable will never make it easier, either. I always knew Ty dying was a possibility, but I think if I started trying to accept it earlier, it would have affected our incredible relationship while he was still here with me. He was alive and right there in front of me, how would I be able to be the mom he needs me to be if I was busy learning to accept the idea that he might die soon. Instead, I cheered him on every step of the way. I did my own research late into the night. I tried new things to keep him stimulated. I told him I loved him and I talked to him about getting better constantly. It made him happy and proud. Remember the video I posted of him kicking the back seat of my car! Miraculous! That Ty was amazing. That happened just before the cancer returned again. It seemed to always happen that way for poor Ty. Every time he began to see progress... to take even one baby step forward... cancer knocked him back even farther. What a putrid, disgusting disease to go after children like that. Look at him trying so hard to do art again. He is amazing. Makes me so angry that this disease caused him so much hurt.
Still, my hope was unwavering. It IS unwavering to this day. I read a blog post from a mom who lost here baby to AT/RT (like Ty) just the other day. She was much younger, not even one year old. But she wrote about how both she and her husband had a premonition on the morning she passed, and how they dared not speak of it lest it come true. However, by 3 o'clock she knew, without a doubt, and busied herself to pretend she didn't know, an involuntary decision she hopes she doesn't live to regret (she won't). But she knew I was there.
Do you remember how I did the same thing? I woke up and got a cup of coffee. Looking out the window I said to my mother, "I think he's gonna die today." I busied myself around the house so I could avoid having a breakdown in front of Ty. I didn't want to scare him. And, I still had hope! I hoped that if he could make it to the prayer chain that was arranged for 7PM maybe he would experience a healing miracle. Instead, a very different miracle occurred at 2PM, and it was beautiful and peaceful and my hope only transferred from one where I focused on healing, to one where I focused on freedom, heaven and happiness. It went beyond the skin I am in. Hope is a powerful and magical thing.
Here is the magic truth according to me :) There are times where I have felt Ty's presence stronger in his absence, and there were times when he was here with me, but he wasn't present. He was off in thought, flying with his angels and figuring out how all of this works. I have seen him absent from his body. It was fleeting, but it used to happen. I like to believe he knew something more than the rest of us. Now that he's really gone, I can truly feel his embrace in every gentle breeze. I feel the warmth of his cheek against mine when a shaft of light catches my face. I see him waving in the twinkle of a star and I know his ladybugs are intentional to tell me that he's okay, just as a falling leaf whispers "I am here." Never stop believing that.
I have my bad days. Always. Today was pretty bad for both Lou and I. I woke up grouchy and had a bitter drive into work. I accomplished a lot keeping busy there, but when I went to pick up Gavin at Nana's house I nearly shattered into a million pieces. I could hear his voice calling for "NaNa" like he used to. I would see him asking Papa to play all of his silly musical toys up on the shelf. The worst was when Gavin was looking for his "brag book'. Like any great nana, she has a brag book out for each of her grandchildren filled with photos. Gavin grabbed Ty's at first, but I corrected him and gave him his. Hot lava - phew - I got that back on the table without opening a page. Then Gavin thumbed through his pictures of how he's grown up over the past three years and I noticed all of the empty pages left behind - to be filled as he continues growing. Nana told me how my niece Deanna's book is almost full, just enough pages left to make it to her sweet sixteen. I wondered if she left empty pages in Ty's book or if she just filled it up, but I couldn't ask her through my tears. Why make her all upset anyway, we were having such a nice night.
Okay enough about that... I have some asks for you all.
I want to share Ty's story with the big leagues. Can you help me? Will you nominate me as an "unstoppable mom" in this Kelly and Michael contest?? PLEASE???? (link below)
The four finalists will appear on the show and I will get to talk about Ty while raising awareness for Childhood Cancer. This would be a dream come true in helping me accomplish all that I want to do for Ty. Any monetary reward would obviously go directly toward my unstoppable cause :)
Unfortunately, it asks for a lot of personal information. I decided to use the business address and phone number, please use your own cell as an alternative. If you must put my birthday, see if October 1975 will suffice. Below is the rest of the information you need. Then you'll have 2000 words to tell them about why I am an unstoppable mom! Won't you plese do this for me and for Ty? It's not it in for fame (argh - not at all) it's for bringing Ty's foundation to the next level. PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK TOO!!
Thanks to all of you who have already sent in a nomination. This is one of the most important asks I have of you http://unstoppablemoms.livekellyandmichael.com/home You will have to register yourself, then find the contest on the Kelly and Michael page, fill out another form to nominate me, and include up to 2,000 words about why. Yesterday was three months since Ty's been gone. It feels like 3 years. In just three months, I am so proud of how much we have accomplished. Unstoppable is an understatement thanks to all of you!!
Use this information on the form (office address and phone)
91 Gleneida Avenue
Carmel, NY 10512
Birthday October 1975
Here's a couple of photos for uploading, too. Hope they work :)