Sunday, December 30, 2012

Missing my baggage

I was the first to fall asleep tonight, yet here I am, writing, trying to soothe me back to sleep by getting some thoughts on virtual paper instead of leaving them all swimming around up in this crazy head.

Lou always used to put Ty to bed.  Even before he got sick, that was his alone time with Ty after work and it was great for me so I could do the dishes, straighten up and care for baby Ga-Ga.  Since Ty passed away, he has been putting Gavin to bed and I love it.  I'm glad they have that time, and I'm glad for the peace and quiet I have during that time, too.  The only bad think is that Lou falls asleep in Gavin's bed almost every night.  When I try to wake him he is so disoriented he often goes straight to bed.  Tonight I had to put Gavin to bed while Lou was out dealing with all this snow, and I did the same thing.  He found me snoozing in the bunk bed at 9:30PM and it was glorious.  I told him I wanted to go straight to bed, but decided to wait for him for 30 minutes or so so he could join me. 

Lou was looking at a photo book of Ty.  He started crying before we even went up to bed.  Then I started telling him about how much cleaning and organizing I accomplished today in order to collect items for the charity drive at Mizzentop Day school (proceeds benefit Ty's foundation, see www.facebook.com/thelittlefighter).  I have nine contractor bags filled with clothes, toys and household items! Anyway, that resulted in both of us crying over how hard it is to go into Ty's "secret game closet" and get rid of some of his games... or his trunk... or his closet... and I did it all today.  The hardest giveaway is the double stroller that we used in Long Beach.  It's bleached by the sun and squeaky from the salt water but still works well.  It represents the best times of our lives, but we don't need it anymore because the best times of our lives are behind us.  How sad is that?  Lou emptied out the compartments (wipes, diapers, extra shoes, old juice boxes, oh... and the ever-present puke bucket).  Sadly, we are going to get rid of it. 

We went up to bed, my eyes were so heavy, but laying there I just couldn't stop my mind from racing.  This is what happens!  I was thinking about all of the littlest cancer victims like Tanner and Ronan and Ty.  I was thinking about how amazing Grace is, and how I wished she and Ty became friends like I imagined when we all first met (Grace is kicking butt, go Grace!).  I was thinking about Mighty Mikey and his family - I hope Christmas in their new home was a happy one despite all that Hurricane Sandy took away from them.  Most of all, I was thinking about Ty and how all I want to do is just talk to him.  I want to hear his voice.  I want him to hear me ask, "how are you?" and I want him to tell me that he is "Amazing!  Having so much fun!  So happy!" 

"Do you see me, Ty?"  I want him to answer me.  "Are you okay without me?  Who is with you, who are your friends?"  I want to know all about everything.  He is my son.  If he were here I would know where he was every second, and it is so hard to come to terms with simply not knowing exactly what's going on or how it all works or where - exactly - is he.  I have unwavering faith, but that can't stop me from wanting to hear his voice and have a conversation with him.  I want to feel his warm body in my arms.  So much so, that I went and carried Gavin back into my bed to see if that would help me sleep, but it didn't work.  I remembered carrying Ty like that - but he was so much lighter!   Gavin is a moose.  I went and got him because he was sitting up and crying in his sleep.  I asked him gently "what's wrong? why are you crying?" and he answered "because I love to dress up like...." and with that he went back down and was fast asleep.  I'm pretty sure I could finish that sentence.... Spiderman.  Wow.  He even dreams about superheroes.

Thursday I dropped off our beloved Mely at the airport.  I was gone all day.  I wanted to be with her every step of the way and I'm so glad I was.  I felt like I was saying goodbye to my younger sister, and that her whole life was about to change.  I don't know where it's going, but she is at a point in her life, 23 years old, where big decisions will be made and her course in life will begin to take shape.  I wish for her a life filled with the greatest love and the greatest fortune.  She was a true blessing to our family, an angel from heaven, and I just know that Ty will make sure she is taken care of.  She sacrificed so much for my family and she loved my children like I love them.  I am happy and excited for her to grab hold of her life and move forward now.  She will do great things. 

But, of course, that leaves me, Lou and Gavin even more alone.  My house is even more empty.  When I was walking back to my car at the airport, tears in my eyes (of course) I couldn't shake this feeling like I forgot something.  I kept checking and thinking that maybe Mely had taken one of my bags on accident or something.  Then I realized that it was just that "empty arms" feeling that I have to get accustomed to.  I miss my baggage.  Carrying Ty around in my arms with Mely always over my shoulder.  Now who will harass me and tease me and make me do silly things all the time?  Gavin has two pairs of very big shoes to fill.  One gift that she left me (among many) is a file full of new photos of Ty and Gavin.  YAY!!!!  Best present ever. 

Here are a couple from the night we went on the "Polar Express" train ride out of Essex CT last year.  Ty LOVED it.  My happy boy, just look at those smiles.  The holidays last year were truly the best. 


33 comments:

  1. Cindy

    I love your posts. To me you are such an amazing person. The way you care for others in the midst of all of this is amazing. You are an inspiration,

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  2. I just love you!!!

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  3. I just found your blog and I am crying my eyes out. I can't even imagine the pain you are in. I think you are amazing. Reading through your posts, just breaks my heart. I have 4 kids and do so many of the same things you do with your babies. I connected to your family instantly! I pray for some peace in all of your hearts. One of the connections, ladybugs! All of my family has experienced ladybug visits ever since my grandma passed away. Random times, special events. We whole heartedly believe she is sending us a message that she is with us and things will be OK. She also smiled the biggest smile after she passed as we all held and hugged her. I will carry Ty with me daily, and smile, and appreciate every moment. I will carry your family in my heart daily, and pray for your Peace. God Bless You! You are an amazing mother and you were so lucky to have each other.

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  4. I am so sorry that Mely just now had to leave as you already have to deal with Ty's loss :-(
    Hugs,
    Joy

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  5. I pray 2013 will bring you peace and comfort and blessings that will somehow matter in this different life you've been forced to live. You are such an inspiration even in your darkest grief. I have followed you from the beginning and I have wept rivers of tears hoping that somehow my desperate prayers and pleas will somehow bring you some measure of comfort. But today, I have to tell you, I laughed out loud about Gavin's dream. Just precious. Sweet Ty-filled dreams Cindy.

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  6. Keep the faith Cindy. Your such a giver. We are all so proud of you. It's quite a pleasure to have been able to get to know you guys through this blog. I do so look forward to these posts, its how I check up on you guys,It seems like you're doing OK. I do find your strength amazing, I don't know how you do it.
    I hope this new year brings you great things. Peace, Happyness, and some "smiles" of your own. Mostly though a CURE.
    You deserve it.

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  7. cancer f@$$ing sucks. I wish you had your awesome baggage with you. of course you are always going to worry where he is because you will always be Ty's mom and that is what we mothers do.worry, worry..it just breaks my heart of your worry and the unknown.that would drive me batshit crazy. So from your one of your recent post of the crazy lady ,this crazy lady says to just try to make it through until the next day.can we mail things to you for the gently used store for the Ty foundation?.
    Xoxo

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  8. Please dont take offense and I dont know where this sits with your faith but, have you ever heard of Teresa Caputto from long island? I know a few people that have had sessions with this medium and it was amazing...maybe to answer some of your questions. Never the less you still amaze me with your gracefulness and the unconditional love you have in your heart. God Bless your family and like always Ty will always and forever be in my heart. Prayers of faith,hope,and love.

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    Replies
    1. I was thinking the same thing and I am Catholic. Cindy, if you want to do this maybe we could all launch a letter writing campaign to Teresa Capputo and raise $$ for a reading. No offense intended.

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    2. I also thought of Teresa when Cindy wrote about wanting to know where Ty was and what he was doing. To be honest I have thought of Teresa contacting Cindy since Ty crossed over....how can we make it happen?

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  9. Cindy the comment above is not from me, but so funny that the person and I have the same idea! I look forward to ur blog and to release my tears for you! I pray Ty comes in ur dreams and as much as we don't know where we go, I believe he is right there! Happy with all the kids who left too too soon!
    Love kristi conroy Garcia

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  10. Cindy
    Your family is always in our prayers. We had many thoughts of Ty over this holiday season. We also has a few visits from ladybugs that made us smile and know Ty is with all of us! Our elf on the shelf held a candle and a blue lollipop...the kids right away said wow he knows Ty!. He also took to the top of our tree on Christmas eve right next to a blue candy cane,gold Christmas balls and gold snow flakes! Ty will be in our hearts forever and so will all of you xoxo my wish for you is peace and healing in the year ahead.I know how hard it must have been to pack up Ty's things but it will help to make the foundation stronger and as the foundation grows stronger so will your family. I already think your the strongest people your just amazing-All our love
    Rachael, Mike, Mikey,and Stevie

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  11. Cindy, I debated posting a comment about my experience the other day. Mainly, because it makes me sound like a complete and utter lunatic. But oh well, here it goes. Mind you, I'm fighting a cold and this all may be evil side affects of Alka-Seltzer plus. The other day I was out to lunch with my husband and two boys, ages 3 and 1. We were at Pasta House and after we finally settled down at our table I was looking over the menu. My oldest son was laughing and carrying on and when I looked up at him I saw Ty. I blinked several times because I thought I was loosing it. I kept seeing Ty. Just laughing and having a good ol' time. Then I looked over to my youngest and saw Gavin. Ty and Gavin were laughing and carrying on as two brothers do. It made me smile. Like I knew that Ty was okay. It only lasted for a 5 seconds or so. It was the strangest, but coolest thing. Again, I don't want to upset you by this and I swear I'm a normal mother of two who is, for the most part, a sane person. It was just so real to me. He looked amazing and he looked happy. It doesn't make things any easier as he should be with you, Lou and Gavin. Thinking of you guys...

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  12. I cannot say I know how you feel but please know that you have friends that are always praying for you and your family. Things of course are very difficult and all I can ask God for is to help you heal and bring you comfort. Ty is with our heavenly Father in heaven and I'm sure he has alot of friends and is having fun. You and Lou are the strongest people I know and I know deep inside you will be fine. Gavin will grow up to know the impact his brother made to so many people and he will continue to bring awareness and speak aboutTy. As a new year nears...May God have you in his arms and bring you peace and love to you and your whole family. God Bless you always.

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  13. Cindy,
    You are one amazing woman! Your ability to articulate such true, raw and heartfelt emotion is such a gift to all of us faithful readers and friends (hopefully and ultimately it helps you process through the many feelings you experience). I can't even imagine the constant pain you work through daily but you manage to stare this pain down, let it out and make something beautiful, in Ty's honor, come from it. I sincerely hope you will consider seeking out a publisher to make a book out of your beautiful journal. It is hard to describe to someone who hasn't come to this site just how powerful your words and your story are. You and Lou (and fun-filled Gavin!) are truly amazing and so admired by those of us who have had the pleasure of getting to know you through this site. May peace be with you, Cindy
    Cathy from Colorado

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  14. I jump at your posts every time I see them. I think there is something about your sweet little Ty that has truly touched me and I talk about him with my husband like he's part of our family. His smile must do that to so many people...

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  15. I feel EXACTLY the same way as Amanda posted directly above. I just love Ty so much and she couldn't have said it better.

    The pic of Ty on your lap and his pure joy is just mesmerizing.

    Thinking of you every day.

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  17. Ty is having fun in heaven with all his friends and surrounded by love. He's also with you, and is never a thought away. Perhaps you should see a medium to confirm these things. It might make u feel somewhat at peace. Prayers are with you aways and I hope Ty comes to you in your dreams! Betty Warren from Beacon NY

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  18. Cindy I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm sure things will move smoothly for for you and Lou. Ty is in heaven and even though is hard to know what happens after we pass, is good to think he is in the best place ever with the best berson. He is an angel and angels come and go, I am sure some day you will feel his he is around... may be he is just giving you some time to heal. I think of you evryday and I can't wait to read your next post.
    xoxoxo God bless you guys,
    Maria Savlick

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  19. Ty is holding you now. You are beautiful. Keep praying.

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  20. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYDecember 30, 2012 at 8:22 PM

    I love the pictures from the Polar Express, especially the one of him looking at the trains. So sweet. My heart breaks for you.

    Last night and tonight, the stars are shining bright but there is always one star that is the brightest and I say to it, "Hi Ty". Always thinking of your sweet boy.

    I loved the video you posted on Facebook for Mely. It made me cry and smile. Loved all the pictures. I could feel the love she had for all of you and the love you all had for her. The video of Ty giving her a kiss is just the sweetest.

    -Jennifer

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  21. Can you tell me who Mely is?

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    Replies
    1. Melt was their nanny.

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    2. ****Mely ***** (the kindle changed Mely to melt)

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  22. saw the words & link to this song on the sandy hook memorial page, thought i would share:

    In my dreams, you are alive and well
    Precious child, precious child
    In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
    Precious child, precious child
    In my soul, there is a hole
    That can never be filled
    But in my heart, there is hope
    'Cause you are with me still

    In my heart, you live on
    Always there never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon
    Tho' it may be true that we're apart
    You will live forever... in my heart

    In my plans, I was the first to leave
    Precious child, precious child
    But in this world, I was left here to grieve
    Precious child, my precious child

    In my soul, there is a hole
    That can never be filled
    But in my heart there is hope
    And you are with me still

    In my heart you live on
    Always there, never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon,
    Tho' it may be true that we're apart
    You will live forever... in my heart

    God knows I want to hold you,
    See you, touch you
    And maybe there's a heaven
    And someday I will again
    Please know you are not forgotten until then

    In my heart you live on
    Always there never gone
    Precious child, you left too soon
    Tho' it may be true that we're apart
    You will live forever... in my heart

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcpBwB5ruu0

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  23. I don't know if you got my email because I wanted to share with just you, but Ty came to me in my dreams! Now we both know Ive never actually met him but I 've watched every video. He came to tell me he was getting my baby ready! He said she had the sweetest smile but it was her eyes that were special! He said that's what he does he helps to bring all the babies home healthy, he thought it was funny her name was kind of like his! He told me she 'd have lots of hair! Well, Dec. 28th. My granddaughter Lucy Rae was born healthy as can be with a head of hair like you wouldn't Believe ánd the most soulful eyes! But you know I knew she 'd be ok because of that dream! I believe in Ty, he 's busy doing good and fun stuff. You should check out my Facebook page and look at this baby, he was right about the eyes and hair!
    I wish I could take some of your pain away!
    Love and Prayers,
    Terri Napierski. Illinois

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  24. You know Cindy sometimes I really hate myself because at the end of a very exhausting busy day I always say that I shouldn't complain because there is a woman named Cindy and she lost the love of her life. How dare I to ever compare and use your pain to make myself feel better? It's fucked up big time. You had it all and now you don't and when you said that the best years of your life are behind you it just broke me even more. How is it fair to you, to Lou or to baby Gavin who deserves a happy young life. How cruel it is that you have to worry where your 5yo baby is. I struggle with myself everyday because I truly want to believe that he is Ina good happy place but at the same time I don't understand why that place is better for him than in his mama's arms? Thank you so much for making Ty the face of pediatric cancer. Because if we don't hurt and don't care we move on and forget. I still more than anything in the world wanted for cure to be found so that Ty gets to live happy and healthy life after all his sufferings. I miss you Ty. I pray that Gavin is okay with Melly gone. My heart breaks for him.

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  25. I am crushed about Mely, that video killed me, especially when Ty and Mely were kissing. Your song choice was beautiful, "you'll be in my heart", can't think about it without wanting to cry. Loved Gavin's little dance in his chair and the song he sang, he is so funny that lil Gavin. Beautiful tribute to a beautiful human being, Mely. I am just so sad for you all that she had to go too, especially for Gavin, too much loss for him. Love you Campbell's. ALWAYS on my mind..... xoxo Ty xoxo

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  26. We have not commented in a while. Just reading your posts, wondering what to possibly say. I guess all we could carefully say is to hold onto your faith, for life is a vapor, and Ty awaits you.I am sure saying that brings you no comfort or peace. However, look out into the universe, so full of life, so many things happening, well beyond our sight and understanding, so beyond our own realm and dimnesions. Ty is there, and Ty is with you. Fully conscious, aware, and safely surrounded in Love. Thats a promise we can all stand on.

    Mark & Lisa Sanfilippo, Fishkill, NY

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  27. Cindy,Ty,Lou, Gavin,
    We all have said it a billion times and WE WILL CONTINUE to say it again..We wont stop helping the cause! Please continue to share your beautiful thoughts with us. This is what life is all about. God bless.

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