Sunday, November 11, 2012

Missing you, Ty. So much.

"These are the tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic. They play pretend. There is fairy dust in their IV bags. They hope, and they cross their fingers, and they make wishes, and that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe."

I can't stop saying "I'm sorry" under my every breath.  Every minute of every day, that's all that is going through my head.  I can't believe Ty didn't survive.  I can't believe he is gone.  I miss him so much I can't possibly put it into words.  I am lost and so, so hurt, but the worst part of all is remembering how much he endured.  Thinking about all that he went through in his treatment, and how sorry I am that his cancer killed him after such a brave fight.  In the last two years, the only thing that kept me strong was "knowing" that he would be okay in the end.  That he suffered so much, but in the end he would be rewarded with a charmed and beautiful life.  I am just so sorry that it didn't work out that way.  I was supposed to be able to take care of him... to kiss his booboos and make it better.  I told him over and over again that everything would be alright.

The quote above from Grey's Anatomy is posted to Mighty Mikey's caring bridge site.  I always loved it because it embodies everything we know as moms with chronically ill children. 

Lou and I used to watch Grey's Anatomy. I'm sure it was my doing, but he used to get sucked in along with me. Ironically enough, we both remember the episode we watched when we decided to stop recording the show. It was when Ty was a baby, but way before he got sick. Grey's always gets you with the patient stories, right? It was an episode with a Dad and his young, adorable daughter. She had been fighting for her life for a very long time, and she was finally going to die. As he frantically searched for options and talked about moving his daughter to South America for a new kind of treatment, one of the main characters (Meredith, maybe?) tried to explain to the Dad that she likely wouldn't survive the plane ride and that it was time to let her go. Enough was enough. Cue the heartbreaking goodbye and our non-stop tears while we watched from our couch - just imagining having to say goodbye to our own baby was inconceivable. "Let's never watch this show again," he said.  "Agreed. Never again." And, that was it. We never watched it again. Unbelievable that we would find ourselves in that exact same situation just a few years later, when our baby who slept peacefully in the other room while we watched TV, would give in to his cancer and die in our arms, too. Only this time it was real life.

Tonight I watched Gavin play in the big tub, the one that was always reserved only for Ty because it was large enough for his bath chair.  I couldn't stop the tears, I cried a river, because I was overwhelmed by the perfect curves of Gavin's shoulders, his round, healthy belly, his pudgy little fingers and his strong, straight back.  I compared every part of his body with my memories of Ty's naked body, instead.  Every scar that I've kissed over a thousand times.  I know the exact location, length and width of each. My poor, poor baby.  How skinny he was.  How beaten up he was.  How he never stopped smiling, regardless.  He was so amazing.  No wonder I was so sure he would be okay.  Looking back, I think he made me believe because I needed to even more than he did.  He put on his happy face through thick and thin  all of us.  God bless this beautiful boy.  Here he is just two days before we were back in the hospital for the very last time.  Smiling big, sticking out his tongue and teasing me. 


The ladybugs were everywhere today.  What I love most about the ladybugs is that they always appear at the perfect time to remind me that Ty is with me.  When I was staring out the window thinking about Ty, I was suddenly distracted by a half dozen of them that gathered on the screen.  Outside when I was flooded with memories of a healthy Ty as Gavin and I were playing on their swingset, another ladybug hovered in front of my face for what seemed like forever.  When Gavin was having a fit outside of a very quiet, very public place today, I was able to calm him down when a ladybug landed on my leg right in front of him and I showed him, "Look what Ty sent you!"  I let the ladybug crawl all over my hands so he could get a better look at it and he loved it. 
 
I am just sad, but I know that Ty is everywhere.  I enjoy hearing all of the stories from others who are inspired by Ty and who he visits with in his own special way, too.  I am so proud of all he is doing, even now, and I always will be.

Yesterday was a great day, in fact.  In the midst of our grief, people continue to do amazing things in Ty's honor.  Some of you have been following Ty's journey for a long time now, and you may remember that he was dubbed an honorary member of the Fordham football team last year.  He loved football and being part of the team was very exciting for him.  This year, his team wore gold shoelaces and gold towels, they collected funds for pediatric cancer research, and they wore "Ty" on their faces during the game.  We were there on the sidelines to cheer on our favorite team, they allowed us to participate in the coin toss, and they awarded us the game ball afterward.  It was very, very special and we are so grateful.  Last year they revised their "Fordham Fight" song to include him in the verse, "we'll sing our battle song for you, SuperTy!" and he thought that was the coolest thing. 

I just want to repost some of the words from one of those heartfelt players that we received last year.  I am so proud of them all that they continue to keep Ty in their hearts and to be inspired by him.  Last year I had big visions of Ty playing football for Fordham someday.  Yesterday at the game Gavin, who never showed an interest in football before, told me that he wanted to play with the team.

Ty, even though you are still a little boy, you are stronger and tougher than all of us big football players can ever be. We hope our song helps you keep on fighting like we know you will. You continue to inspire us and make us all so proud to be your friends.

You are such a brave little boy for everything you have done and overcame. Your little brother Gavin looks up to you for everything, and we want you to know that you now have 100 big brothers to look up to on the Fordham football team.
 

Ty, what you go through every day is a complete inspiration to each and every one of us. We look forward to a long friendship ahead because once you’re a Ram, you’re a Ram for life! Best of luck with everything! God Bless.

A Ram for life indeed.  Thanks to all of our "teammates" who showed real heart yesterday.  It was such a great day, and a great victory against LaFayette!  Congratulations on a winning season!

Lou and Ty at the game last year


Gavin on the field yesterday
Gavin is doing well, he is pretty oblivious to my tears (which I hide from him very well), but he has his own sadness at times.  He talks about Ty several times a day, unprompted.  He says things like "I miss Ty.  I wuv Ty."  It makes me happy that he thinks of his brother often, but I worry about him, too.  He is too young for bereavement counseling programs, but I have been reading him a bunch of great books on the subject and he seems very engaged in them.  In the meantime, I think going to school is the best thing for him because he truly enjoys being around other children after being so isolated for so long in this "sick" house of ours.  He is mostly happy, don't get me wrong, but he misses his brother and that is not fair.  I briefly mentioned this one recent development that makes me smile big.  Gavin has totally and completely adopted Ty's love of superheroes over the past few weeks.  He shows no interest in Toy Story anymore ;( it's all superheroes all the time.  Today he wore his spiderman costume for 11 hours.



As always, Lou has been very good about getting the family out of the house.  Yesterday was the game.  Last night we celebrated his birthday with family and friends.  Today we went to the buddhist monastery to enjoy the outdoors and some serenity.  Next weekend, the Great Wolfe Lodge, and he is even planning a long overdue weekend away for the two of us in December.  Slowly, we are trying to heal. 

The Monastery


81 comments:

  1. Beautiful Post! On A different note, that picture of Gavin in his Spidy costume is hysterical. I have a son the same age and he begs me to allow him to do the same. You are great parents, he is so lucky!

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  2. Cindy, I admire you so much. You are such a brave and valiant mother. I followed Ty's story very closely for almost 2 years now and he has changed my life so much. For some reason I had always thought children with cancer were some other people far away but you and Ty are the same as me and my kids. I hold my own almost 5yo so close and think of your son and can't imagine how this world can be so cruel. You are so eloquent and so blazingly honest I am in awe. If I were to ever meet you I would be starstruck. Please continue to write, maybe you should write a memoir or some other kind of book. Sending so much love xx

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  3. Vanessa Rodriguez SchuetrumpfNovember 11, 2012 at 11:39 PM

    I think Ty sent Gavin that ladybug to show him that even when he feels that his emotions are out of control, and he gets overwhelmed, he will always have his big brother watching over him. Angels are wise like that :)

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  4. Oh Cindy, I can't imagine what you guys are feeling. I never met time but I read his story every day for 2 years never missed a day. I can't believe he is gone also, it's not possible, not Ty. I always loved your posts about his big future plans it always made me believe that when a baby suffers so much he deserves to have the best in the future. Well maybe he does now in the way we do t understand, because Heaven is bigger and better and he is pain free. His bigger future plans will still happen I know that I feel that. Ty will do great things. I always said it before even when his body was skinny beaten down his face was so pure and never looked as a face of a sick baby, it was pure perfection and that was so we could all fall in love and rememeber him and do things in his honor. I pray that Gavin is good. He is so adorable he is that comic relief that will make your heart smile even when it's breaking down. Wow, what a job he has. And I know that he will do it. Ty is up there he is everywhere he will make it Ll okay. So sorry that you couldn't heal and kiss his booboes away. Cindy you did everything and more. By the way I watched that episode too and it killed me then but nothing compares to Ty. Nothing. Ty was very real even to those of us who didn't know him. Please stay strong. Love always.

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  5. As a mother we never want our children to experience pain or suffering and when they do feel so helpless...it is very difficult. Just know that Ty did have a lot to fight for and smile for. He had wonderful parents and an awesome little brother. You and Lou did the right thing...putting up a fight. Don't regret that. I am so heart broken for you and although I never had the honor of meeting him I am missing him terribly. That is the impact he left...sweet beautiful Super Ty will never be forgotten.

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  6. Was thinking about you guys. I'm so thankful for the update. My four year old, Nathan, randomly started talking about lady bugs yesterday and of course it made me think about Ty. So much makes me think of him. Thank you for sharing his story. He truly is an inspiration to so many.

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  7. Cindy, there are so many things I want to say to you and my words just feel so jumbled and inadequate. I wish Ty was still alive. It crushes me so much that he is gone, I can't imagine how you feel. I wish I could reverse time for you to when he was born and start over and make him never be sick. I cry for Ty, and for you and your family. You are such an inspiration and such a beautiful soul, just like your boys. Ty and Gavin are mirror images of you. (I love seeing Gavin in his get-ups). I just wish I could take your pain away. The world is with you and your family; so,so many people are becoming more aware of pediatric cancer because of Super Ty. I wish we never had to know you for the reason we do, but you will make great strides against this monster, I am sure of that. Peace and love to you all. <3 Ty <3

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  8. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers... Lots of love from Australia!

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  9. Loving the picture of Gavin...even superheroes need a hydration break...or as we call it around here...JUUUUUUICE

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  10. Gavin is so cute! One day at a time Cindy, that's all you can do. I saw a ladybug today too and my first thought was about Ty.

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  11. I'm so sorry, Cindy. I can't believe he didn't survive either. I was so sure God would grant us the miracle. I will never stop thinking about Ty and missing him, ever. If only there was something we could do to take some of your pain away...I hope you find comfort in knowing that so many people love and miss Ty and so many care about you and your family. God bless you.

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  12. I'm so sorry, I'll never understand the terrible suffering for so long either, but maybe we'll understand completely when we cross over to that side one day. I truly believe that hovering lady bug was Ty telling you he is here with you! I'm so glad the stories of love and signs from Ty comfort you. I'm still amazed by the sign I received from him and so grateful I received it. Gavin is a gorgeous, gorgeous little boy! He doesn't deserve to miss his brother. Maybe it's ok to only talk about Ty when he is the one who brings it up, if only to give him an emotional break from the sadness, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for such a little one to grieve, when it's so very hard for us big people. Hug him tightly, then hug him once more for Ty so that you and him will feel double the love you both so much deserve. xoxo
    Rita

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  13. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, Lou, Ty and Gavin today. xx

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  14. I think the worst part of losing someone is that it is just so final and there is nothing we can do. Life goes on but we are sad. I cried a lot when my mom died, especially when I was driving, people would just look. I realized then the reason years ago people wore black, at least that way they knew why you were miserable. Today was 11-11, mom's numbers, I thought of her and Ty a lot. Ladybugs were her favorite, she always wore pins with ladybugs. For all of us who have followed you from the beginning, Ty is like our Angel. I don't think you realize how much we care. Never be sorry, I think you made the right decisions, you just tried as hard as you could, I admire you! Love and Prayers, Terri

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  15. Dear Cindy your words are so beautiful in such a bitter sweet way, you are keeping the memory of Ty alive in all our hearts, you are my super heroine. I also listened to your radio interview with Bob Salter, you spoke so eloquently and with such grace, Ty would be so proud of you! You have opened so many people's minds, I never knew that children went through the same chemo and radiation as adults, if not more, it's so shocking in this day and age and something must be done to change that. Thank you so much for helping all the children who will come after Ty and have to go through the same thing, you are fighting for a change and we will fight with you. My heart aches for you though and the tears always come, Cindy we are thinking of you out there in the 'cyber' world and your family. Gavin looks sooooo cute in his spider man costume, he is lucky to have you as his mummy and Ty too! God bless and love to you and Lou and Gavin and always Ty,
    Lisa and baby Charlie
    xoxoxoxox

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    1. I fully agree with your post! Love it

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  16. How do you keep writing such lovely posts Cindy.They are sooooooo detailed and emotional. I love Gavins Spider man suit, it DEFIANTLY suits him :) Gavin and Ty are lucky to have you as a mum. Keep thinking positively and keep your chin up!!!! :)

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  17. Mrs. Campbell,
    I am glad to hear that Ty is visiting you in his own special ways. It is good that Lou is taking you places. I know this may sound silly but every morning when I get ready to go to work I drink my coffee and watch the local news here in Texas. This morning after reading this post about Ty''s relationship with Fordham....I look up at the news on the TV and they are showing the Veteran's day parade in NYC. Then there on my big screen are two military men marching in the parade holding a red banner with "Fordham New York City's Jesuit University" . I am not sure if this is the same University but it at least has the same name. Ty has made me a better father to my 5 year old son. I am a lot more patient with him, I drop him off at school now instead of my having my wife do it. Thank you Ty.

    Prayers from Texas,
    Robert

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    1. Yes, Robert. That is the same school! Thank you for always thinking of us.

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  18. I'm very happy that ur doing well Cindy. it makes me feel relief. <3

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  19. So so sorry that Ty is not here with you (I cry while reading most of your posts), but I know he sees all the things being done in his honor. He is smiling big in Heaven, and there are such kind, great people still left in the world! You know, it probably makes Gavin feel closer to his brother when he plays with Superheroes or wears his Spiderman costume. Kids see/feel spirits way more than adults do. I have no doubt that Ty is with Gavin all the time! My prayers to you and Lou as you go through this difficult, heartbreaking time of healing.

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  20. Of course you told him over and over that everything would be alright. You were right. For him everything is perfect now. His is not living in this world anymore witch is far from perfect. His is living in perfection where he is with God and can see his family anytime he wants. Don't be sorry for Ty Cindy. This sorrow right now is yours and we are all so very sorry for you and Lou and Gavin. Why did this happen to you? This is so unfair and horrible. Maybe God knew your strength. He knew you would share your story and change hearts. We don't have answers now. But Ty is yours forever and nothing will change that. He waits for you and Lou and Gavin in eternity where nothing will ever seperate your family again. I wish I had better words but I don't. Im sending hugs and prayers and Gods comfort to you all.
    Thank you for always sharing. We will always remember you in our prayers. You are a beautiful soul.

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  21. Much love to your family! Im so sorry and so sad for you all. Take all that pain that you feel and all that sorrow and just offer it up. Offer it right back up to God for whatever you want. Just like Jesus did for us. Our pain and suffering is like gold when offered up to God.
    He has givin us this grace.
    I wish I could help somehow, I wish I had the right thing to say. I'm so sorry!
    God bless you all!

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  22. What an inspirational family you guys have. I wish Ty could've won that battle. I pray for you guys at least once a day. Heres to the little boy whose spirit was stronger than his body, and makes everybody want to be a better person.

    Eric

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  23. Tears still well in my eyes as i feel your pain Cindy. I thought this would be somethin you might like to hear, I live in upstate NY and I was out in the country with a friend we saw some hawks on utility poles and then was going to try to take a picture, while doing this both hawks got spooked and flew away, we went down the road and turned the corner and there they were again. my friend tried to take a picture again and there they went..I thought of TY and it made me think he was flying free and not alone! prayers are with you and your family!

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  24. I wish I had some magical words for you, but I don't. I just want you to know that I think about you often. We will never forget the pain you are experiencing, and the world will certainly never forget sweet Ty.

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  25. You are a great mom. My god be with you . I have missed your blog . I allways tell my children about Ty and they were asking me how was his mommy today . Please let me know details about the fund raiser at 151 grill in mahopac I am from mahopac and would love to pass the word .
    Jeanne
    Mahooac

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  26. Your family's strength is so inspiring. You are an amazingly strong person. The lady bug story is pretty amazing. I pray that you will continue to receive signs and assurances that Ty is doing well.

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  27. Morning,

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful - yet heartbreaking story.

    Ty is my hero. Ty will always have a very special place in my heart.

    I have arranged for a perpetual donation to be made - ongoing - in honor of " SuperTy " to the Ty Louis Campbell Foundation.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & all of your family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

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  28. Thank you for updating us on how your family is doing. We always pray for your family & for Ty up in heaven. I wasn't even blessed to know this little person here on earth, yet I find myself thinking of him in some way just about every day, in a song, a beautiful sunset, etc. Ty is everywhere, and has had such a positive affect on so many people. Surely he is an angel watching over you now.

    I am glad you are able to enjoy outings with Lou and Gavin. Ty wouldn't want it any other way! Believe me, he KNOWS how hard you fought to keep him safe. He wants to see you all happy again.

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  29. I just want to grab both of you and hug you to help take some of your pain away. I am so sorry. You did everything you could to try and make him better and Ty knows that. I want you to know that I think of you, Lou, and Ty often throughout the day. I am a more patient mom to my 3 year old, Kai, after reading your blog. I try to sit with him more and play instead of always being busy. You are all making a difference in peoples lives. It's funny, I never saw or noticed Captain America before but now I see him everywhere. My son has just become obsessed with superheroes and it makes me think of Ty.
    My husband was telling me a story of how the other day he was driving and the leaves were just falling everywhere. There was no wind but they were still just falling in blankets and he was saying how beautiful it was. I thought of you on your hike and how at the end there were no leaves falling. Maybe he told me that story so I could tell it to you and you would know Ty was watching.
    Sending love and prayers from Boston.
    Jody, Amit, and Kai

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  30. So happy to read an update as, like so many others, I feel so connected to you and your beautiful family. I am also a mother of two little boys (ages 3 and 1). You are indeed an inspiration and even though there is nothing any of us can say to alleviate your sadness at this time, know that there are so many of us rallying for you, Lou and Gavin. Thank you so much for sharing your family with us, Cindy. God bless Ty now and always.
    Kim - Sleepy Hollow, NY

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  31. You and Lou did EVERYTHING you could for Ty so he could fight his cancer. And you both were there everyday with him and I know Ty is grateful for what you did til the very end. You both are an inspiration to other families that are going through the same situation. Just remember that Ty is everywhere and always will be. He is coming to you in so many ways and you have so much support. I read about the football player playing in his honor...very cool!!! And I'm happy Gavin is doing well and thay he remembers his brother. Tho he is young but like I said before your words will comefort him as he grows and learns of what happened to Ty. You will reunite with Ty one day in heaven. He' a beautiful angel now.

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  32. You and Lou did EVERYTHING you could for Ty so he could fight his cancer. And you both were there everyday with him and I know Ty is grateful for what you did til the very end. You both are an inspiration to other families that are going through the same situation. Just remember that Ty is everywhere and always will be. He is coming to you in so many ways and you have so much support. I read about the football player playing in his honor...very cool!!! And I'm happy Gavin is doing well and thay he remembers his brother. Tho he is young but like I said before your words will comefort him as he grows and learns of what happened to Ty. You will reunite with Ty one day in heaven. He' a beautiful angel now.

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  33. That picture of Gavin drinking juice in his Spiderman costume is adorable!!

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  34. I continue to look forward to reading your logs and hope that more is done to help those children with pediatric cancer... i couldnt imagine all the grief you must be feeling as a family and hope i never have to have such sarrow.... today there was a lady bug in my house in november and i recently lost a family member ... i thought of you and definately took a minute to enjoy that lady bug... thank you so much for continuing to keep me aware of my surroundings and appreciative of what i have and focused less on what i dont have...ur a blessing and so is your family...

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  35. I'm sending a link to a lodge in my part of the country (Minnesota/Wisconsin) where families who have lost a child can go to grieve and find support. I'd expect there is something similar in your part of the country.

    http://www.faithslodge.org/powerful/

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  36. So glad to see you are feeling Ty all around you. It's wonderful how Gavin has become the superhero fan...he is channeling Ty every day. :-) As hard as it is, it is great that you are trying to get out of the house. I'm not sure if you have ever been to Great Wolf Lodge but we go every year. The best thing about it (besides the rides and the kids loving it)....is that the parents can drink beer in the park while watching. So sit back, relax and enjoy a nice cold one. You need it. :-)

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  37. Oh Cindy, I wish there was some way to ease your pain. None of this is fair, and no parent or sibling should have to endure what you are all going through. But I have no doubt that Ty is sending you all those ladybugs to show you that he is with you every step of the way, from now until you hold him in your arms again.

    Gavin is absolutely adorable. You are such incredible parents. He is one lucky boy!

    And I am glad that you and Lou are making special time for yourselves. As tempting as it is to want to be alone, leaning on each other and reconnecting with each other post-cancer, loss and all the trauma is so important right now.

    You are so amazing. SuperTy forever!

    XO Kate on LI

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  38. I am so horribly sorry for your loss. Ty is so beautiful and precious, and it is not fair, not right. Please know that Ty and you all are in my thoughts. When I'm putting my own sons to sleep, I'll be sure to sing a special good night song , just for him

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  39. I honestly don't know which is more inspiring - that you so eloquently articulate your thoughts and feelings and are brave enough to let the world "hear", or that SuperTy kept his smile no matter how badly he felt. It is so not fair, and I wish there was something I could say that would make it feel a little better, even if only for a second. I wish healing could take place, but seems like one never heals from these things, just goes on living with the loss. Creating the new normal sucks.

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  40. You are ever in my thoughts and prayers. Sending much love from South Carolina!

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  41. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this! There is nothing I can say except I wish I could somehow ease your pain. Super Ty has touched my heart forever.

    One thought I have sometimes, which may not be helpful to you at all - but which I wanted to share - is that, other than knowing that there is peace and light and awesomeness on the other side (which I know b/c I died and was brought back once as a teenager) - we have NO IDEA what the 'grand plan' is for this universe. We don't really know why we are here, other than to love and take care of each other and do the very best we can and love God - love our origin. So that being said, ANYTHING could be possible. Maybe Ty is experiencing his very best hug from you... for an infinite time period, in a bliss that wasn't possible to feel completely in our stupid human bodies. Maybe children who were such AWESOME fighters on this earth are God's most majestic angels. I KNOW this doesn't help - it wouldn't help me, either - but I just have a strong feeling that what happened was always meant to be Ty's journey, and while it is unimaginably horrible for you as his mother, and it was unfair and so hard for him... maybe you will see one day, when you meet him again, just why it had to happen. I hope when you see him again you will have perfect understanding, and it will all make sense, and you and Ty and Lou can all give each other high-fives and say, 'We had no idea what this was about, and it hurt SO much, but we did everything RIGHT, and in the end it was okay'. I believe you have infinite forevers yet to spend with your precious Ty. Our time on Earth is just a second. I hope it gets less painful soon.

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  42. I rarely ever see lady bugs so I truly believe that is Ty coming to you to check in and keep you company - how wonderful is that. Of course we all want you to have your baby in your arms always, it is unfair, it never should have ended this way. Every day I wish I could find the magic words to make this better.

    I loved reading about the Fordham team and how they are remembering Ty and spreading the word. That is incredible. And I love how Gavin is idolizing his brother by starting to love the things he loved - that's how it is with little brothers and sisters :) I'm glad you guys are getting out for family time - I've never visited the monastery's up there - for years I lived right across the river and never took advantage, maybe one day soon I'll check it out. I hope you all have fun at Great Wolfe - I hear that place is wonderful. And I'm really happy to hear that Lou is planning something for just the two of you. Thinking of you guys - SuperTy always and forever!

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  43. Bonjour to all of you,your poste are always a killing for me for us..i cannot stop thinking of Ty,i can tell you that he s a part of me now,cause i always have a thoughts for him..as a mother i can t believe how strong you are to face all that!!..i support now and forever,i really do! there is no words that can confort you..but i will each time to say something to you even if i know that nothing can ease your pain!

    PS: sorry for my poor english..i m french!..But God s know what i feel for you guys! God bless you and you r family.

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  44. Cindy, I have been offline since the storm (just got our internet back today), but have been thinking of you all everyday, and hoping you are ok. Your posts continue to be so beautiful, and heartbreaking, and painfully honest, and I thank you for that.
    I was just finally able to tag you on fb in my picture of our SuperTy snowman we built after the crazy storm the other day. I hope it brought a smile.
    Thank you for continuing to keep us all posted on how you are doing. We all love your family so much, and we all still ache for Ty.

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    1. I saw that and loved it! :)

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  45. Cindy, last night was the first time i read about your son Ty. I have been an emotional person since. First I want to say to you and your family I am so sorry for your loss. I have three daughters and I cant even imagine what you are going through. Your journey has made me realize that I neef to hold my girls a little bit tighter and let the little things go. My dearest friends son Elias is batteling leukemia and I pray for them every night. Your blogs are your outlet and i will keep you in my prayers every night.

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  46. Don't stop yourself from being normal and missing your angel boy every second. It sounds like Gavin misses his hero more than any of us can imagine. Love that sweet baby and he will know he is safe, just like I know Ty felt. You are wonderful parents who have given their boys unconditional love, some children never even get an ounce of that feeling. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom to help you deal, but I think some of us need to be a lot more like your family so we can cope. Sorry doesn't make sense, but I do think of you all all the time and pray you get through this.

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  47. What a great Fordham foot game it was! So much excitement! We were there with our daughter who is a senior...our last family week-end....and when I saw the students collecting in honor of Ty for pediatric cancer it was so heartwarming to see....look at the impact that little guy has made....some people live a 100 years and never touch the hearts and souls of a handful of people and God gave us Ty to touch thousands! Fordham is such a wonderful school community....very proud that my daughter Monica and Ty share a commonality....Rams forever! Prayers to you as always! <3

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  48. Ty is in my prayers...I pray for your strength, what a beautiful little boy. I cry with every new post, I feel your broken heart in your words.
    Eileen

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  49. Cindy: Hats off to the wonderful Fordham football team. What a great bunch of guys. The monsatery you went to is beautiful. Lou is a great husband and father. You all should have fun at the Great Wolfe Lodge. We went two years ago to the one in Grapevine, Texas. My kids had a blast. I think of you every day. I miss my daily updates on Ty. How I wish the outcome would have been different. I love that boy. You're right. Almost every single picture showed his magnificent smile. As a nurse, I can attest to the fact that an adult will scream if you tear off a bandage. All the stuff that Ty endured, and yet, always had a big, beautiful smile on his face just shows you what an inspiration he was to many people - myself included. God bless and have some fun in the upcoming weeks!

    Laura in Texas

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  50. I pray that each day you find more strength. God bless you and your family. (So loving the picture of "Ga Ga" in his costume!)

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  51. Cindy and Lou -- we all miss Ty so much. Thanks for giving us all more thoughts and a little bit of healing knowing you all are moving one step at a time...with Ty with you along the way.
    Hugs from afar.
    Love the picture of Gavin -- he reminds me so much of my two boys.

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  52. Cindy,

    I saw this today and it made me think of you and your family.

    Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation!

    ~ Rumi

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  53. Cindy. I´ve been following Ty´s story ever since Ronan´s mom posted about it. I think about these little boys all the time. Just the other day I was thinking about Ronan, and all the sudden I looked down and saw a Ty´s teddy bear label, the ones that say "Ty". It was really wird because we don´t even have those teddy bears here in Argentina! I´m sure it was Ty telling me to think about him too, or letting me know he is with Ronan, playing and having fun. I know it was him... Praying and thinking in all of you... Love from Argentina. (Sorry for the english, hope you understad)

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  54. The ladybugs really were all over yesterday! We live about 30 minutes south and I saw so many yesterday...every single one reminded me of you and your family and little Ty. Praying for you everyday :)

    Desiree

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  55. Cindy - I too watched that same Grey's Anatomy episode with my husband (who was not a frequent watcher of the show). Toward the end of that episode he turned to me and said how could you watch this - it is just too sad. I have thought often of that exact episode while reading your blogs over the years. The poor father was desperate and I remember thinking, it just wasn't fair. How could something so incredibly sad be a reality for another family? It was just a show. But I learned of your family and read every post. I read because I had such tremendous hope that Ty's story wouldn't turn out like the sad, sad show. It just couldn't. When it did, I was struck with utter sadness for you and your family. Nothing about what you have gone through is fair. When I listen to Taylor Swift's song "Ronan", I think of that episode as well. When she sings, "Come on baby lets fly away" I remember that father saying something similar to his little girl when the end was near for her. I remember thinking how incredibly strong he was and that no one could really be that strong in that situation. Then there is you. You are real. Your family went through it for real and you are the strongest person I know. It must etched something in my mind because I have never forgotten it and I will never forget Ty and his story either. Thank you Cindy for sharing your reality. Your family is not a TV show, it is real life and it is real pain, and pediatric cancer is REAL. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your beautiful voice and Ty's beautiful face.

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  56. I was suppose to run NYC Marathon, it was going to be my first. I ended up running another marathon. I finished (yea). When I was running I was thinking about you. Especially when it got hard (up hill...most of the race). You are incredibly strong, extremely brave and very empowering. You are someone Moms can look up to. You make me a better parent and person. I can't imagine how hard of a time you are having. It is not fair that you cannot hug that beautiful little boy anymore, but you are doing everything in your power to make Ty proud. Ty made you an amazing mother, thank you for paying it forward.

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  57. I'm so sad for all of you! I cry when I read your posts. I can't even imagine what your going thru. I have a 6 yr old son and because of you, I kiss him more often and hug him tighter these days. I've been following your posts and I can't stop thinking about the post you wrote about Ty being 'alone' now. He's not alone, he's with family that have passed before him, and he's also with God. After my dad passed, I read '90 minutes in heaven' and it gave me some peace. Perhaps you can read this book and find some comfort in knowing Ty is in a beautiful and amazing place full of love...more love then ever imagineable...more love then one can fathem. He's also free from pain and playing, running and jumping in muddy puddles. Prayers are always with you and your family. May God help you thru this sad and heartbroken time. Betty

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  58. I am so sorry that you cannot hug and kiss that sweet baby. My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what it feels like for you. Your family shouldn't have to go through this. I hope that changes. I believe that you and Ty will change that. Ty will do wonders for pediatric cancer awareness. Love to you all and I pray that God continues to give you and your family strength. God bless.

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  59. Thank you for posting. I was thinking of you guys. My heart is with you. Love love love

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  60. My 8 year old son who is NOT into super heroes was Captain America this year for halloween for Ty. At church yesterday he asked if he could light a candle for Ty. It is unbelievable how much Ty and your incredible family have changed peoples lives. More than anything I wish I could bring back a physical Ty for you but you have to know his spiritual presence is EVERYWHERE !! The love continues...

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  61. "Your simply the best. I hang on every word you say."
    I happen to turn on the TV when that beautiful song was playing.

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  62. I started following your story on Ty's birthday. A friend posted the link and wished him a happy birthday. I clicked through thinking I was going to read a story of a beautiful little boy who beat the odds and survived cancer. I get very emotionally involved in the grief of others and I usually try to avoid such topics on a personal level because they sometimes drain me so much that I cannot be there for my own children (sounds crazy, I know). But even through all the tears I stayed with you and Ty and believed with all my heart that he would survive. I read all of your earlier posts and could not imagine any other outcome after all that sweet Ty had been through. We wished Ty well every night before bed knowing that he would wake up stronger the next day. I'm so deeply sorry that did not happen. I cannot imagine the depth of your grief but please know that you are always in my thoughts. I think of Ty and you and Lou and Gavin several times a day. At a craft fair this weekend I saw a superhero kid-sized wallet and as I held it in my hand I told the woman Ty's story. He would have loved to keep his treasures in it. Tears and hugs from NC.

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  63. I know that even though Ty didn't get to finish his life here where he belonged, that he IS getting his charmed and beautiful life, a little boy who has positively changed the lives of many and endured so much with a beautiful smile on his face is definitely getting that and an endless supply of blue lollipops;)

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  64. Cindy, God is everywhere. :) :) :)

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  65. so sorry about the loss of your precious boy. i pray that God will comfort and heal your family. i read another blog where the little boy died of cancer 18 months ago. in fact, these parents were on the katie couric show recently and taylor swift wrote a song about him. like you, they were hoping for a miracle.

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  66. This is my 1st time writing although I have followed your posts for a very long time. So many of us feel so connected to your family. As strange as it may seem I find myself thinking of you all very often.
    On two seperate days I was out walking my dog and found a small action figure laying in a ditch line under a row of trees. Both times I instantly smiled and thought "SUPERTY"
    You are an incredible Mother who has touched so many lifes and raised awareness all over the world!
    Sending prayers, peace and well wishes your way..:)

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  67. I saw a little boy wearing that same costume in the grocery store on Sunday! Sitting in the front of the cart. I can't remember where! Hannaford's in Wappingers Falls, I think.

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  68. I pray for Super Ty every night. He will always be In my thoughts and prayers
    Love Em

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  69. Since I started reading your blogs, I have been physically unable to stop thinking of your family and Ty. I cant count the tears I have shed for your family or the hours I have spent thinking of the pain you all have endured. Its overwhelming at times. I cant begin to understand how you all must feel. I can only say that Ty was so lucky that he had you guys as his parents, there with him, through it all, as you put it, "attached" to your hip. Please take comfort in the fact that you and Lou did the absolute BEST job anyone could have and more under the horrible circumstances you were given. You are both SUPERPARENTS and I pray for your family often. You are raising awareness, as you promised and I cant wait to see GOLD all over the place. Its impossible to ever forget SuperTy! I hope you and Lou truly enjoy all of your upcoming excursions. You are both so deserving of happiness and joy. God Bless your beautiful family. Hugs from YL in California

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  70. Many years ago, when my son was a young teen, there was a mother on our street who was one of the first parents to put a helmet on her son's head when he was outside riding his tricycle. She told me that the other mothers would make fun of her and tell her she was turning her son into a sissy. I told her to look at them and say, "You can accuse me of loving my child too much any day of the week. I can take that kind of criticism."

    I understand your torment, but I have to think it's better that you second guess yourself for putting Ty through too much than second guess yourself for putting him through too little. You could never live with yourself if you'd given up too easily and who's to say what that is? There was nothing easy about anything you did. You didn't give up when there was any glimmer of hope. I'm pretty sure that's your job as his parents. You fought to the end, kicking and screaming as you tried to drag whatever was left of your baby back so you could keep him in your arms where he belonged. No one can fault you for that, including YOU. Knowing what you know now, would you blame another parent for doing everything they could to save their child? You might wince, but you'd hope like hell they'd have a better outcome, and you'd certainly--more than anything else--you'd certainly, understand.

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  71. Thank you for the post. It is always good to hear from you. God bless
    Julie in MN

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  72. Cindy,
    I recently gave a presentation at my University on childhood cancer. I was a nervous wreck! I got up there an thought for sure I would vomit, or pass out. Then it hit me.. How much Ty went through and how strong and brave he was. I had no excuse to be scared of speaking about this horrible disease! I prayed for Ty to be with me and I swear he was. I felt empowered and spoke from my heart about how much childhood cancer needs a cure. How it needs funding, I also included a picture of your sweet boy and explained his story. I know the class felt Ty also. By the end of the presentation the men were fighting back the tears and the women were bawling.
    I am a mother of 4, 3 girls and one boy, he is 3. We celebrated Ty's birthday, and we still lite candles for him. My son kept telling me how he wanted to go see his friend Ty and sing him happy birthday. When Ty passed I told him that Ty went to heaven. He was upset..
    We drove out of the city to go see if we could see the meteor shower a couple week ago. We were standing on the side of the road watching the stars and my son said to me out of nowhere "Ty is on that star" I was taken back, I had not mentioned Ty in a while. I asked him what he was talking about. And he said “Ty is up there (pointing up) he is watching us and his Mommy.”
    I broke down and cried I have never met Ty but I know he was and is an amazing little boy. He is still around watching and helping us all.
    I truly am grateful for your blog, for your Facebook, for putting your story out there and for showing me that I need to slow down and enjoy every moment of my children. With your help Ty taught many of us a great lesson.

    Thank you Thank you Thank you.

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  73. Cindy, thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. I am filled with worry when you don't write and then overflowing with tears when you do. Keep fighting for Ty and all children of the world. Your words make us all stronger and anxious to join the fight. Cancer will NOT win!

    Ty, I am thinking of you always. Please continue to send signs to your Mommy... she misses you so. God bless you sweet boy.

    XOXO - Kylee

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  74. Cindy, Your words are so helpful to me. I am a mother that also feels soo, so sorry with every breath that I take. I am so, so sorry for my son. Sometimes I fear I won't be able to breathe..it is so heavy.

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  76. Jamie Chapin FoundationDecember 7, 2012 at 10:00 AM

    Cindy & Lou: I came across a tab on my browser and for some reason a bunch of messages popped up about the blog. As I looked thru, I remembered bookmarking this and praying for Ty. It had struck me that they had the same bday - Feast of St. Francis - (but my son was much older) and that Jamie (and we) had gone thru a similar battle just before Ty. I didn't think to continue posting on my caring bridge page. I too want to fight the battle against cancer. I don't know how to get in touch. But I am praying for you and I know Jamie was there to welcome Ty. Peace

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