Thursday, November 29, 2012

Misery does NOT love company

If there is one thing I am sure of... that is I am almost always strong when I am around other people.  I rarely cry when talking about Ty or any every day thing.  I think about Ty every second of every day, but when I am among other people I manage to hold it together very well.  I can honestly say that I enjoy company because of that fact. 

I cry every single time I am alone in the car.  I cry every time I take a shower.  I cry when I walk into a supermarket alone.  I cry when I see something Ty would have loved, like the rainbow candy stick at the quick mart the other day.  I bought one for him.  It was silly, I know, but I don't know if I would have been more sad ignoring it and validating the fact that Ty is gone, or acting in denial and buying it for my five-year-old son who I will never get to give it to.  I decided to go the denial route and just buy it.  It's sitting on my kitchen counter and now I don't know what to do with it.  I promise you that if Ty was with me, that is 100% the candy he would have picked.   Actually, I should probably bring it to the office and just put it in Ty's candy cart so someone can enjoy it while we are hard at work on the foundation!

 
I talk to Ty all the time.  Sometimes I feel he is with me, and other times I feel so alone.  I just repeat myself over and over.  "I miss you, I love you, I want you back, I'm so sorry you suffered so much, I hope you are okay."  It's all I can think of.  Those five short phrases perfectly represent all of what I am feeling every second of every day.

Ty just weeks before diagnosis
Thank God for Ty's foundation.  I haven't been able to update this blog because I have truly been inundated with work trying to keep up with everything.  We have SO MANY big ideas, and so far we are off to an incredible start.  We will be launching the new website soon.  We will be introducing The Muddy Puddles Project.  We will be hosting events and opening up a merchant site to buy SuperTy products.  All of it is very exciting. 

Yesterday I attended a roundtable with New York's top radio stations to try and impress them with our foundation so we can book an interview or two in the future.  I worked really hard to pull together an informative press kit so I really hope something comes to fruition.  Even if it's just a PSA, that would be incredible.  It is so important that we can continue to get the word out about Ty's story and use that as a platform to share the facts about pediatric cancer/spread awareness. I truly feel this is only the beginning of all the amazing things Ty will do. 
 
Some of you may remember me writing about a bracelet that I wore every single day for over a year.  It had a heart charm engraved with the words "keep fighting" and it used to always reassure me that we were doing the right thing by Ty.  When we left the hospital for at-home hospice on September 17 was the first time I noticed it was gone.  It was simply missing.  I didn't hear it fall anywhere and I couldn't remember, for the life of me, where I saw it last.  I was sure it was lost in the hospital, and how fitting!  To lose my "keep fighting" bracelet on the day we decided to throw in the towel. 
 
Well, the other day I found it.  I was moving Gavin's mattress to make his bed, and there it was!  Right there in the middle of the floor, underneath all the bedding!  I have changed his sheets frequently since I lost the bracelet so I can't figure out why I haven't found it until now.  I like to think that Ty put it there because he felt now is the time for me to find it.  Time for me to start fighting again.  Not for his life, but for all of the other little kids just like him.  And I promise you that is what I have been so busy doing therefore I've been out of touch a bit.  Yes, I'm crying.  Yes, I'm sad all the time.  Yes, I am vulnerable.  But don't worry about me because I am also very busy.  It is so good for me to be able to pick my dusty gloves off the floor and get back in the fight.  I feel I am slowly coming back to life when I am busy at work on his foundation.  It's not the life I want, but I still have to do what I can maintain a life with passion.  Ty gave that to me.  A reason to be passionate again and to work so hard toward the cause. 

I still have a tremendous yearning for the hospital.  I tell Ty all the time that I would do anything to be with him again, even if it means living with him in the hospital forever.  I know it sounds like the worst life imaginable, but if he was in it my life would be better no matter what.  In the depths of my soul I realize that I don't really want that for Ty's sake.  That it would be incredibly unfair to Ty to continue living a life in pain and confined to a hospital bed.  But my irrational side just can't get over how much I need him here with me, and I can't reason with my irrational side so sometimes those ideas do end up consuming me for a while.  I miss him so much, I want him back at any cost whatsoever.  I'm trying to make a deal here and nobody will listen. 

I finally mailed hundreds of thank you cards today.  For sympathy cards or mass cards... we are so appreciative.  I struggle so much when signing the card, you can't even imagine.  I sign "Love, Lou, Cindy, Ty and Gavin" to everything for years and years.  Today I wrote in Ty on accident.  Then on the next one I started crying and omitted both Ty and Gavin just to feel better.  Finally, on the third card, I wrote "Love Lou, Cindy and Gavin."  Do you know how empty that sounds?  How awkward it felt as I put the pen to paper writing those words?  Ty belongs there.  It's so unfair. 

Lou and I are missing him in our bed the most.  Where he's been sleeping pretty much ever since this :)



THis is going to sound ridiculous, but it's true so I might as well share it with you... A lovely organization mailed a "Ty" doll to Gavin, but upon opening it we got so excited that Lou and I took it and put it in our room instead.  So we can sleep with "Ty".  The NY Giving Doll program sends a rag doll that resembles your child.  It was such a sweet thing.  He has green eyes and curly blonde hair.  We snuggle this ridiculous doll all night long.  I truly find comfort in it, as silly as that sounds.  I guess we are just having a really hard time letting go.  I want to sleep with "Ty doll" forever and I just might!

81 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings no matter how hard it is. I'm glad you have Ty doll. I don't know what to say except that I'm a total stranger and I check this blog daily before I go to sleep. I smile when I see sweet Ty's picture...I'm sorry he is gone and I'm sorry for the pain you and your whole family have been through. I wish I knew what to do or say to make everything better. I can't but I smile just seeing your sweet son's pictures and watching the videos. You are so inspiring and you are making a difference in so many lives....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well where is the pic of the Ty doll??!! We want to see!! :)

    P.S. I mailed you somethings Cindy, please check facebook email from me. I can not wait to buy some Ty stuff and I will help you sell it too if you want!

    Love,

    Rita

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (I mean through the mail to your office) Just want to be sure I used the right address and you receive it.

      Delete
    2. If u dont mind, can u plz send me the office email ?? I have a few things id really like to send her .. i cant find it anywhere :(

      Delete
  4. I am really proud of you and What your doing with the foundation.....ever since I started reading your blog I think about Ty when I see a kid that looks like him....and at the same time I get so upset thinking why children have to suffer all the pain......I just pray to GOD they find a cure to children's cancer.....If you need help with anything let us know.....God bless and i will be praying for you, Lou and Gavin

    ReplyDelete
  5. That picture of Ty! He is just PERFECT! Impossibly cute!

    ReplyDelete
  6. So glad your absence was for something so amazing and positive. I cant wait to see all of your hard work and Tys legacy come to light for ALL to see. Always and forever in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on keeping on'

    ReplyDelete
  7. I understand having a hard time letting go. But it's ok if you don't. I don't think that's something that can be done, honestly. One doesn't "heal" from losing a loved one. One gets used to it and lives day by day. Over the years the pain becomes less scathing, but there is no way to let go in a case like this.

    And I don't think it's ridiculous that you want that doll with you. I think that makes absolute sense. And it will be more meaningful to Gavin as he grows up. That is something I would want to preserve, I think.

    Last but not least, you can ask us to not worry. However, I know myself and I will continue to do so anyway. I am beyond proud of you for throwing yourself into this foundation. I have no doubt your efforts are going to help immensely. That strength you admired so much in Ty - that came from you. I know from the inside looking out, it's different, but from the outside looking in, you are truly amazing and choosing to bring positives out of this is inspiring beyond words.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey, you know I check on you everyday just to see whet you are up to. Since you haven't been on here in a few I checked the Facebook page. Wow, when I first started following you there wasn't even 2000 likes on that page, I remember how excited it was to reach 4000 and now its over 14000. Do you realize how many hearts you have touched and lives you have affected? You, my friend are making a difference! Ty was here for a reason and he lives on through your undying love and ambition to help other kids. Proud of you, you keep doing what you are doing. Ty is our little hero, thanks for letting us love him, too. Wishing you peace, Terri

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cindy,
    I want to help you and your foundation....what can I do? How can I help? What do you need? From the little things to the big things I'll do anything.
    PS...My son is all of a sudden into Captain America for some reason...he had never seen him or read anything about him but has been talking about him as of late...go figure.:)
    It must be so hard..we send you strength,love, and hugs.
    Love, Jody, Amit,and Kai

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am curious to find out what blog platform you are
    working with? I'm having some small security issues with my latest blog and I would like to find something more safeguarded. Do you have any solutions?
    Also visit my blog post : Work from home

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cindy,
    I think the miracle that was Ty, has morphed into the miracle that is you. You are an inspiration! Yes, we all want to help. All we can do right now is spread the word. And spreading we are doing. What else can we do to help?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear Cindy,

    You and your family are going through a tremendously challenging situation yet you have taken this potentially crippling pain and are turning it into a beautiful and amazing thing called The Ty Louis Campbell Foundation.
    I'm so proud of you all - you are beautiful and amazing and so inspirational by giving hope and support to other children and families.
    Love & Hugs,
    Judy

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Cindy,
    Yet another amazing, personal and touching post. I check daily for updates. The pictures in this post are precious. I also loved the pic of Gavin with Santa. Cindy you are so strong and brave. I will always check your posts and support Super Ty. What an amazing family and kid. I am spreading the word and will forever support this cause. Thank you.
    Mary - MB, CA

    ReplyDelete
  14. Cindy,
    I think it is very fiting to sign all cards with Tys name on them too. He too would want to thank people more then ever. He can see and feel all the love now. Don't leave his name off just because. If it feels good to write it, then write it. His name belongs with the rest of the familys.
    So happy to hear about the doll! What a beautiful gift! I don't think I would let go of it...
    You are so special and I will never stop thinking about or praying for your family! Sending you strength, comfort, peace and love....
    God Bless you Cindy, Lou, Ty and Gavin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. I agree. Sign Ty's name also. He is always with you.

      Delete
    2. I absolutely agree. Beautifully stated!

      Delete
    3. I agree. Ty will always always be a part of your family. I am sure he is smiling down on you and grateful for all of the people rallying around you to support him.

      Delete
  15. Hug that Ty doll tight. Just thinking of you and wishing it was Ty that was in your arms.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Cindy- your actions are as beautiful as your words.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Cindy what can I say! It makes me smile when you say something might sound ridiculous or crazy because I must be crazy or ridiculous right there with you... You hugging Ty doll is not ridiculous if it helps you. I've been hugging the last Robin toy I brought my grandson Jacob for nearly eight months now. He loved Robin. His last dress up photo was in a Robin costume... this was the last stuffed toy I got him and even though it took a couple of days for him to like it because he was in so much pain at the time, when he did take to it he did not let it go. For the first couple of months when I kissed it or smelt it I could smell and feel him. My lips would tingled when I kissed Jacob's forehead in the last couple of weeks for some reason and when I kissed Robin they done the same thing. I must have kissed him too many times as he is more soft and warm now. Who knows maybe I am crazy but I don't care anymore... :)

    As for signing any cards, my daughter always puts his name on them as well. He will always be a part of this family no matter what, same as Ty and if it feels good for you to see his name on every card please do it... If you rather not that is fine as well as you need to do what's right for you. I just wanted to let you know this is what my daughter does as it makes her feel good... So please don't feel you look desperate if that is what you chose!

    Another thing I would like to share with you is what I did for his birthday... It was driving me crazy as there was no way we could celebrate with anyone else and people where asking us what we were going to do so I got some cards made up with a personal poem from Jacob asking them to enjoy his day in their own special way. I signed it from Jacob as well. I sent a red and blue balloon (his favourite colours) and asked them to blow one up and then pop it and say 'I love you'. Everyone seemed to think it was a lovely idea. And best of all Jacob got to hear the loud pop of lots of balloons... He so loved popping them!
    We will continue to include him in everything. We are not trying to pretend he is still alive, we just find comfort in doing so and do feel he is still with us in spirit.

    So you keep hugging Ty for the rest of your life if need be, I will be doing the same to Robin... Take care. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I rarely leave this blog without a tear in my eye or just outright crying....mostly for Cindy's pain and loss, but also for the kind and thoughtful posts like this one. Thanks for sharing.

      Delete
    2. God bless you and comfort you and your family.

      Delete
  18. You are amazing. Peace be with you.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The TY doll is amazing! What a most sincere, thoughtful idea...You are amazing...keep fighting and looking forward to the new website. XO

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Cindy- last night my daughter told me she finally figured out what she wanted for chanukah this year; money so that she could donate half to a cancer foundation and half to help hurricane Sandy victims. I am so proud of her for wanting that. So I asked how about the Ty Louis Campbell foundation and she said definitely. So soon after chanukah you can expect a donation from Emily. Also, Phil works at Morgan Stanley and every year around this time we tell them how much money to take out of his paycheck for charity. Then Morgan Stanley matches that amount and we get to elect where we want the money to go. This year we have decided for sure that it will go to the Ty Louis Campbell foundation. Not sure how long the process takes, but it will get to you eventually. I am so proud of you for throwing yourself into the foundation so other families won't have to suffer like yours. You have a heart of gold. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. LOVE the picture of Ty sleeping with his arms up! My younger son did that all the time when he was a baby :). And the "Ty doll" - what a great gesture. Sleep with it all you want, if it makes you feel better. Would like to see a picture of it, too! Looking forward to all you are going to do for Ty's cause, and truly want to be a part of it in whatever way I can!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm so excited for the foundation to be completely up and running. You will be doing amazing things with this....I know it. Ty must be very proud of his mommy : ) I am always logging on to the blog to see something new...I'm always thinking and praying for you and your family. I know Ty is safe in heaven with our heavenly father. I'm glad you bought the candy and you should take it to the office : ) and I love the Ty doll you have. What a wonderful gift. Hug it and kiss it all you want. Keep fighting for Ty !!! Sending you all a big hug : )

    ReplyDelete
  23. Note to self: Read Cindy's blog BEFORE applying eye makeup. ;) So glad to hear that you're keeping busy and feeling good about it. You are a wonder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol also do not read at work, which I do ASAP I get email that she has posted!

      Delete
  24. I can't imagine what you are going through. I have a 6 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old son. Those 2 drive me up a wall maybe at least 3 times a day. I love reading your blog, I love seeing a new pictures of TY. His eyes are AMAZING. They just take you in. I am so sorry for your loss and even more sorry that TY had to suffer with this god awful disease we call Cancer. I have lost 3 family members from this. Something has to be done, enough is enough. Cancer has torn family to shreds and it needs to STOP. Please let us know what we can do to help. Stay strong for Gavin. He too is ADORABLE especially his hair.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dear Cindy, the words that I want to tell you fail me because you are stronger and more amazing than anyone I have ever known. To loose Ty and to keep going is something unimaginable. I cant go on normally and I never met Ty. You are an angel sent to do things on this Universe just like Ty was.
    First of all I was upset that you only signed the card from Cindy, Lou and Gavin. Ty name should be on it because his spirit is here he is your baby, so never leave anything signed without adding his name. He is the reason for everything you do.
    Second, as a mom I would have bargained the same way wanting to keep my child here at any cost as selfish as it sounds. I feel you on that.
    Third, if I was you, i would lay in bed crippled with pain, not thinking about anything especially not about fighting the fight for other babies (and i dont mean to upset anyone, i would just be selfishly grieving in my pain).
    Fourth, you are building an amazing foundation, and all of us want to be a part of. I love the name muggy puddles. Cant wait to get my Ty tshirts, bracelets and all the products, that I will rock on proudly.
    I am so happy you found a bracelet, of course Ty wsnts you to fight, and you are doing it 1000%.
    Sleeping with a doll must be hard and cure at the same time.
    superTy you simply are most amazing baby boy. I love you million.

    ReplyDelete
  26. So glad to hear from you! You have been on my heart so much and I have been praying for peace for you in your sadness. Everynight as I lay my head on my pillow, I pray for Cindy to have Ty visit in her dreams and to find strength and peace KNOWING he is with her. When you feel alone, he is just out jumping in muddy puddles and busy having fun! Remember, he will always come back to you. You are like home base in the games he plays. He will never be far from your heart!

    How I wish there was something I could do more to help with his foundation. We live states apart, so once you all are up and running "smoothly" maybe there will be a way for all of us outside New York to play a larger role! Your Ty has so become a part of our everyday lives here in Nebraska.

    Keeping you and Lou always in my prayers, Gavin too. Love you all.
    Linda, Nebraska

    ReplyDelete
  27. Just thought I'd let you know I passed your blog along in my own blog... the last few paragraphs are about Ty... a boy I've never met but have come to love so dearly. Just trying to help ;) http://awashel.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-legacy-lives-on-what-can-you-do.html

    ReplyDelete
  28. Cindy as I type this I am wearing an awesome SuperTy Tshirt! Ty is always on my mind, in my thoughts, I check your blog everyday thinking of you and your family! Don't feel ridiculous about hugging that rag doll, if it brings you comfort than it is doing what its supposed to be doing! I totally belive Ty put that bracelet there for you to find! Spirit works in mysterious ways and they always know when to show up! and if you want to sign cards including Ty's name, so be it! Nobody will look at you crazy for that either, cause Ty will always be part of your life, your family, your will and strength forever! He may not be physically here but his spirit lives on and he will always be part of the Campbell family! I am waiting to see all that the foundation is working on! Stay strong and keep fighting!!! XOXOX

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am so happy you found your bracelet!! I remember when you wrote it was gone I wanted to run out to the store and buy you one to replace it, but I knew it wouldn't be the same. And yes, I believe Ty did put it there for you to find. I hope the roundtable was a success and that these stations will work with you to spread Ty's story and awareness for Pediatric Cancer. I believe in all that you are doing and am ready to help in any way possible. When it comes to signing your cards, I think including Ty is fine - for anyone that meets you now and didn't know about Ty, well its a chance for them to get to know about the bravest little boy ever. Sending love to you all. SuperTy always and forever. (ps - that picture of Ty as a baby with the hands up, priceless!!! my son slept the same way, heck sometimes he still does and it always makes me laugh)

    ReplyDelete
  30. Cindy & Lou,

    I remember the bracelet story and I remember freaking out when I read that. I had chills allover my body. I also remember you came home and received a rosary bracelet in the mail, a fitting replacement I believe you called it. . .

    Huh, maybe Ty had it and left it there for you? I think you should leave the candy stick in the garage next to his bike. I'm sure you have plenty of candy at the foundation. If he comes to see his bike he will see the giant candy stick. I dont recall if you said it was huge, but I saw one the other day at 7-11, a 2 pounder I think.

    ((((Hugs))))

    Ps. I don't think you putting Ty's name at the bottom of the cards is wrong! He will forever remain a part of your family! You do what you feel comfortable with.

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

    ReplyDelete
  31. Morning,

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful & heartfelt journey.

    " SuperTy " continues to be an inspiration for me. Ty will always have a very special place in my heart.

    My continued thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

    God Bless.

    - Rob Swan

    ReplyDelete
  32. Cindy:
    I will keep this brief. Hang the candy on the tree. I believe the urge to not turn away from the candy was Ty being with you. So hang it on the tree, he is there. Why not sign his name. Do not feel bad, knowing Ty through all this he is and continues to be thankful. So you do what Ty leads your heat to do and we all love you for it.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Not only do I hang on your every word, I also read all of the comments. In part to know that I'm not alone in loving a family I've never met. My heart aches for you and the tears flow frequently when I think of your loss. I love the Ty doll. I was making a Super Ty doll for Ty and Gavin when Ty passed. I haven't known what to do with them so the pieces sit on my craft table. I cannot imagine your pain and I amazed and inspired by your ability to keep fighting. Hugs and tears from NC.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your comment captures my feelings so well...It amazes me how much you can love and want the best for complete strangers. Ty has inspired me in so many ways and I am happy to see I am not alone in this! =)

      Delete
    2. Agree completely.

      Delete
  34. Cindy-

    Though I was never lucky enough to meet Ty I am still blown away by the unfairness of his illness and death. I miss hearing your daily updates about him and regular pics terribly! I am happy to hear that you are keeping busy and look forward to seeing all the new things the foundation is coming up with. I can't wait until you have some Superty merchandise so I can help spread the word. Please know so many of us continue to think of you and your family daily and pray for peace and comfort for all of you.

    Jennifer

    ReplyDelete
  35. Cindy,

    So glad you were able to update. All of the things you have planned for the future certainly do sound very exciting. I can't wait for the ball to get rolling and for those near and far from you to be able to help. I'm excited especially about buying Ty gear and spreading the word even more about his amazing story.

    Forgive me, I hope this doesn't sound out of line. But I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to include Ty's name when you sign things (like the thank you cards you mentioned). You are his Mama and no one loved him as much as you and Lou. Ty is still yours. He's still a part of your family. I think his name fits perfectly between Cindy and Gavin. I would encourage you to include it. The "thank you" IS coming from him, too. Of course I understand if it hurts too much right now. I just think he's still part of the family and it makes perfect sense to still include his name.

    Thinking of you and praying for your family.

    Love,

    Marcia

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jennifer Russo, Lake Grove, NYNovember 29, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    If I were you, I'd be snuggling with that doll too!!! Whatever gets you through. Thinking of you always. Glad to hear an update and glad that you are keeping busy.
    Jennifer

    ReplyDelete
  37. I am always so happy to hear of all the signs you're getting; finding the keep fighting bracelet during a time you really needed it is amazing. I don't know how anyone could doubt that he is still with you, trying to help you get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I think about you, Ty, Lou & Gavin every single day. Ty has touched many many lives for the better and so have you. I just wanted you to know that you are always in my heart and Ty helps me out in so many ways....when anything is remotely difficult or disappointing in my life....I think of you and Ty....if Ty could be so brave and fight and still smile though all of that, I sure as heck can push through anything and be grateful for every day.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Cindy, Your baby pictures of Ty are SO ridiculously cute and delicious! And the more recent pictures of Ty are so noble and beautiful! I want you to know I think about Ty everyday and still pray for your family and talk to Ty in my prayers. The strangest thing happened last weekend at one of my girlfriend's son's b-day party. They were giving out personalized party favors and my son's name is Luke and after all the other kids got their personalized pencil boxes, Luke was the only kid without one. Apparently there were 2 Lukes at the party but by accident she made 2 "Tyler" pencil boxes. I know that Ty is not a Tyler, but I couldn't help but laugh and embrace the pencil box with the wrong name because my son (who is 2) is who I always needed to give extra kisses and cuddles to after I read your blog entries bec Ty's cuteness always reminded me of my son. I think those are all little signs that he is with us all :) I know the pain you are feeling is just unfathomable. But God put you on this Earth for a special reason just as He put Ty on this Earth for His own special reasons. You have a powerful purpose in this life. And you have so much wonderful positive support to help you do what you need to do! I know you will always ache for Ty but you are his mother and he is ALWAYS with you forever in your heart and soul. Please know how much you are loved by everyone! :) P.S. I will be sending you a donation to Ty's foundation shortly!! xoxo Sharon

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am so glad you found you bracelet!! You know it happened right when you needed it most.. In true Ty fashion, he put it there!! There is no real notebook on how to grieve over the loss of a child so keep doing what you are doing.. If it makes you feel good so be it!!

    Love to you, Lou, Ty and Gavin


    Gabrielle

    ReplyDelete
  41. Holy hell, my heart aches for you and your family. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the mental image of you and Lou sleeping with a rag doll. Since the tears are forming, I guess I've chosen cry.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I have been wanting to send you this for a long time now..
    Please read this site as this family lost their child as well to the same thing as Ty..
    If there is to be progress in the field of pediatric cancer, it starts here!

    www.ouralexander.org

    So sorry for your loss of beautiful Ty.
    Blessings, love and truth to you in these difficult times..

    ReplyDelete
  43. Cindy I just wanted to say once again how incredibly sorry I am for you and your family's loss of sweet, beautiful Ty. And I think you should continue to sign cards and whatever else WITH his name if you feel like doing that. He is and always will be a part of your family. Sending lots of love and hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  44. I am so glad you received the Ty doll. I think it's perfectly natural and comforting to sleep with him. I'm also happy to hear that you found the bracelet. As for your emotions, what you are describing is exactly how I felt when I lost my fiance to cancer. I did OK at work and with friends but the minute I got in the car, the crying started. The moment I woke up in the morning and realized it wasn't just a bad dream, I'd cry. It's all part of the grieving process. Your loss is so very fresh. Be patient with yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hi cindy,
    The Ty doll is the most awesome thing I have heard. I'm so happy is giving you confort. Being busy is good specially if you are busy for the best cause ever.... I wish you the best of luck. Brian and I wear his bracelete every day, well most of the days, sometimes I run out of the house and forget it. Also the super Ty t-shirt Alex and I wear it as much as we can so people can see it. I have no doubt Ty's foundation will be famous, we will all help you get this thing going... Glad to hear from you once again!!keep being strong and cryin for him, speaking with him, being mad a life/God etc... those are all good things!! :)
    Maria Savlick

    ReplyDelete
  46. Sign his name too. He will always be in your heart and that counts.The doll is just awesome and you sleeping with it is just as awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Ty's messages and signs are nothing short of remarkable. Take each and every one of them exactly how you have been as they are his gift to you. Thinking of you and your family every single day

    ReplyDelete
  48. I am not sure if you get to read all of the comments that are posted but I am so so sorry that you lost your beautiful baby boy. I say that in all of my posts because from one mom to another that is all I can think about. I cannot imagine what you are really going through. I know what you write on here is heartbreaking to read so it has to be 1 million times worse. You should sign his name too. He will always be a part of your family and always in your heart. So I think you should sign his name. You and Ty are going to do awesome things with his foundation. I'm glad that you have that to keep you busy. God bless you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Give the candy to Gavin. Give another remembrance doll to Gavin. Give Gavin a bath and focus solely on his healthy, miraculous body. I know you've said this blog is about Ty and processing your feelings about him, but it is also a tremendous love letter to your family.

    The gift of this technology is not just that we can connect with one another instantaneously in the present- bringing together a community and a prayer circle for Ty who is honored to walk this path with you- but also that we can have the gift of this technology's legacy in the future.

    Gavin can read this someday and cherish your words. It will help him know who his mother is, what she lost and how she became the cancer warrior he grew up believing was/is his hero. It will help him understand how and why the foundation he grew up with accomplished so much.

    Yours sons- both of them- are your and Lou's legacy. This blog is a record of that legacy. I believe Gavin is what is getting you out of bed in the morning. I believe he is infinitely precious to you, even more so since Ty died, but that is not the story you are leaving for him to read here. I believe he, too, is beloved, precious beyond words, your cherished son.

    Give Gavin the extra sweetness you bought at the store. Revel in his health. Let us celebrate it with you. We will not forget Ty.


    ReplyDelete
  50. The Ty doll sounds nice. Its funny u mention it because I was thinking that maybe a doll or blanket would bring some comfort..even if its a small comfort. I to would cry all the time. U are a strong women and doing what Ty would want u to do. Its one step at a time. Keep talking to your son...he hears you...when u feel alone, he's playing in muddy puddles and eating candy with his little friends. Just know, he's never alone....and neither are you. Prayers are with you always.
    Betty Warren from Beacon, NY

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just want to say my Aunt Betty had told me about this site.. I instantly broke down because the feeling of looseing your son is the worst thing a mother goes threw!!! You are a very strong hearted women and i absolutly give u the most credit for do what you can at this point!!.. I have twin 4 year olds and i couldnt imagine anything you feel to this day and on!.. Do not think for a second that he is not with you.... The more he feels you upset he is rite there telling you he is doin just fine!!.. Hes in a safe place and he doesnt want you to be upset!!!! Keep doing what you are doing!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! Good luck on the new project!!!! ~NICHOLE POWLIS- Beacon ny

      Delete
  51. Cindy, I Know there's not much i can say, Only you know the pain you and your family are going through. All i can say is to just live day by day , I know it must be hard to wake up everyday with out your precious little boy but you will get through this. You are a strong women that i admire for everything you did and still are doing for little Ty. I will continue to pray for you, Lou , Gavin and of course Little Ty.. Your boy stole my heart since the first time i started reading your blog..

    Thanks for sharing today <3

    ReplyDelete
  52. Cindy- Ty and your family have touched my life beyond words.. U r an absolute inspiration for so many. This horrendous disease needs so many fighters on the oppposite court.. You have started such a wave and I'm positive Ty's foundation will do wonders to positively make huge strides in finding a cure. Both of your precious boys are so adorable-- I can only read ur blogs and look at the photos when alone, as the tears are always there. I think about my 20 month old boy and soon to be 2nd, and cannot even fathom what you and Lou and Gavin went thru and will always be going thru, as Ty will always be a member of ur family who had to leave way too early... You r an absolute inspiration for so many of us, and most importantly u truly r one of the best moms I know. Obviously I have never met u in person,, however ur love, strength, devotion, and positive spirit is so strong in ur writing. I have followed Ronan Thompson's blog for about 18 mos and then stumbled upon Ty's just about 3 mos ago... I have since gone back and read almost all of ur posts. I am looking forward to making a donation to the foundation this month, and will definitely buy shirts, bracelets, etc when they become available.. My husband's company (also a big 4 accounting firm, which I read other readers note) ensures that part of certain people's paychecks go towards charity. Until last year, my husband always elected 'the default', the United Way. Since following Ronan's and now Ty's blogs, we r so thrilled to send money to pediatric cancer. Not only is as much funding as possible needed for all pediatric cancers, but it is so obvious that with ur drive, determination, and fire, that u will make a huge impact in the fight. Thank you for being so passionate in the cause even tho u lost Ty to it... I am sure most mothers could not be so strong and would lie undercovers all day. I think about u and Ty and Gavin and ur husband every day. I'm so sorry you have all had so much horrific sadness in ur lives. Thanks for listening. -Kara P., Boston

    ReplyDelete
  53. I think you finding the bracelet is so symbolic. You lost it when it was time to stop fighting for just a little while to experience the loss of Ty. Now you have found it when it is time to slowly start fighting again with your foundation. I have no doubt that Ty had something to do with that. God bless you.
    Thank you for always sharing.
    Joanne, NY

    ReplyDelete
  54. Cindy, I'm so stuck on every single word you write, every image you evoke. My little fighter is SuperMax and though we lived in similar worlds I know we're also worlds apart as well. I just wanted you to know that my heart and mind are with you all the time. The images, what I learned of Ty, are with me, deeply with me. Sending you tons of Momma love. -- Audra

    ReplyDelete
  55. I would still sign his name. It's not like he's not party of your family anymore just bc he's not here.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Always remember that its OK for you to cry, i remember when I lost one of my best friends I would cry all the time and feel so stupid for crying but I realized that it helped me get my emotions out and i'd always calm down after crying. Taking long showers/baths helps too. Well it soothes the pain for awhile until it comes back with a vengeance. I know it sounds completely ridiculous right now but time does heal, no it doesn't heal the pain of loosing a child but time heals your emotions. Instead of being angry, revengeful (to the cancer) and just filled with all of this raw pain you'll start to get filled with love. You'll forget that 'he died' fuck cancer, you'll start to think in ways and you'll start to think 'what a beautiful life he lead' you'll start to see more love than pain. I know that sounds to ridiculous right now and it probably doesn't make any sense but thats how i see it. Stay strong :) I know ty is looking down upon you with big smiles because he was lucky enough to call you his mama. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very well said.. I lost a boyfriend (not nearly the same) but I remember everyone told me time would make it better.. the first year was hell on earth but eventually as time went on I never forgot him but it started to get easier.. I know it doesn't seem that way right now to Cindy but Ty is giving signs all around that he is still here.. Stay strong Cindy we are all pulling for you

      Delete
  57. Awesome post about neuroblastoma on Rockstar Ronan website today! www.rockstarronan.com

    ReplyDelete
  58. I read about the neuroblastoma "breakthrough" (hopefully!) on Ronan's page too. Very exciting, but painful at the same time, since it's not in time for Ty, or Ronan, or so many others. Hopefully it WILL be for all the other beautiful babies out there.
    So happy to hear about all the progress you're making with the foundation! Can't wait til you're finally up and running.

    I hope you find some smiles today.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Cindy,
    I read your posts regularly but I have never replied with a comment. Not because I haven't wanted to, but more because I don't even know what to say to you!! I cannot even fathom the pain that you, Lou, and Gavin are going through. Today's post was different though. When I read the part about finding your bracelet out of nowhere, I gasped! That WAS Ty!! Something similar has happened to me and I truly, whole heartedly, 100% believe that there is a communication there that wants to be recognized. I also believe that you will see this happen from time to time when Ty feels you need validation that he is with you. It is such a beautiful thing!! Embrace it and appreciate all the little things he does for you from Heaven!! Wishing you and your family peace and strength!

    Sincerely,
    Elisa Kolb

    ReplyDelete
  60. Cindy,

    1st you are amazing, 2nd keep signing Ty if its natural I am sure he is pleased to see that you are getting a lot of support and that he is loved across the world despite never having known us personally. You need not omit him in any way or fashion, you may not be able to touch him with your fingertips, but your heart wraps around him like a blanket he is in every bit of you andn your family. God bless and I too am ready to contribute where I can, to read of the breakthroughs you will make, and the mothers you will save from this pain through your foundation.

    ReplyDelete
  61. That picture of ty is so heartwarming and just beautifully perfect... hug that ty doll close and give him kisses
    *~meg~*

    ReplyDelete
  62. I've said this before, but I want to say it again over and over. YOU are my HERO. Your writing here has touched me deeply. My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm glad you shared about the Ty doll. I'm glad you and Lou have it. I still plan to send your foundation some money around Christmas. It won't be too much this time, but I promise I will send more later. I'm a (hopefully) up and coming author, and I plan to be wealthy one day, from my writing. When I am, I will be your Taylor Swift. ;) PROMISE. P.S. I'm writing a love story where the main female character is a mother who has just lost her four year old daughter to cancer. If I can do it, financially, I want to donate a portion of the proceeds to Ty's foundation. I also was wondering if you might read it before it's published, to be sure I didn't write the main female character terribly 'wrong'. If you were interested, I could maybe give a donation as payment for your time. If you didn't feel like doing that when the time came around, of course that would be okay, too. It probably won't be ready to be read until maybe March or April. Sorry to go on about something that pertains to me instead of you - I think I just really wanted you to know, this book will be for you and for Ty in a big way. -LE

    ReplyDelete
  63. Do you have a spam issue on this website; I also
    am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation;
    many of us have developed some nice methods and we are looking to trade strategies with others, please shoot me an email if
    interested.
    Also see my web site - my computer is slow

    ReplyDelete
  64. I remember when you posted that you lost that bracelet, my stomach dropped when I read that blog... Wow, now it has reappeared, special delivery from Ty.. SO many signs from him. And the story about the loud crash that ended up being his little bike was amazing. He is all around, he truly is. I know that doesn't make up for him not being physically here but these are things, I think, you should believe in and treasure. These are the ways he will communicate with you now... Always, always thinking of you guys. I miss Ty so much. God bless you Campbell's!

    ReplyDelete
  65. Hi Cindy, I would like to know if there's any way to contact you like email. I have so many things to share. :)
    xo
    Jenika

    ReplyDelete
  66. You don't sound silly, you sound like a mother, who lost her child, her heart, and is taking comfort in holding in to any part of him, why mother wouldn't understand that!!!! I have a two an a half year old son and he has been in my bed since birth, I have been talking about getting him out of our bed since I'm expecting in June and reading about Ty and Ronan makes me want both kids in my bed forever and I'm sure that sounds silly to some!

    ReplyDelete
  67. Hi Cindy.. my thoughts are always with you and your boys much lo've

    ReplyDelete