...it always has been. But I will continue to do everything as Ty's Mommy to take care of him as best I can. Sometimes I still feel so immature and clueless when it comes to being a mom. Like, I wonder why God felt I was even deserving of these two amazing gifts. What do I do with them? What if I mess up? Especially now, when I am in a panic over Ty's medicine or when I forget to bring a bucket to the supermarket with us and he gets sick in my hand. I swear, if it wasn't for the emotional outlet this blog provides me and the amazing reinforcement and encouragement I get from everyone I think my insecurities would get the best of me some days. Instead, you keep me so strong. And he keeps me strong.
We had a rough day today because Ty was very emotional and he just kept crying on and off all day. I asked him if I could just hold him for a while and see if that would help him to settle down. As I cradled him (with Dora the Explorer in the background), I let my mind free for a few minutes and I started thinking about a beautiful little boy, Tanner, who we shared a room with before Ty's very first surgery. He passed away early yesterday morning at home in bed with his Mom and Dad holding his hands. When I read the news last night, Lou and I cried ouloud in absolute hysterics. I hadn't otherwise allowed myself to think about it today.
Ty looked up at me when I was crying, he looked concerned for a second, and then he flashed me the biggest grin you've ever seen. I said "why are you smiling, are you trying to make me feel better?" He said, "yes, I'm being so cute." Oh, how he can melt my heart. And, to top it off, he waited a few minutes, then he raised his strong hand up to my face and he said "I wub you, Mommy. Why you cwying?"
I thought about it for a second and I answered, "I'm just crying because I really hate cancer."
"Oh. Me too," he said.
"So, what should we do?" I asked
"Beat that up!" he answered.
How perfect. That simple conversation with my three-year old was just what I needed to snap me out of it.
My heart will forever break for Tanner and his family, but his parents inspire me to keep my fighting passion and faith in God thriving. On top of Tanner earning his angel wings, I learned of another three-year old boy who we shared a room with who received terrible news on Friday after a scan. I also learned of a friend's sister, a beautiful young woman, being sent home to hospice. Please continue to help me in sharing Ty's story in an effort to spread pediatric cancer awareness.
Cancer... you disgust me. You are a vile, purely evil disease and you can't win. Even when you take the lives of pure beauty, you lose because you die too. How dare you even touch God's work!!