Tuesday, April 26, 2011

In God's Hands...

...it always has been.  But I will continue to do everything as Ty's Mommy to take care of him as best I can.  Sometimes I still feel so immature and clueless when it comes to being a mom.  Like, I wonder why God felt I was even deserving of these two amazing gifts.  What do I do with them?  What if I mess up?  Especially now, when I am in a panic over Ty's medicine or when I forget to bring a bucket to the supermarket with us and he gets sick in my hand.  I swear, if it wasn't for the emotional outlet this blog provides me and the amazing reinforcement and encouragement I get from everyone I think my insecurities would get the best of me some days.  Instead, you keep me so strong.  And he keeps me strong. 

We had a rough day today because Ty was very emotional and he just kept crying on and off all day.  I asked him if I could just hold him for a while and see if that would help him to settle down.  As I cradled him (with Dora the Explorer in the background), I let my mind free for a few minutes and I started thinking about a beautiful little boy, Tanner, who we shared a room with before Ty's very first surgery.  He passed away early yesterday morning at home in bed with his Mom and Dad holding his hands.  When I read the news last night, Lou and I cried ouloud in absolute hysterics. I hadn't otherwise allowed myself to think about it today. 

Ty looked up at me when I was crying, he looked concerned for a second, and then he flashed me the biggest grin you've ever seen.  I said "why are you smiling, are you trying to make me feel better?"  He said, "yes, I'm being so cute."  Oh, how he can melt my heart.  And, to top it off, he waited a few minutes, then he raised his strong hand up to my face and he said "I wub you, Mommy.  Why you cwying?" 

I thought about it for a second and I answered, "I'm just crying because I really hate cancer."  
"Oh.  Me too," he said.
"So, what should we do?" I asked
"Beat that up!" he answered.

How perfect.  That simple conversation with my three-year old was just what I needed to snap me out of it. 

My heart will forever break for Tanner and his family, but his parents inspire me to keep my fighting passion and faith in God thriving.  On top of Tanner earning his angel wings, I learned of another three-year old boy who we shared a room with who received terrible news on Friday after a scan.  I also learned of a friend's sister, a beautiful young woman, being sent home to hospice.  Please continue to help me in sharing Ty's story in an effort to spread pediatric cancer awareness. 

Cancer... you disgust me.  You are a vile, purely evil disease and you can't win.  Even when you take the lives of pure beauty, you lose because you die too.  How dare you even touch God's work!!


15 comments:

  1. Cindy, your posts get me every time. You say things so perfectly. From the heart you speak, to yourself, to Ty to us. You are an amazing mother and you could never do wrong for those two little beauties. They are so lucky to have picked you and Lou. Stay positive. Stay strong. Stay true to yourself which is a mother that will NEVER give up to cancer. It will NEVER win. EVER. Ty has touched too many hearts and too many people are praying for him. Hugs and kisses from the McCarthy5.

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  2. Cindy - Cancer did not win with Tanner. Yes, Tanner earned his wings and he is touching the face of God, but, cancer did not win, cancer did not go with him. Tanner got his invitation for some reason earlier than we would like. Yes, I know it is easy for me to say but as I hug my own 3 yr old I know that holding him I am lucky to have him and never for a second do I forget how incredible he is. As I write this, I cry for Tanner's family. But with all my being I know he is sitting on Jesus' lap and they are laughing and playing. At the same time I pray to God that Ty stays with us.

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  3. I look forward to your posts everyday but they always make me cry. Whether Ty is doing good or bad-I cry. I am pulling for him sooooo much.
    I am so sorry for Tanner and his family. I will pray for them too. It's not fair to see your child go. You have such a strong boy though--he WILL beat up this cancer-- thing in his body...if anyone can it's ty...

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  4. Cindy,

    That is such terrible news about Tanner, I do not know his story but it has brought me to tears. I only hope that there can be some peace in knowing that there will be no more suffering for Tanner. It still is not explainable, acceptable, or fair.

    Lying here running my fingers through my little green eyed blonde beautiful sons hair is so breathtaking, I look at him and think and then I stop, I can’t think of it. I can’t bear to imagine what you are faced with for even a second of your day. I love my son so much, he can be bad, annoying, whiney and at times spoiled but God am I lucky. I think many may not know how lucky we are to have what we overlook and that is our health. I pray for Ty to get there, God knows I do, I want more than anything for him to be better.

    You are truly a strong woman, I feel as if I cannot even keep my basic composure to write a response and you… you are the rock that is going to help that sweet baby boy heal.
    I love you all so much,

    Mary E. King and the rest of the King family
    GA

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  5. I really hate cancer too, and I really love your blog because it helps you and it is so well written and reminds me how amazing you are, and it is a source of strength and support for all of us. It brings us together. I could just write a run-on sentence about it.

    I'm so sorry for Tanner's family and I can't imagine what you and Lou went through after getting that news.

    I don't know what to do or say about cancer. It is some terrible part of life and reality of this cruel world. It gets you to wondering what the fuck this place is that we are living in and what is the point? It seems to me that part of living here means you fundamentally cannot experience or decipher one extreme without the other. So with the good comes the bad, with emptiness fulfillment, with ecstasy pain, etc. Maybe it really sucks but maybe if it didn't suck there would be no opposite-of-sucks.

    I won't give up focusing on the positive extremes for Ty. He is the bestest baby boy and he deserves the best. I hold him in picture-perfect health in my mind and I won't stop until he reaches the bridge his life is laying out for him and crosses it. Where it leads him...God please let it lead him back to us. God please heal Ty and let us celebrate his birthday this year in amusement of his perfect health, never to hear from cancer again.

    All my love and kisses and hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  6. You are a wonderful mother, words don't do you justice. Your boys are so lucky to have a mother like yourself. Those of us who are mothers are so lucky to learn from you and your outlook. Our children are lucky we have you and your family in our lives. It is because of you we relish the small things like baths.... you and Ty have taught us that.

    I pray for Ty, you and your family often throughout the day. I wish/pray with every fiber of my being that Ty will be outside enjoying the summer.

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  7. Cindy, you are the perfect Mom for your children. You give them all you can give and then give some more. You knew that peaceful holding would give your little guy what he needed to settle. That is a beautiful gift you gave to Ty and then shared with us. You can lean on us (your blog friends) and we will listen, accept and support you. I send to you and your entire family love, positive energy, and prayers. I wish i had more.
    Stephanie-from Buffalo, NY

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  8. Sending you lots of love and prayers! I don't know you but you and your family are truly an amazing inspiration. Ty is a treasure of a child and you and he are blessed to have each other!

    We'll keep fighing along with you and sending you all our support, prayers and virtual hugs!!

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  9. You got me again! I am sitting her at work crying at my desk!! I found I have to read your posts in segments...I read alittle, minimize the screen and think of something else and then read again and so on. As emotional as I get just reading your posts, I am not living what you are posting and I just can't wrap my brain around how y'all do it. I know if I had to deal w/ it I would, but I just hope I could be as strong as you seem to be.

    What Ty said to you is just so sweet and him trying to comfort you is just beyond words. I really wish I could squeeze both of you! :)

    Hoping for a good day for all of y'all,
    Jan
    Georgia

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  10. Ahhhhh… Cindy, your words and faith are very powerful. You are right Ty is, always has been, and always will be in God’s hands. Cancer will lose! It can’t survive death. We on the other hand have been granted eternal life with God through the savior Jesus Christ. I find great peace in knowing that. It is my hope that families such as Tanner’s know and feel that same peace.

    -There was a family whose young wife and mother battled cancer for some time. The time came when medicine could no longer prolong or impact the quality of life. As the family gathered and she slipped away a voice in the room said “she is so peaceful” and her husband said “ME TOO”, “ME TOO”. He stood firmly on his faith and knew that she was going to her proper home. Although he felt sorrow and was lonely he was at peace and found great strength in his faith.

    God loves your son just as much as he loves mine. He will pull Ty through this no matter what. Although it may not play out like WE all want…the end result is TY WILL WIN!!! Bless you Campbell family! Bless you!

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  11. You are one of the best moms in the world - your strength is so admirable! I too am a young mom of 2 and you story and words are with me always - you have really taught me to slow down and not sweat the small stuff - just enjoy my family each and every day, one day at a time! You have the sweetest little boy and I pray each and every day that Ty beats his cancer up! Stay strong! I am praying for Tanner and his family too!

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  12. Cindy,

    I just attempted to post a book, and when I attempted to post it, something happened and it is all gone! Omg I will now make sure I copy and paste!

    Well, I will post more later, but I just wanted to say that you are an incredible mother and Ty is an amazing little boy! I was devastated when I read your post of the scan, but I truly believe that if anyone can get through this it is Ty!

    You have made me a better person, and Ty has made me a better mother. I cherish the little moments now, and try to deep breathe through the temper tantrums! :)

    My heart goes out to Tanner's family. How difficult news that must have been for you and Lou. Scary, I cant even begin to imagine.

    You and your family are always in my thought. I truly care about you all so much! I am so happy that this blog is an outlet for you. I cannot get through one of my days, without checking on Ty.

    Stay strong, you have so many people pulling for Super Ty! :)

    Joy Marielle
    Baltimore, MD

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  13. You are an amazing woman and mother. I know in my heart that God gave you those two incredible boys for a reason. I pray for your family every day and I cry/smile/laugh with you when I read your posts. Ty has touched so many people with his strength and optomism, that is a gift to all of us and I want to thank you. Keep the faith, never give up. All my love....

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  14. Cindy: If possible, please pass along to Tanner's family from Ty's Supporters our deepest sympathies. Tanner has not left my mind or heart since reading your post. I can't begin to even fathom the pain his family is facing. I just want them to know that even though I never knew their son, my heart goes out to them. I know Tanner is playing with Jesus.

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  15. I am praying for you and super Ty... I check this several times a day and I am so proud of you and your example to everyone! Please realize that people everywhere are so proud of you and praying for your whole family! I hope you feel our cheers from Dublin Ohio... love and hugs!
    Lynn

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